It is well know that eating healthily and doing some sort of exercise is good for your mind, unfortunately when you are in the deep depths of depression eating healthily and having the motivation to exercise are sometimes just too hard.
Over the last 9 months I have found life incredibly hard, I’ve changed meds, I’ve had a stay on a psychiatric ward, I’ve had the Crisis team involved, and my weight and any enthusiasm for life has gone to pot.
I have been signed up to PALS (Practice Activity and Leisure Scheme), which gives me some support to get fitter, but also gives me access to cheaper gym and swimming sessions. I have just done week 5, and whilst I am not overly enthusiastic about going, I am continuing to swim mostly twice a week. There is a basic circuit session that I could go to, but I haven’t built up the confidence yet to go to something like that.
My eating has been awful, eating biscuit bar after biscuit bar, then eating chocolate spread on bread (many times), then sweets and chocolate. It is no wonder that my weight is going up and not down. I’ve tried to do the 5:2 way of eating, but when I keep binge eating on the normal days it’s really not been healthy. However yesterday I decided I was going to record what I ate, and so I ate sensibly and today (so far) I am doing the same. I’m hoping that my mind may be starting to realise I have to take control of what I eat.
I’m not saying I have turned any corner, or that I am getting better, but I do think there may be a slight tiny little flickering light in my brain that is starting to see some positives.
I am hoping by writing about my healthy eating and exercising I may stick to it better.
I have always had an issue with my body and weight, which, considering my mum was always on a diet is not surprising. I’ve always managed to keep my weight within a few pounds of where I would like to be, I’ve never managed to keep toned, but my clothes fitted and I was kind of ok with my body.
However over the last few months I have put on a stone and I am now a weight which I have never been apart from after pregnancy. To look at me no one would say I was overweight as I tend to dress to cover it up, but I know that I am at the top end of where I should be for my height and most of my clothes no longer fit me.
I find myself in unknown territory, I usually manage to loose weight fairly easily, I stop eating the rubbish (biscuits, cakes, chocolate etc) and reduce my portions. This time it does not appear to be working, I try really hard to not eat anything snacky, but I can only manage 1 or 2 days and then I am back to eating unhealthy foods and think it doesn’t matter that is until I look in the mirror! I know mentally I need to eat better, I need to stop eating so much sugary food and up the amount of fruit and veg I am eating, I know that I will feel better physically and mentally when I do. Unfortunately I seem to have lost all will power and motivation to keep going, I can’t decide if it is the medication that has shrunk my will power or the depression that is making me eat (quite possibly both I guess?).
My mental health is still not good at the moment and some would say don’t worry about your weight at the moment, you need to have a clear head to manage to loose weight, but my increased weight is making me feel down as well. I need some ideas as to what works and what doesn’t, NJ and I are both trying to loose weight and are trying to calorie count, and in a change from the norm NJ is doing better than I am and is being a lot stricter with himself.
So anyone out there that has found a good way of changing your eating habits please let me know how you did it.
I have, on several occasions in my life, had very good will power, enabling me to give ‘things’ up. When I was 11(ish) I stopped sucking my thumb (I know, quite late in life!), at 16/17 I stopped biting my nails, at 23 I stopped eating rubbish and lost weight for my wedding and at 26/27 I stopped smoking. When I was expecting all 3 children I stopped drinking, stopped eating runny eggs and the cheeses as I was told and cut out peanuts. With my last pregnancy I even managed to cut out chocolate and all sweet things as I had gestational diabetes! I have also managed several times to be careful what I eat and do some exercises.
Now however, I find myself in a strange place I seem to have no will power, I spend my days eating food that is high in sugar and low in healthiness! I want to lose a few pounds and tone up a bit as my clothes are starting to get a little tight, and I refuse to buy bigger clothes! I have also been drinking wine, which at the moment I really shouldn’t as my mental health is not great and alcohol is a depressant, but I just can’t stop myself. I know the things I SHOULD be doing but my will power seems to have taken off somewhere and I am unable to find it, but then I wonder if it’s all down to motivation and if I found motivation I would find will power hiding there too?
Where my will power has totally let me down is with self-harm, I cut myself for the first time in September 2011, I managed to stop at the end of October 2011 but 15 months later at the end of January (i think) this year I cut myself again, and have done a few times since. It’s not something that is easy to explain with the why I do such a silly thing, and this post isn’t about that, but it’s almost like an addiction.
I am now at a point where I seem to have no will power to be healthy no will power to not self-harm (although have managed a week without) and no motivation to be healthy or stop being daft! But, are will power and motivation the same thing?
Whether they are the same or not, I have definitely mislaid them both, if anyone has any good suggestions on how to entice them back I am all ears!