There Again!

There Again!

So it appears that I find myself it there far to familiar place of not wanting to be living, of finding my life crap. I have nothing going for me, I don’t want to do anything and I’ve spent the last 2 weeks doing nothing, saying I will do something tomorrow, but tomorrow never seems to come.

I’m making life miserable for everyone, they would be much happier if I wasn’t here. I wish I could stop feeling like this, but I’ve noticed that I have isolated myself from almost everyone. I want to have people to talk to, to turn to, but I just hide away, not joining in things and not chatting to people.

I am my own worse enemy, I don’t want to carry on like this, I don’t know how to change the person I am to one that I may like, and therefore feel like I am worthy of friendships.

What is the point? I just wish I had the courage to change things, end things, I want life to stop because it feels like such hard work.

But I have the kids and my husband, and I’m not sure I want to do something so big that would impact on them. I want to see my kids grow up, I want to return the love my husband gives me, but I just don’t know if I have the strength anymore.

I want to lose weight, but sabotage that everyday by eating high calorie rubbish! I have no self control, I am useless and really don’t deserve to be here anymore.

I just want it to end.

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Living in a Void

Living in a Void

What should you do when you feel like you have nowhere to turn? And the reason you have nowhere to turn is that you have pushed everyone away, or shut out anyone that has tried to care.

I don’t even know what is wrong or why I feel down, just something doesn’t feel right, so if I could talk to someone, I have nothing to say because I can put into words how I am feeling.

I feel empty, I feel void of emotions, I feel my head won’t stop chattering to itself, I feel like my stomach is in knots, and all of this seems so trivial when others are dealing with so much more. Others have real problems, real illnesses to deal with, I have nothing except my own self pity.

Which in turn makes me think what’s the point? Why be here, alive, what is the point in life? Yes I have children, a husband, a nice house, a car, a garden, so I have much of what others want, and think would make their lives happy, but it doesn’t. I won’t do anything drastic, I could only do that if someone had a magic wand and could make everyone forget about me. But, at the same time that makes me feel trapped.

I’m not happy, but I don’t know what would make me happy. I’m a coward as I won’t do anything to get away, I’ll plod along with my uneventful life, and I will put on my mask to say ‘I’m fine!’.

Schools Out for Summer

Schools Out for Summer

So school is out for summer, something that I think most kids will be very happy about. 6 weeks of playing, holidays, ice-creams and no routine. I on the other hand, whilst I am kind of happy, (no strict get ups, not rushing out of the house everyday), I also feel a sense of dread, I have 3 children to keep amused and occupied and try and not let ww3 break out in the house.

I’ve been doing okay over the last couple of months, I’ve been busy with birthdays and parties, and also working. However it’s all caught up on me and now I feel exhausted, I just want to sleep, which isn’t going to be helpful whilst looking after 3 children. I can see that the house is a mess and I need to get sorted and tidy up, but I am lacking in motivation to get it done.

This is the problem with my depression, it gnaws away at me, it brings me down, it stops me getting organised, it makes me want to just hide away and hope that everything will sort itself out for when I come back. Once it has done that, it then starts to tell me how useless I am, how pathetic I am that I can’t even keep the house tidy.

I’ve sat at the computer for the last 1.5 hours mostly playing cards, it is such a waste of time, while all around me is a mess. I know I need to fight back, stop it taking over again, I need to get motivated anyway I can and give myself the chance to enjoy being with the kids for a while.

So this is it, a promise to myself that I am going to fight this stupid illness and battle through the summer, and hope that my kids have a great time away from school.

 

Who’s ‘Me’?

Who’s ‘Me’?

It’s been 4 very long and very hard years since I was first diagnosed with depression and anxiety, at the time I thought if I took the pills they offered within a couple of months I would be back to ‘normal’, how wrong I was!

I have had some good times, with my mood appearing to improve for short spaces of time, but it never seemed to last. It has possibly not been helped by my very strong desire to come off medication, convinced that it was making me worse. Unfortunately instead of things improving this year that have just gone from bad to worse, and after a stay in hospital, (in March this year) I just haven’t been able to secure my footing on life.

I’ve got lots of input from services, CPN, Psychiatrist, PALS (Fitness), Pathways (Group Sessions) and also the help of family and friends. But unfortunately nothing seems to be working, I can’t seem to motivate myself, I can’t seem to see anything positive in life, and even though I am doing things, I am just going through the motions.

Because of all this I have forgotten who I am, I’ve forgotten what I used to be like, I don’t know what has always been me and what is me from the illness. I know I will never be ‘the me’ I once was, but I don’t even recognise myself these days. I struggle to remember what is happening in friends and family’s life, and therefore I am not usually there for them when they need support. I struggle to plan anything, and lists just make me anxious. I used to like lists and being organised, but it just isn’t happening at the moment.

How can anyone actually like me, when I don’t like myself, when I don’t even know who I am. I know I used to be fairly confident, and had some self belief, but now all that has gone. I find it very hard to believe that anyone really needs me as a friend, but I think I have always thought that. I guess I have never felt good enough for anyone to want to be friends with me.

My life has become a very small place, with me doing very little, and I know that the more I do the better I should feel, and I am trying, but actually it is not always that easy, and even though I have been doing things in recent weeks, apart from a very small flicker of light, I haven’t seen any improvement.

How do I get ‘me’ back? How do I find things to enjoy, how do I wean myself off playing on the iPad & iPhone and stop watching films throughout the day? A lot of people say be kind to yourself, take time to get better, do things that make you happy, but I don’t do anything all day for anyone but me. And it’s getting easier and easier to do nothing, and the feelings of guilt are just floating away. I’m not sure if that’s good or not, personally I think it’s not a good thing.

Then everything comes back to the same place, the same thoughts, the same gremlins, eating away at my mind. The gremlins that set my mind on the negative path of self destruction, the thoughts of not wanting to be here start getting stronger. I know I won’t give into the gremlins, but it’s tiring having a constant fight in your own mind.

I am hoping that one day I will get better, I will be able to function better, and I will start to find ‘me’ again.

Dark, Dark, Pit

Dark, Dark, Pit

Today I feel like I’m in a very dark, dark, pit. Last week I was feeling just a bit more positive, I thought I could maybe see a light, only very faintly, but there definitely seemed to be something. Today though all that seems to have gone, actually it started on Friday, but today it seems worse.

I want to be able to just give up, I want to just wave the white flag and say I surrender, I can’t take anymore. But I can’t, I have to keep going, for the sake of the kids and nj. My gremlins say they would be better off without me, but my sensible brain tells me that’s not true.

Being back on quietapine is some of the issue I think. I am just so so tired, all the time. Then I can’t sleep at night, which then adds to my tiredness and I end up sleeping during the day. So take today for example, I took the kids to school, and when I got back I tried to watch a bit of TV, but I was dropping off, so I went to bed and didn’t get up until after 1. Then I had no desire to do any housework. Which then makes me feel crap!!

My psychiatrist has suggested ect therapy, or lithium, as we need to try something more aggressive. Neither of them seem particularly great options, but I may be running out of choices.

It is so hard when you want to run away from everything, but the main thing I want to run away from is my brain, and I don’t think that is physically possible!!

Healthy Living

Healthy Living

It is well know that eating healthily and doing some sort of exercise is good for your mind, unfortunately when you are in the deep depths of depression eating healthily and having the motivation to exercise are sometimes just too hard.

Over the last 9 months I have found life incredibly hard, I’ve changed meds, I’ve had a stay on a psychiatric ward, I’ve had the Crisis team involved, and my weight and any enthusiasm for life has gone to pot.

I have been signed up to PALS (Practice Activity and Leisure Scheme), which gives me some support to get fitter, but also gives me access to cheaper gym and swimming sessions. I have just done week 5, and whilst I am not overly enthusiastic about going, I am continuing to swim mostly twice a week. There is a basic circuit session that I could go to, but I haven’t built up the confidence yet to go to something like that.

My eating has been awful, eating biscuit bar after biscuit bar, then eating chocolate spread on bread (many times), then sweets and chocolate. It is no wonder that my weight is going up and not down. I’ve tried to do the 5:2 way of eating, but when I keep binge eating on the normal days it’s really not been healthy. However yesterday I decided I was going to record what I ate, and so I ate sensibly and today (so far) I am doing the same. I’m hoping that my mind may be starting to realise I have to take control of what I eat.

I’m not saying I have turned any corner, or that I am getting better, but I do think there may be a slight tiny little flickering light in my brain that is starting to see some positives.

I am hoping by writing about my healthy eating and exercising I may stick to it better.

9th July 2014

9th July 2014

It’s been a while since my last post and I have tried several times to post, but the words haven’t flown and my mind has just not been cooperative! It will be interesting to see if this post gets published!

So it’s been over 3 months since I last posted, and I wish I could say life has been so busy that I just haven’t had the time, but unfortunately I can’t, my life has just been consumed by depression. Since leaving hospital I have tried to move forward, but it just hasn’t happened, I’ve been given new antidepressants, and had the dose increase several times up to the maximum, but as yet I haven’t seen or felt any big improvement.

My motivation is at an all time low, and how I feel about myself is not far behind. I look around my house and see so many jobs that need doing, but I just don’t have the energy to do any of them. I know I need to start doing things, but I just don’t know where to start, when nothing gives you pleasure or a sense of a achievement then it is hard to be motivated.

I have tried to cut down on how much I play on my phone by deleting some of the games I’ve been playing, unfortunately a couple are still on the iPad so I’ve still been playing them today! I got books from the library, but I’ve not managed to start reading any of them yet. I have put an order through for Phoenix Cards, but even that hasn’t perked me up.

It is possible that I am (subconsciously) waiting for something big to happen, something that makes me go YES I have enjoyed that, but I think it is more likely to be a slow drip of things getting better. My CPN has referred me to something called Pathways, which is somewhere that does lots of different activities and is for those people who have struggled with depression and other mental illness to help them get back out and doing. I’ve no idea what it will be like, but I know I need to do something. I’ve also been referred to the local health and fitness support, which I start in September, so will see if some exercise might help me?

As well as the above 2 things to help get me out and doing I’ve also got a Family Support Worker who I met for the first time today, he is going to work with me and the kids to help me get back some control and hopefully make the house happier again. I think this is probably the major area that will help me in the long run. I struggle so much with how I am with the kids and how they are with me, that the more i struggle the worse it gets, they know how to get their own way and because of how I’ve been feeling it’s been easier to just give in and let them get on with whatever they want to do. So it will be interesting to see what is going to happen, and what I’m going to have to do.

I guess I should be pleased that I have managed to lose a bit of weight, I started doing the 5:2 diet again, and I think I have done about 3 weeks now. I’m hoping that I don’t ruin it all with the school holidays coming up. Unfortunately for me though I wanted everything to be instant, I want to fit back into my old clothes and I want to be able to eat what I want when I want.

So that is me at the moment, I have managed to write a post (finally!!), I know there is not much substance to it, but hopefully it will be easier.