Schools Out for Summer

Schools Out for Summer

So school is out for summer, something that I think most kids will be very happy about. 6 weeks of playing, holidays, ice-creams and no routine. I on the other hand, whilst I am kind of happy, (no strict get ups, not rushing out of the house everyday), I also feel a sense of dread, I have 3 children to keep amused and occupied and try and not let ww3 break out in the house.

I’ve been doing okay over the last couple of months, I’ve been busy with birthdays and parties, and also working. However it’s all caught up on me and now I feel exhausted, I just want to sleep, which isn’t going to be helpful whilst looking after 3 children. I can see that the house is a mess and I need to get sorted and tidy up, but I am lacking in motivation to get it done.

This is the problem with my depression, it gnaws away at me, it brings me down, it stops me getting organised, it makes me want to just hide away and hope that everything will sort itself out for when I come back. Once it has done that, it then starts to tell me how useless I am, how pathetic I am that I can’t even keep the house tidy.

I’ve sat at the computer for the last 1.5 hours mostly playing cards, it is such a waste of time, while all around me is a mess. I know I need to fight back, stop it taking over again, I need to get motivated anyway I can and give myself the chance to enjoy being with the kids for a while.

So this is it, a promise to myself that I am going to fight this stupid illness and battle through the summer, and hope that my kids have a great time away from school.

 

9th July 2014

9th July 2014

It’s been a while since my last post and I have tried several times to post, but the words haven’t flown and my mind has just not been cooperative! It will be interesting to see if this post gets published!

So it’s been over 3 months since I last posted, and I wish I could say life has been so busy that I just haven’t had the time, but unfortunately I can’t, my life has just been consumed by depression. Since leaving hospital I have tried to move forward, but it just hasn’t happened, I’ve been given new antidepressants, and had the dose increase several times up to the maximum, but as yet I haven’t seen or felt any big improvement.

My motivation is at an all time low, and how I feel about myself is not far behind. I look around my house and see so many jobs that need doing, but I just don’t have the energy to do any of them. I know I need to start doing things, but I just don’t know where to start, when nothing gives you pleasure or a sense of a achievement then it is hard to be motivated.

I have tried to cut down on how much I play on my phone by deleting some of the games I’ve been playing, unfortunately a couple are still on the iPad so I’ve still been playing them today! I got books from the library, but I’ve not managed to start reading any of them yet. I have put an order through for Phoenix Cards, but even that hasn’t perked me up.

It is possible that I am (subconsciously) waiting for something big to happen, something that makes me go YES I have enjoyed that, but I think it is more likely to be a slow drip of things getting better. My CPN has referred me to something called Pathways, which is somewhere that does lots of different activities and is for those people who have struggled with depression and other mental illness to help them get back out and doing. I’ve no idea what it will be like, but I know I need to do something. I’ve also been referred to the local health and fitness support, which I start in September, so will see if some exercise might help me?

As well as the above 2 things to help get me out and doing I’ve also got a Family Support Worker who I met for the first time today, he is going to work with me and the kids to help me get back some control and hopefully make the house happier again. I think this is probably the major area that will help me in the long run. I struggle so much with how I am with the kids and how they are with me, that the more i struggle the worse it gets, they know how to get their own way and because of how I’ve been feeling it’s been easier to just give in and let them get on with whatever they want to do. So it will be interesting to see what is going to happen, and what I’m going to have to do.

I guess I should be pleased that I have managed to lose a bit of weight, I started doing the 5:2 diet again, and I think I have done about 3 weeks now. I’m hoping that I don’t ruin it all with the school holidays coming up. Unfortunately for me though I wanted everything to be instant, I want to fit back into my old clothes and I want to be able to eat what I want when I want.

So that is me at the moment, I have managed to write a post (finally!!), I know there is not much substance to it, but hopefully it will be easier.

Simple Pleasures

Simple Pleasures

I was very pleased to see the Listography back again, run by Kate Takes 5. This weeks topic is your top 5 simple Pleasures. With my state of mind as it is, I don’t get much pleasure from anything at the moment, so it took a bit of time to think about it, but I did come up with some things that actually do give me a small sense of pleasure for that short time.

1. Breakfast in Peace.

There used to be a time when I could get up, shower, and come downstairs and eat breakfast alone, checking my emails, Facebook and the news on my iPhone. It was lovely, even though it only lasted maybe 10 mins, that peaceful time set me up well for the morning and helped me deal with the family squabbles. Unfortunately of late my youngest has learnt to come out of her room once I open my door, she is full of beans and ready for the day ahead. I struggled along, eating breakfast with her interspersed with the other 2 joining us and also wanting breakfast, until I realised that if I sorted her and her siblings out whilst making lunch for them and once all that was sorted then ate my breakfast I would get some peace. So I do get a little peace, but I do long for that 10 mins that I used to get, maybe one day the youngest and the other 2 will stay in bed long enough for me to get that again?

2. A Long Shower

During the school / working week I get up before NJ and get showered, sometimes I am still trying to wake myself up, but mostly I am thinking of the day ahead and knowing that I need to get a move on as no one else will move until I do! And then often on a weekend we are also rushing to get out for something or other (these days it’s football on a Sunday morning), so I don’t get the nice relaxing shower that I long for. What I really like is when we are having a lazy day, or we are going out (and plans are going well), and I can spend time just relaxing in the shower just enjoying the hot water!

3. A Peaceful Family Meal

We don’t get to sit and eat as a family very often as NJ works late, so it tends to be weekends and holidays, however most of those meals end up with bickering from the kids, or me and NJ nagging one of the kids to eat properly (or just eat in TJ’s case!), it’s just so nice when we do manage a meal that is peaceful and relaxing. This actually happened yesterday (Thursday), as NJ was off work for 2 days for half-term holidays we decided to treat the kids to a McDonalds (ok it was really for me!), for the first time in ages TJ actually sat and ate, and the other 2 ate nicely and we came out of the restaurant (never feels right calling it a restaurant!) feeling full, relaxed and happy.

4. A Glass of Red Wine

I’m sure I am not the only one who gets a little pleasure from a nice glass of red wine? I have spent much of the last 3.5 years not being able to drink alcohol due to my medication and those times when I did drink I found myself so tired tired that I didn’t enjoy it. However over the last few months I have been able to indulge and there was nothing nicer on a Friday or Saturday evening once the kids were all in bed to sit down, turn the lights down and then relax with a nice glass of red wine. Unfortunately a change of meds this past week means that I will once again have to be teetotal!

5. A Tidy House

If you have read any of my blog you will know that I am not good at housework, but I do long to have a tidy house. Some days it does happen, and today was one of them. I managed to give the kitchen a good clean, the living room is tidy and so is the dining area. It always makes me feel more relaxed but it is so hard to achieve.

So what are your top 5 simple pleasures?

It’s Been Awhile!!

It’s Been Awhile!!

Ok, its been 2 months since I last blogged and since then my emotions, depression and anxiety have been all over the place!

After trying to come off Venlavaxine I only last a couple of days before I gave up, the withdrawal symptoms were horrendous – and no one had any wise ideas of how to improve it, or make it easier. So I went back to 150mg. I see my psychiatrist at the end of Feb, so I will ask him then what he suggests.

Leading up to Christmas I started to get into a really positive mood, everything felt great and I was feeling good about the future and me, I felt strong enough to battle the gremlins in my mind, they were still there but I could push them away. I wasn’t feeling as negative, I wasn’t feeling so down on myself. During this time I saw the 3 health professionals who have seen me the most; CPN, GP and Psychologist and all 3 said I was looking and sounding really good. My CPN said it was the best she had ever seen me. All of this made me feel even better, I felt I had finally started to turn a corner, I knew there would still be a way to go, but I also knew that I was finally getting stronger and coming out of the darkness.

Unfortunately that didn’t last, I’m not sure if it was just before or just after Christmas, but I felt my mood drop. There is nothing specific that I can pin point to say there was a trigger, my mood just seemed to slightly drop. From then on my mood was low, grouchy with the kids and fairly useless around the house.

I saw my CPN last week and  it transpired that I was missing my closest friend and also jealous as she had got a part time job from the New Year and she had also got a puppy after the summer holidays. I ended up in tears, but it did make me feel slightly better to have off loaded some feelings, even though I hadn’t realised they were effecting me so much.

Then last Friday I had a day out at a conference (of sorts) for my business, it was a really good inspiring day and I came away with lots of positive ideas and thoughts. Monday saw me planning what I would get done during the day, having coffee with friends (whilst the kids played) and then a productive afternoon. Tuesday was a very productive day, I had a meeting with my mentor and then I spent the afternoon on my business and also got the news that I might have someone who wants sponsoring. I felt great, I was really inspired, I was motivated and felt really good.

As always it didn’t last, Wednesday saw my mood drop – just because a friend wasn’t able to meet for coffee and another was already busy. I felt unwanted, un-friended (not sure that is a word??), and generally down on myself. The urges to self harm were strong – but I didn’t act on anything. Then again today my mood feels flat and down, I feel empty.

I have so much to live for; I have 3 great kids, I know they can be pains and I want to shake the eldest to get her stirred up about something, but she can still be very kind and loving and I know she is great when she is with her friends and at school. I have a good business, that I believe could be great and give us the income we would like – I just need to work harder at it! I have a husband who really loves me – something that I don’t deserve, but he’s stuck by me over the last few years and I should really be more grateful and realise that he does actually like me!

So why, if I know these things, do I feel so down? Why do I sometimes feel I just don’t want to be here? Why do I want to constantly harm myself with something sharp? I know no one can really answer this questions, but for me it is mind blowing. I can go from being so high, to so low in a matter of hours and even though the rational side of me knows that things are good, the other side of me just says how rubbish everything and everything about me is.

So yes, its been awhile since I last blogged, but my mind has been all over the place and so many times I sat to blog and the words just didn’t flow. Hopefully I have broken that barrier for now and I will try and blog more frequently.

Triggers and Questions

Triggers and Questions

I have stupidly watched the 3 Bedlam episodes and an episode of 999 What’s your Emergency, which was about MH, yesterday and today. It really wasn’t a good idea as it seems to have triggered some anxiety and mild thoughts of sh. Its the first time that I’ve really noticed something making me feel bad, but what is worse is I realised this morning what it was doing, yet I felt compelled to carry on watching it!

I am also triggered by any stressful situations, my kids shouting and not listening to me, my husband getting cross with the kids, my husband being disappointed with me, there are probably more, but mostly it’s triggered by my inability to parent the children and it makes me feel so useless.

After watching the programmes I found myself needing to talk, but who to and what I about I had / have no idea. So I’m hoping that blogging my bring some comfort to my brain!

I seem to have so many questions and thoughts running through my head, that I don’t know what is relevant, what does anyone want to read, why would anyone be interested in me, what will help me, why doing I keep thinking about me all the time?

The last time I saw my psychologist and we came to the conclusion that maybe even after 3 years I have still not totally accepted that I am ill. I am happy to accept that depression happens and other  mh illnesses, and it is no ones fault, no one brought it on themselves, but I can’t accept that for me. I feel that I am to blame, that I just need to pull myself together, get over myself and then everything will be ok. He said that in order to get better I need to be able to accept that I am ill, through no fault of my own, but that is where I struggle, I feel it is my fault I am where I am.

The trigger for my mh demise was having a 3rd child, I struggled through the pregnancy, and then had a traumatic birth – this triggered the depression and over 3 years later I am still struggling. I didn’t have to have a 3rd child, we had 2 healthy children, but it was my desire and NJ was happy to go along with it. I wouldn’t be without TJ now, but what would life have been like if I hadn’t got pregnant? Would I still have sometime through my life ended up in a crisis situation?

I don’t believe that my anti depressants are really helping me anymore and I want to come off them, I need to see what I am like without them – will life go back to ‘normal’ then? My GP, CPN and NJ all know that I want to stop, I’ve just got to convinced the psychiatrist tomorrow that it is a good idea. I know that the antidepressant I’m on (Venlavaxine) is terrible to come off, but that shouldn’t be a reason to stay on it. I know that I may struggle, but hopefully I will have the support network to help should that happen. I also know that I could be fine, and life will start to seem better again. I need to know what is me and what is the medication.

I also need to know why I think like I do, I get paranoid if a friend doesn’t want to meet up, I get paranoid if NJ seems cross, it must be my fault, I’m not a nice person, they are fed up with me etc etc.

I’ve had a bit of an emotional run in with my family over Christmas, it is kind of sorted, but no one has actually acknowledged that I have been upset over it all – no one has said sorry that I was upset. Which makes me think that I’ve always had my emotions and feelings pushed aside by my mum and sisters. When I think about it, I still get upset by the whole thing.

I am trying really hard with the kids to make sure they never feel like they are not listened to when they are upset, that they know their feelings are justified, and to talk to us so we can help. I am also always telling them that I love them. I don’t think my mum or dad has ever said they love me.

So now I have thoughts of not being good enough, I’ve always been the average kid, nothing interesting or spectacular, I’m never missed if I’m not around and contact from people is few and far between. I know there is nothing wrong with being average, but I guess I have always wanted to be outstanding in something, which means I have generally failed at everything I’ve done. I am not got the right personality or mentality to be outstanding at anything. Maybe this is why I always feel I am failing at being a parent and a wife? I will probably never be as good as I want to be, but I don’t know what that person is either.

Anyway, I’ve still got questions and thoughts floating round my head, but maybe they can wait for another day to be outed?

What am I?

What am I?

Earlier in the week I blogged about not knowing who I was, I still don’t know who I am, but I do know what I am.

I have realised that I am selfish, all I think about is how I feel, how what the kids do or say makes me feel,  how what my husband might say or do might make me feel. I have forgotten to listen to everyone else and see how they feel, how what I am saying or doing is effecting my family and friends.

When I see my CPN and Psychologist I seem to say the same things over and over again, I can’t cope with the way my children are behaving, I don’t know how to control them, I have nothing to aim for, I have no goals in life, I don’t know what makes me happy. It’s all about ‘me. me, me’!! I need to change, and I need to do that now.

Maybe if I stopped thinking about me, then I would get better, or at least spend less time thinking about my thoughts and feelings and therefore I wouldn’t have the time to dip into a big hole! I would get more done around the house, I would get more done with the business and I would have more time to spend with the kids and my husband.

I need to start now, but not sure how I will achieve it, I’m not sure if I’m able to do it anymore. Before I was ill I always thought about others, how my actions affected others, but I also got on with life, the housework and spending time with the kids.

Was I happy? I don’t know, my husband might have an answer to that, I can’t remember. I do know that I wasn’t happy in my job at work, and I struggled with not having friends, but was I happy at home, and with the kids, I’ve no idea. It’s hard to remember a time before I was ill, and maybe that’s the problem, I can’t remember what it’s like to not be ill and what it’s like to not know about depression and anxiety, I also can’t remember what it’s like to not have health professionals just at the end of the phone or only a week away from an appointment.

I read and talk to others who have got mental health problems, and I wonder why I have been supported so well over the last 3 years, when there are so many others that are not getting the same support but seem to be in a much worse place than me. Why is it seemed that I need this support – do they see something that I don’t? Or is it  just that the selfish person I am is clinging to something that I no longer need?

I don’t have any answers, except I know that I have become selfish and self absorbed and I need to change. If anyone has any good suggestions on how not to be self absorbed please let me know!

My Brain

My Brain

My brain seems to be all mixed up!

I am struggling at the moment, and I feel like I am on a downward spiral, and my gremlins are getting louder. Some of the problem is that I need to speak to people about how I am really feeling, but that is difficult for me. I want people to talk to me and ask how I am, but then when they do I just say either okay, or so so. I don’t want them to know how I am feeling, I’m not sure if it’s because I am embarrassed, or if I think if I don’t speak then it’s not real?

I really do not understand myself, so anyone else is going to have a real job on their hands! I wish all this up and down stuff would just stop, I wish I could get on an even standing, and just live life like any other normal person. (Although I am not sure what a normal person is!).

I’ve got lots of jobs to do, but no motivation to do them, house work and business work, I also need to make a phone call for work , but my brain feels too mashed to talk about anything sensibly. I also don’t feel like talking.

I’d like to go to bed and wake up when my mood has improved, no chance of that with 3 children and a husband to look after. I can feel my anxiety starting to emerge again too, another aspect of my mind that is not good.

This post is all over the place today, but it’s how my brain is working and it feels and seems all disjointed, I am still looking for the magic wand that will make everything all right! It’s been 3 years, but still no sign of it.