There Again!

There Again!

So it appears that I find myself it there far to familiar place of not wanting to be living, of finding my life crap. I have nothing going for me, I don’t want to do anything and I’ve spent the last 2 weeks doing nothing, saying I will do something tomorrow, but tomorrow never seems to come.

I’m making life miserable for everyone, they would be much happier if I wasn’t here. I wish I could stop feeling like this, but I’ve noticed that I have isolated myself from almost everyone. I want to have people to talk to, to turn to, but I just hide away, not joining in things and not chatting to people.

I am my own worse enemy, I don’t want to carry on like this, I don’t know how to change the person I am to one that I may like, and therefore feel like I am worthy of friendships.

What is the point? I just wish I had the courage to change things, end things, I want life to stop because it feels like such hard work.

But I have the kids and my husband, and I’m not sure I want to do something so big that would impact on them. I want to see my kids grow up, I want to return the love my husband gives me, but I just don’t know if I have the strength anymore.

I want to lose weight, but sabotage that everyday by eating high calorie rubbish! I have no self control, I am useless and really don’t deserve to be here anymore.

I just want it to end.

Living in a Void

Living in a Void

What should you do when you feel like you have nowhere to turn? And the reason you have nowhere to turn is that you have pushed everyone away, or shut out anyone that has tried to care.

I don’t even know what is wrong or why I feel down, just something doesn’t feel right, so if I could talk to someone, I have nothing to say because I can put into words how I am feeling.

I feel empty, I feel void of emotions, I feel my head won’t stop chattering to itself, I feel like my stomach is in knots, and all of this seems so trivial when others are dealing with so much more. Others have real problems, real illnesses to deal with, I have nothing except my own self pity.

Which in turn makes me think what’s the point? Why be here, alive, what is the point in life? Yes I have children, a husband, a nice house, a car, a garden, so I have much of what others want, and think would make their lives happy, but it doesn’t. I won’t do anything drastic, I could only do that if someone had a magic wand and could make everyone forget about me. But, at the same time that makes me feel trapped.

I’m not happy, but I don’t know what would make me happy. I’m a coward as I won’t do anything to get away, I’ll plod along with my uneventful life, and I will put on my mask to say ‘I’m fine!’.

Who’s ‘Me’?

Who’s ‘Me’?

It’s been 4 very long and very hard years since I was first diagnosed with depression and anxiety, at the time I thought if I took the pills they offered within a couple of months I would be back to ‘normal’, how wrong I was!

I have had some good times, with my mood appearing to improve for short spaces of time, but it never seemed to last. It has possibly not been helped by my very strong desire to come off medication, convinced that it was making me worse. Unfortunately instead of things improving this year that have just gone from bad to worse, and after a stay in hospital, (in March this year) I just haven’t been able to secure my footing on life.

I’ve got lots of input from services, CPN, Psychiatrist, PALS (Fitness), Pathways (Group Sessions) and also the help of family and friends. But unfortunately nothing seems to be working, I can’t seem to motivate myself, I can’t seem to see anything positive in life, and even though I am doing things, I am just going through the motions.

Because of all this I have forgotten who I am, I’ve forgotten what I used to be like, I don’t know what has always been me and what is me from the illness. I know I will never be ‘the me’ I once was, but I don’t even recognise myself these days. I struggle to remember what is happening in friends and family’s life, and therefore I am not usually there for them when they need support. I struggle to plan anything, and lists just make me anxious. I used to like lists and being organised, but it just isn’t happening at the moment.

How can anyone actually like me, when I don’t like myself, when I don’t even know who I am. I know I used to be fairly confident, and had some self belief, but now all that has gone. I find it very hard to believe that anyone really needs me as a friend, but I think I have always thought that. I guess I have never felt good enough for anyone to want to be friends with me.

My life has become a very small place, with me doing very little, and I know that the more I do the better I should feel, and I am trying, but actually it is not always that easy, and even though I have been doing things in recent weeks, apart from a very small flicker of light, I haven’t seen any improvement.

How do I get ‘me’ back? How do I find things to enjoy, how do I wean myself off playing on the iPad & iPhone and stop watching films throughout the day? A lot of people say be kind to yourself, take time to get better, do things that make you happy, but I don’t do anything all day for anyone but me. And it’s getting easier and easier to do nothing, and the feelings of guilt are just floating away. I’m not sure if that’s good or not, personally I think it’s not a good thing.

Then everything comes back to the same place, the same thoughts, the same gremlins, eating away at my mind. The gremlins that set my mind on the negative path of self destruction, the thoughts of not wanting to be here start getting stronger. I know I won’t give into the gremlins, but it’s tiring having a constant fight in your own mind.

I am hoping that one day I will get better, I will be able to function better, and I will start to find ‘me’ again.

25th September 2014

25th September 2014

Once again I haven’t written for awhile, so I thought it was time I put fingers to keyboard and get some words down on screen!

A new chapter has started in this house as our youngest (TJ) has started full time school. So you would think that I would be much happier, more relaxed and enjoying life again, unfortunately that isn’t the case.

I saw my psychiatrist last week and as I haven’t made any real improvement he has suggested that it is time to try Lithium or ECT, neither of which seem particularly pleasant. For now though he has put me on Quietapine XL at night, it’s making me drowsy, but as yet (it’s only been a week) I haven’t felt any improvement.

I have started swimming twice a week, and I seem to be finding it easier as time goes on, but as yet I’m not getting any real enjoyment out of it. I guess it takes time to effect my well being with exercise?

So today I have spent most of the day on the sofa, watching netflix and eating food, whilst also playing games on the iPad. This seems to have become the norm for me over the last few weeks, when I’m in the house alone I seem incapable of doing anything!! Today was no different to most, except I have just felt down, fed up, and wanting to cry for no particular reason.

I have spent most of the summer holidays wishing I wasn’t here anymore, but I am because of the children and NJ. It’s been draining and hard work to deal with the constant battle in my brain. It’s also hard work when I am so short with the kids, I seem to have no tolerance, and I snap at the kids, and then complain when the eldest does the same to me and her siblings.

I have had enough of feeling like this, of feeling like I am just treading water, getting nowhere with my life, never being happy with anything. I am trying, but it feels like such hard work, and I feel that I am constantly failing, failing at being a wife, mum, friend, and failing at living life. I don’t know what to do anymore, have I just got to live with how I feel, learn how to say that everything is fine, should I stop telling people how I am feeling? I feel lost and alone, and stuck in a pit with no way out.

It would be good to know peoples’s experience with Lithium or ECT, my diagnosis (I think) is depression and anxiety.

3 Years On

3 Years On

I have just had a message from Word Press to tell me my blog is 3 years old! Doesn’t time fly! Unfortunately even though I have had some highs along the way at the moment I don’t feel like I have moved on at all since I started my blog.

I know in reality I have moved on, the issues that I struggled with back then are not all the same as they are now.

This is all my first post said

“I have decided to write a blog to put down what has happened and what is happening to me with regards to my mental health.

Over time I intend to write about the birth that tipped me over the edge and the events that happened before all of that which I believe contributed to my mental health problems that I am now experiencing.”

When I first started writing it did seem to help, I began to become a small part of the blogging community, unfortunately as I was very intermittent in my blogging I never really became really involved and blogs that I enjoyed reading soon slipped by and I’m not sure how much my blog was or is read.

I’m not about to make any grand resolution to write once a week, or everyday, but I think I do need to blog more often. I enjoy blogging and writing, it helps to sometimes get things out that are in my head, and I hope that maybe someone who reads it may feel like they are not alone.

When I started this blog I don’t think I would have ever dreamed that in 3 years time I would still be feeling the same and still be struggling with depression and anxiety. Maybe I can try and make the next 3 years different? Maybe I can finally get a grip on this illness and find the right medication and support to get me to a much better place and then maybe I can be of some help to others that are just starting on that horrible journey of depression, anxiety and any other mental illness.

It’s Been Awhile!!

It’s Been Awhile!!

Ok, its been 2 months since I last blogged and since then my emotions, depression and anxiety have been all over the place!

After trying to come off Venlavaxine I only last a couple of days before I gave up, the withdrawal symptoms were horrendous – and no one had any wise ideas of how to improve it, or make it easier. So I went back to 150mg. I see my psychiatrist at the end of Feb, so I will ask him then what he suggests.

Leading up to Christmas I started to get into a really positive mood, everything felt great and I was feeling good about the future and me, I felt strong enough to battle the gremlins in my mind, they were still there but I could push them away. I wasn’t feeling as negative, I wasn’t feeling so down on myself. During this time I saw the 3 health professionals who have seen me the most; CPN, GP and Psychologist and all 3 said I was looking and sounding really good. My CPN said it was the best she had ever seen me. All of this made me feel even better, I felt I had finally started to turn a corner, I knew there would still be a way to go, but I also knew that I was finally getting stronger and coming out of the darkness.

Unfortunately that didn’t last, I’m not sure if it was just before or just after Christmas, but I felt my mood drop. There is nothing specific that I can pin point to say there was a trigger, my mood just seemed to slightly drop. From then on my mood was low, grouchy with the kids and fairly useless around the house.

I saw my CPN last week and  it transpired that I was missing my closest friend and also jealous as she had got a part time job from the New Year and she had also got a puppy after the summer holidays. I ended up in tears, but it did make me feel slightly better to have off loaded some feelings, even though I hadn’t realised they were effecting me so much.

Then last Friday I had a day out at a conference (of sorts) for my business, it was a really good inspiring day and I came away with lots of positive ideas and thoughts. Monday saw me planning what I would get done during the day, having coffee with friends (whilst the kids played) and then a productive afternoon. Tuesday was a very productive day, I had a meeting with my mentor and then I spent the afternoon on my business and also got the news that I might have someone who wants sponsoring. I felt great, I was really inspired, I was motivated and felt really good.

As always it didn’t last, Wednesday saw my mood drop – just because a friend wasn’t able to meet for coffee and another was already busy. I felt unwanted, un-friended (not sure that is a word??), and generally down on myself. The urges to self harm were strong – but I didn’t act on anything. Then again today my mood feels flat and down, I feel empty.

I have so much to live for; I have 3 great kids, I know they can be pains and I want to shake the eldest to get her stirred up about something, but she can still be very kind and loving and I know she is great when she is with her friends and at school. I have a good business, that I believe could be great and give us the income we would like – I just need to work harder at it! I have a husband who really loves me – something that I don’t deserve, but he’s stuck by me over the last few years and I should really be more grateful and realise that he does actually like me!

So why, if I know these things, do I feel so down? Why do I sometimes feel I just don’t want to be here? Why do I want to constantly harm myself with something sharp? I know no one can really answer this questions, but for me it is mind blowing. I can go from being so high, to so low in a matter of hours and even though the rational side of me knows that things are good, the other side of me just says how rubbish everything and everything about me is.

So yes, its been awhile since I last blogged, but my mind has been all over the place and so many times I sat to blog and the words just didn’t flow. Hopefully I have broken that barrier for now and I will try and blog more frequently.

Changing

Changing

Today I took a reduced amount of my Venlavaxine, I have gone from 150mg slow release to 75mg slow release and 37.5 normal. Unfortunately I have felt the effects of the reduced amount, something that I don’t remember when I went from 225mg to 150mg (having the same 37.5mg to help). I don’t feel horrendous, but I do feel woozy, tired and a bit icky.

I know that Venlavaxine is notoriously hard to come off, but for me that wasn’t a reason to stay on it. I hope within a couple of days I will begin to feel better.

Since stopping Quetiapine and the short spell on Pregabalin, I can happily say I no longer feel sedated nor do I have a fog all around me. It is quite strange what being sedated can do to you, and how coming off a medication that is not necessarily helping you can make you feel. I feel stronger and more determined, I know what I want now and I am capable of asking for it.

I have started to do more around the house, as sitting around makes me feel uncomfortable, and it feels wrong. This is in a change to me feeling guilty that I wasn’t keeping the house tidy. I am by no means there yet, the house is still a mess and today I have done very little (although have been out most of the day), but I feel that my mind is going in the right direction.

My psychologist asked if I felt that this was the right time to reduce, did I feel that I was getting better? My answer was I don’t know, but I just need to come off the medication so I know for sure if it is helping me or not. I hope it isn’t and I will start to build my life back up without being medicated.

I have no problems with taking any medication if it is actually doing me / my mind some good, but I refuse to take something this is not doing me any good or enhancing my life. If I discover in a few weeks that I am not able to cope on a lower dose then I will speak to the professionals and accept that my life for now will be ruled by medication.

I do believe though that I am changing, and I just hope that I can keep going on the same path that I am currently on.

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