Well, many months have passed since I last blogged, and several times I have started to write, but I got bored, or it sounded stupid, or I just couldn’t focus for long enough. I’ve also changed the theme several times, hoping that by doing so I would be motivated to write.
Coming up to Christmas and just after I was starting to feel a little more positive, that was until NJ decided that he was going to get ill, and he didn’t want to just spend time in bed, he also wanted to spend time in ICU. So as you can imagine, whilst I mostly kept it together whilst he was in hospital, not long after he came out I was really struggling again.
So the first half of the year has been a bit of a struggle, but we have managed holidays away, and I’ve even enjoyed myself some of the time!
Now we are into June, and a milestone birthday (40) for me tomorrow, and for some reason I am feeling quite down, but I don’t think it has to do with my birthday, as I’ve been struggling for a few weeks. I am carrying on with life, doing what is needed, I’m even carrying in with my direct selling business. But I feel like I have lost all focus for life. I’m not sure where I am going, what I want to do with my life and how I am meant to find that meaning.
I know I have 3 great kids (well most of the time) and a very loving husband, but as my youngest has just turned 5 and coming to the end of her first year in full time education, I find I still have no direction in my life, when I’m feeling good and positive I feel alive and think about working with pre-school children, but right now that just seems too hard to even start looking at!
I seem to have no focus on the future, nothing to make me go ‘yes’ that’s what I want to do, that’s what I would like to be able to do, that’s what I would like to do with my life. And then those thoughts lead to further negative thinking and the gremlins get in my mind, and I start to think ‘what’s the point?’.
My son is being particularly difficult at the moment, which isn’t helping, but I think he just needs help with dealing with his emotions, it’s almost like the emotions overtake him and he doesn’t know what to do.
So whilst I am in a better place than I was this time last year, I’m still struggling with life and all that brings with it.