After 2 weeks of taking my Anti D’s things started to go horribly wrong, I don’t remember a great deal about how I actually felt at that time, I just remember what happened. Luckily (I think) I did write in my Baby Center journal again and this has helped me remember and recognise how bad things were.
I am going to include my Journal again as I don’t think I can really put how I was feeling and the events that happened any better or clearer. Some people may think it is too personal, but I wish to highlight what having PND can do to you. I am also finding this all quite therapeutic as it is making me see how far I have come.
15th September 2010 – Baby Center Journal
So tomorrow I will have been taking the Anti D’s for 2 weeks, and my emotions have been all over the place.
Last week I didn’t feel too bad, I told the NN and the HV that I didn’t need to see them this week as I was coping better, and the counsellor said I also seemed better that I had been. Then since Sat I have felt really anxious and down.
DH came to the Gp’s with yesterday, which I found really hard, and he did too. The Gp wants to refer me to a psychiatric nurse, which has made me feel worse in that this is real. Although I told DH last night that I am fine, there is nothing wrong with me and I don’t need to see anyone anymore. I just feel that if I kept telling myself I am ok, I will be ok, I also feel like I want to stop taking the meds, and just go back to normal and stop relying on people when there is nothing wrong and I am just being lazy.
I am seeing the NN today (realised I needed to see her before next week!) so will tell her how I am feeling.
Can you will yourself better? Maybe if I just got on and got the house sorted I would feel much better and DH wouldn’t be so annoyed with me, and will see that I am ok.
This has all been a bit of a mishmash today, but I just need to put my feelings / thoughts down somewhere
27th September 2010 – Baby Center Journal
Its been almost 2 weeks since I last wrote anything, and in that time its been a bit of a nightmare, I’ve tried to write a few times but just wasn’t up to it I suppose.
I saw my HV on the Thursday (at clinic) and had a mini breakdown with her, she was really concerned and wanted to get me to see a GP there and then, but I had DD to take swimming and really didn’t want to not take her. So she asked my permission to speak to a GP and she would ring me in the morning.
HV came round in the morning, told me she had got me an appointment to see a Dr and she would come with me for support. So off I go and see Dr where I have another melt down, he asked me if he could contact the CPN and get someone out to see me I agreed as I could see no other option.
My biggest problem was feeling like I wanted to self harm most of the time, and I am guessing that is what was concerning them. I was really worried about DH knowing, but agreed to let the HV tell him what was going on.
I got a phone call at lunch time from the Crisis Team, which I wasn’t expecting, and then DH called to say he was coming home. The HV had told him that he needed to be at home, as I wasn’t safe to be alone! It was hard when the CPN’s turned up (2 of them) asking about what had happened, so I had to go over the birth etc again. DH was home by this time, so he was made aware of what was going on by them. They said they would call in the morning to arrange to see me.
I waited all day for the call, which did not help my anxiety, someone phoned me about 4ish, they did apologise but there had been an emergency that was being dealt with. She came out to see me on the Sat & Sun, the Sun she was really concerned about my anxiety and the not sleeping so she got me some sleeping tablets and something else to help till the following day when I was to see a psychiatrist. She had told DH that if I had had something sharp enough I would have hurt myself (which was true), I had tried to do something but there was nothing sharp enough, just sort of scratched myself, I don’t think DH really got what was being said. Later when we were out I must have said something and he then realised what had happened and kind of lost it, which did not help me, which is why I didn’t want him to know in the first place.
The next day (Mon) DH went to see the HV and I think she helped him understand what was happening, and that it wasn’t really me, just the ‘illness’ making me think like I was, he was also told by the CPN that I should not be left alone as I wouldn’t be safe. I was asked several times if I wanted to go into hospital (I said NO). Saw the psychiatrist, who prescribed something to help with the anxiety, but I didn’t get the chance to really talk to anyone, which set me off again.
I have seen someone from the Crisis team everyday since, some I have felt better with than others. I have had my anti-depressant upped and am still taking the other tablets to help with sleep and anxiety. I did hurt myself again on the Tuesday, but haven’t really done anything since although have felt like doing something most of the time.
My DH has been really supportive and has been working from home, I have told him when I have had bad thoughts and also that I didn’t feel safe going shopping on my own (I was likely to buy something sharp). It has been very strange having conversations with people quite calmly about things not being sharp enough to do what I want and that I would buy something if I could.
This morning I felt really bad and told the CPN that I felt like it was never going to stop or get better, and felt that the meds were making me worse, but this afternoon I actually started to feel normal! So maybe the meds are working, I am still very anxious about things, especially if the phone rings and thoughts of having to talk to lots of people. I have also started to spend more time with DD#2 the baby. I have also started using her name more, and things do seem to be improving so maybe there is light at the end of this very long tunnel.
This has been a really long journal today, but I think I needed to write all this somewhere, I know tomorrow I may feel bad again, but a least for now I can feel slightly normal and might even be able to watch some telly!
I hope that anyone who has managed to read all this and is struggling will see that even though 12 months ago things were very bad, I have come out the other side. I am still recovering and it doesn’t take much to knock me down, but I am nothing like I was and those silly thoughts are getting less and less.