25th September 2014

25th September 2014

Once again I haven’t written for awhile, so I thought it was time I put fingers to keyboard and get some words down on screen!

A new chapter has started in this house as our youngest (TJ) has started full time school. So you would think that I would be much happier, more relaxed and enjoying life again, unfortunately that isn’t the case.

I saw my psychiatrist last week and as I haven’t made any real improvement he has suggested that it is time to try Lithium or ECT, neither of which seem particularly pleasant. For now though he has put me on Quietapine XL at night, it’s making me drowsy, but as yet (it’s only been a week) I haven’t felt any improvement.

I have started swimming twice a week, and I seem to be finding it easier as time goes on, but as yet I’m not getting any real enjoyment out of it. I guess it takes time to effect my well being with exercise?

So today I have spent most of the day on the sofa, watching netflix and eating food, whilst also playing games on the iPad. This seems to have become the norm for me over the last few weeks, when I’m in the house alone I seem incapable of doing anything!! Today was no different to most, except I have just felt down, fed up, and wanting to cry for no particular reason.

I have spent most of the summer holidays wishing I wasn’t here anymore, but I am because of the children and NJ. It’s been draining and hard work to deal with the constant battle in my brain. It’s also hard work when I am so short with the kids, I seem to have no tolerance, and I snap at the kids, and then complain when the eldest does the same to me and her siblings.

I have had enough of feeling like this, of feeling like I am just treading water, getting nowhere with my life, never being happy with anything. I am trying, but it feels like such hard work, and I feel that I am constantly failing, failing at being a wife, mum, friend, and failing at living life. I don’t know what to do anymore, have I just got to live with how I feel, learn how to say that everything is fine, should I stop telling people how I am feeling? I feel lost and alone, and stuck in a pit with no way out.

It would be good to know peoples’s experience with Lithium or ECT, my diagnosis (I think) is depression and anxiety.

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