What is wrong with me? Why am I so lazy and useless? I don’t and can’t believe that this is all an ‘illness’. I have stuff to do around the house and for my business, but I can’t get motivated to do any of it. I need to find myself a focus a goal, but I can’t seem to get my brain to dare to plan. It seems ok to plan for others and events, but not for what my future might hold. My youngest (TJ) starts school next September (see I can think ahead), but I have no idea what I will do with my time. I am pretty sure NJ (Hubby) will want me to be making some money to help fund our life, but I’m not sure if I will be making enough with my business, but I’m also at a loss to what I could do. I would want something to fit around the children, which narrows it down some what!
My head feels a mess at the moment, no real focus, no real aim in life. I can do the basics, I get up, showered, eat, sort lunches, get the kids to school, get washing done (eventually) ironing (again eventually), feed the kids, get them to bed. But the stuff in-between doesn’t seem to be making any progress. I really good friend spent time on Friday (time she was short of) helping me to do a time table for my week, to help give my some structure and manage to get rest, do jobs and play with the youngest (when she’s around), but so far I have failed to even look at the timetable, let alone try and achieve any of it.
I’ve no idea if this is all to do with the change of meds, which I doubt it is all to do with it, and is the medication I am on making me any better anyway? Would I be better off without taking anything? At least then I would know for sure if I was ‘ill’, sent ‘weird’ with the medication or actually there is nothing wrong with me and I can go back to the life I once knew. (And for the record, I have no idea what that life was).
I am eating better now, and have been for a few weeks, but it has not changed my mood or my motivation, and I don’t feel any healthier. I am going to continue with eating better as the only good thing from it is I am losing weight. So I am trying, but maybe I am not trying hard enough, maybe all this is in my head (well actually yes it is, apparently my brain), but maybe there is no chemical imbalance, maybe it’s just who I am, and I pretended to be someone else for so long, that now I have been on the other side subconsciously I don’t want to go back?
My CPN asked me last week what I would say to a new health professional about how I felt, I was a bit stumped, where to start? It would be no good going back to the beginning, because although TJ’s birth was the catalyst for how things have been, I don’t think it’s about that anymore. I do know that I feel unmotivated, tired, unable to cope with stress (even small amounts), I feel unable to deal with the children, which in turn makes me feel useless and a failure. When I read that back it doesn’t seem worthy of being on medication and having regular visits with a CPN, but I know that there is more to how I feel. I just don’t seem to be able to find the right words, to explain this empty feeling inside, the loneliness when you are surrounded by people, the need to have people around, but at the same time wanting to be alone. The need to self harm to feel something, the feeling of wanting to run away, but not being able to because of the people around you. Okay, so maybe I did find the words for some of it?
I thought writing things down might of helped, but it hasn’t. My head still feels foggy, full of cotton wool, also feels empty, but full of thoughts all the time (see I’m really not normal), I hope others that struggle with depression (if that’s what I am suffering from), can maybe empathise with how I am feeling and struggling.
What’s worked for you with finding the motivation to do things, and to help with your recovery?