It’s almost 3 years since I started taking antidepressants, 3 years since I admitted that all was not okay with me, 3 years since mine and the rest of the family’s life was changed forever.
I would like to say that the changes have been for the better and that I am now a stronger better person, but I can’t, not yet. I am still on that journey to find ‘me’ again, to know that who I am is good enough, and that I am worthy of being loved.
I have talked and talked over the last 3 years to health professionals and my friends, and I guess it has made me take a look at myself, to try and see what is wrong with me.
My sisters are both doing okay, one suffered with depression many years ago, but is now okay and seems to be handling life really well. My other sister has never suffered depression, but has been sympathetic and kind of supportive. So this leaves me questioning my original thoughts that it is all about my upbringing and the lack of emotional support whilst growing up. I have come to realise that it is me, and how I was programmed before birth, I am just not very positive about myself, I have no confidence in my own abilities and constantly question my role in life.
I saw my psychologist today and we are going to work towards helping me understand why I am like I am, and also learn how to deal with the kids and accept that as long as I show them love and affection, telling them off will not make them hate me, or feel unloved like I have.
3 Years ago I thought by October everything would be okay, that things would be back to normal, how wrong could I be? The health professionals all said there was no time limit on getting better and that it would be a journey, but that I would get better. I know things are much better than they were, but I still feel like I am treading water most of the time, and almost waiting for the next major dip.
So the journey continues, if anyone has any good tips on making the journey easier please let me know.