We are at the end of week 4 of the school holidays, and I am almost broken. Thoughts of self harm are very strong, and the urges are getting stronger.

The children seem to know that they can do as they please and I have no say in what they do. NJ is trying to rein them back in and get some discipline in the house, but I’m finding it very hard to deal with the tantrums and bickering.

The more stressed I get the more NJ tries to help, but unfortunately the more angry NJ gets with the kids, the more guilty I feel, that my mood is effecting the kids, and somehow I need to change and try and change the kids without constantly shouting at them.

We had a quick trip to town this morning and it was much more stressful than it should have been. The kids were arguing and bickering and running off. Then back home the same continues, shouting at each other and FJ getting very angry.

I want to be free of these thoughts, but as they seem to be linked to stress I am probably going to have to learn how to deal with them and not act upon them. But what does seem to be the case is that the medication is not stopping them, and the anxiety is returning.


2 thoughts on “Thoughts

  1. Look into getting help. See your doctor. Find out if anyone can take the kids for a day, or if there’s any holiday clubs they can go to.
    Sometimes all we can think of is changing ourselves. When a change of circumstances is an enormous help.
    You have an illness. It may take a while to work out how to make you feel better. You are taking all the guilt on board when this is something you can approach from a different angle.
    My friend was suicidal. Until someone suggested she send her kids to a childminder a couple of days a week. As a SAHM she’d never considered this. But if it kept her from hurting herself her husband was more than happy to pay for it. It got her through a difficult time and made a huge difference.
    Don’t soldier on. Not if you can’t. You’re not weak by speaking up and getting help xxx

    1. Thank you for replying. Unfortunately there is no holiday club in the last 2 weeks of the holiday. They should have all been there last week, but FJ (Son) was unwell, and therefore I didn’t get the break I needed. Hoping that grandparents will help out next week (we are visiting my family this week). I’m seeing my GP tonight, so will mention it to him how I am feeling.

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