I have been on medication for almost 3 years and it feels that over that time I have slowly lost who I am. Every now and then I see a little light of who I once was, but it never takes much for the light to quickly disappear.
I used to have ambition and drive, I used to know what I wanted and what I believed in, I used to have feelings and emotions that went up and down, all of those things seem to have gone. I am now someone who simply exists from day to day, I plod along going through the motions like feeding and clothing the kids, but I don’t feel anything except anger and sadness.
Most of my days are now completely child free from 9 – 3.15, yet I still struggle to spend time with them, I get cross when they don’t do as they are asked and I get frustrated when they want my attention and a cuddle. I seem to have forgotten how to spend time with them and I seem to have forgotten how to parent! How should I talk to my children, how should I interact with them? The less I do the less I want to do and the less I am able to do.
When I thought about becoming a parent I am pretty sure I didn’t imagine it would be like this, because of my medication and the depression I seem to forget things all the time, but I also feel like everything is alien to me, as if I have never been a parent before, as if I need to be taught what to do and how to communicate with my own children. Sometimes I even feel like they are not my children, not because I find them hard work, but just that it seems so strange that they are mine and were created partly by me.
I sort of worked hard at school, I did my GCSE’s, did A-Levels and I’ve even got a degree, but none of that seems to matter I don’t feel like I have achieved anything all that education feels like it happened to someone else. I’ve had lots of different jobs, but none of them stir my passion to go back out to work and even though I have my own business now I have so little enthusiasm to get back into it I realise what a lazy person I really am.
I remember when I was first ill and constantly being asked ‘who is Mrs S?’ and I couldn’t answer, I didn’t have any hobbies, I didn’t have a job and I felt a complete failure as a parent. And so 3 years on I seem to have got no where I still do not know who I am, I have no idea what I want to do with my life, and I have no idea how to parent my children.
I am a failure at life, some people just breeze through life, managing to have a dream and follow it, but I do not have any dreams, they seem to have all been taken away with the medication and the illness, but then I wonder if I had any dreams before I became ill? Maybe I was always destined to be a failure, someone who just plods along and does nothing with their life?
If anyone has any good ideas on how to find ‘me’ again let me know.