Once again I find myself sat at the computer whilst all 3 children are playing on electrical items, iPhone, iPod and DSi. I am acutely aware how bad this type of parenting is, and doing it seems to make my anxiety and depression worse, but I am also finding it difficult to actually interact with the children and just want my own space. In a slight change to the norm I am not playing a game on the computer, purely because I am waiting for others to help me to the next level, but at least I am attempting to write a post, which may or may not make me feel slightly better / more normal.
It is the second week of the Easter holidays and AJ is back from spending a week away with her best friend, it seems no different her being here, than when she was away, I think I was so spaced out and anxious last week that I didn’t miss her as much as I might have done had I been well. The next 3 days are planned, they are out with their grandparents and then 2 days of meeting with friends, so hopefully they won’t be having as much time on the electronics!
I have so much I should be doing, tidying, cleaning, ironing the mountain that has gradually grown from a mole hill in the corner of my living room, interacting with the children, making meals and even spending time on my business! But I can’t summon up the motivation to do any of them, and wish I could just be alone. I will have to tackle the mountain at some point as everyone’s wardrobes are becoming very empty, and ironing as and when things are needed becomes stressful in itself.
Over the last couple of weeks my anxiety / depression has almost got to crisis point again, my anxiety felt like I was back when I was first diagnosed with PND, shaky, heart pounding and feeling sick and I had / have succumbed to self harming again. All the health professionals are aware and even NJ is aware this time and is being really supportive (although there were a few disapproving conversations to begin with). They have reduced my medication until I can see the psychiatrist and given me some Diazepam to help with the anxiety. It seemed to help over the weekend after taking just 2, but I don’t want to be reliant on them. I feel edgy / anxious again today but will hopefully manage it on my own.
My newest dilemma is if I should speak to the kids (AJ at least) about my depression and anxiety, at almost 10 I think she should know that I’m not well, but I’m not sure how I would approach it and what the best thing to say would be. Any experience / thoughts from others would be great.
My day will continue no doubt with the kids watching TV / a film, playing on the electronic toys and me sitting at the computer. I hope that one day I will progress and start to feel more ‘normal’ again.