On my Shoulder

On my Shoulder

Sitting on my right shoulder is my gremlin, and each day he seems to be getting bigger as he shouts his negative thoughts at me, egging me on to feel down, fed up and rubbish. On my left shoulder is my positive thoughts (I have no image of what this looks like!) but it seems to be getting smaller, losing its strength as the gremlin gains his.

I no longer know what is me, what is my medication and what is the depression (if that’s what it is?) I have spent the last couple of weeks feeling ‘fed up’ and down for no apparent reason, I just do. I have no get up and go and no desire to be with other people, I struggle each day with all 3 children, but mostly my youngest as she (quite rightly) begs for my attention, and I just want to be alone.

I hate myself for feeling like this, and even though I am still functioning by getting the kids to school, collecting them and giving them tea, I know I am failing them on so many levels. I’m not giving them what they need, the one to one attention, support with their school work, my undivided attention, playing and having fun with them. I am even beginning to wonder why I had kids, I look back over the last 10 years and wonder have I ever really coped with them? My son struggles being the only boy and often say’s he wishes he was the only one, and my eldest has said the same many times, I feel so crap that I have made them feel like this, that they do not want to share their lives with their siblings.

My gremlin is sitting there telling me to find something sharp to self harm with, and so far I have resisted  but his voice is getting ever louder and I do not know how long I will be able to ignore him.

The health professionals know that I am struggling at the moment, but no one can actually turn my brain off and stop the gremlin, no one can change who I am and make me the person I want to be. I know all the things I should be doing, keeping myself busy, eating healthily, doing exercise etc etc, but anyone who has been in this black hole will know that it is at times like this that the black hole is so big it is hard to get yourself out of it and do the things you ‘should’ be doing.

I am really a very useless person.

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8 thoughts on “On my Shoulder

  1. love I so recall all those feeling and emotions – are you getting some counselling – you have to recognise that medication is not going to do this alone – even if you have seen a counsellor then its time to go back – you CAN and will feel better but you have to decide that enough is enough

    1. Thank you for taking the time to comment. I am seeing a psychologist at the moment and before Christmas things seem to be improving, but now things have taken a dive. I’m not sure if the sessions are helping or not, I just seem to be in a constant cycle of feeling better then taking a step back, unfortunately this time I seem to have taken a bigger dive than normal.

      1. what kind of counselling are you receiving love? is the psychologist sorting out the medication and doing counselling or just meds? maybe request some different interventions love or a change in your pills, its not one size fit all and I felt dreadful for a long time before getting the right ones

      2. With my psychologist we are just talking about all sorts of things, I then see my CPN every 4 weeks (but she’s seeing me in 2 weeks this time), I’m also seeing my GP who is helping with my meds and then I am also under a psychiatrist, but I think it will have been 6 months by the time I see him again. I know one size doesn’t fit all, but the meds did seem to be helping, up until recently.

  2. You are too hard on yourself, it’s difficult but you need to look at the positives from your post above. All 3 kids are fit and healthy, they are siblings so they will always fight and want to be number 1 in the house. You are there, you are there for them if they need you. Stop thinking about, and beating yourself up about what you think you should be doing and just do what you do. If all else fails you can talk to your wonderful husband 😉

  3. I know exactly how you feel as have been there too many times to count over the past 18 or so months. The overwhelming feeling of the depressive and negative thoughts are so hard to move away from when you’re in this deep hole, feeling terrible for more hours than good. I also wrote about what it looks like to me… I love that we all have our own way of picturing this nasty thing! Keep fighting, my lovely… You are doing an amazing job and the very fact your are still there for your children is proof of that. I’ve put a link to my post below in case you’d like to read xx

    http://awriterelief.wordpress.com/2012/10/30/postnatal-depression-the-monster-in-my-closet/

  4. You are far from useless. Of course they want to be ‘the only one’ – I only appreciated and got on with my siblings when they moved out. The fact your kids are happy to moan to you about their siblings says to me they must feel pretty secure. You’ve done that – while fighting a particularly nasty, persistant little gremlin (a great description of depression by the way).
    When it comes to kids, I read recently that whatever decision you make as a parent will be the wrong one! You’ll always be left thinking that x would have been different if only you’d done y.
    Sometimes all you can do is keep putting one foot in front of the other. And that’s enough to do at such times.

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