If I was in paid employment as the house keeper and nanny I would have been sacked by now as I am doing a very poor job as both! As it is I have to continue to struggle and battle with the housework and the children.
I know what I need to do, but I seem unable to carry out any of the tasks required. The house looks like there has been an explosion in all the rooms, there is washing that needs drying, clothes that need washing and ironing to do. The children are running riot and are just doing what ever they please, shouting, throwing, hitting and I appear to be speaking in a foreign language to them.
The house I think I can just about remedy, so maybe I would just be on a final warning for that, but as for the children I seem unable to control them and therefore my job as a nanny would be defunct. (If only!)
I know that I need to have more interaction with the children, they need to have less TV, DSi, iPhone, iPad and computer, and they need me to sit with them and play or make things. They also need more discipline, but I am so useless that when I try to discipline them I never see anything though, or not have any continuity so they just do what ever they want. I know that I need to have some self discipline to create more routine in the house and more time with the children than on the computer, iPhone, iPad!! I also need to feed them better, real meals that involve more than cucumber and tomatoes as their vegetables.
I possibly need to introduce reward charts, but again that would require my commitment to continue with it for more than a week to get any real return from the children, and with the ages 9.5, 6 and 2.5 it is quite hard to find something that will work for all of them. They have no respect for me or each other and are rude and selfish most of the time. Apparently when with other people they are wonderful, so somewhere inside them they have learnt something good.
I feel such a failure as a parent, you hear so much in the media about how bad children are and I know that I have 3 of them in my house, answering back, doing whatever they want and generally not being nice. No matter what anyone says, they are a creation of me, in both body and mind and I wish so much I could go back and re-do my work, and try harder this time.
I want to shout at them (which I have been doing far too much these last few days), but I also want to swear at them (which I won’t do) and bang their heads together (which I also won’t do). Sometimes I even want to walk out of the house and leave them to argue and fight on their own (again I won’t do), but my conscience won’t let me do anything to cause them harm, or put them in harms way.
I know that this negative thinking is the depression rearing its head again, but I don’t know what has triggered it, or maybe nothing has and I just have a broken mind? The worse I get the worse the children seem to be and then the worse I get, a catch 22 really.
It’s all back to normal on Monday, so maybe then my brain will settle down and I will get some sort of control of the house, if not I am seeing my psychologist on Tuesday so maybe he can help me work out why it’s all going wrong again!