It’s been a while since I last blogged, school holiday’s are not a great time to blog, busy during the day and then recuperating on an evening with chocolate and wine! (Which hasn’t been good for my waistline!!). AJ & FJ are back at school now and TJ starts playgroup on Monday, she will be going 2 mornings a week, so hopefully I can get some time to do the delightful housework and get some time to myself.

Our family holiday has come and gone, and I think I enjoyed the holiday, I know I didn’t not enjoy it, but my ability to enjoy or not seems to have been sucked away with my medication. The way I tend to describe my mood at the moment is monotone, there is no colour variation, just one long colour all the same, and unfortunately it is a fairly grey colour.

As I muddle through life it appears to most that I am doing ‘much better’, a clear example is my MIL commenting to NJ that I seemed much better when he told her I had finally got some one to one sessions with a psychologist. My mum and sisters must also feel the same as they have not asked me for quite some time how I am doing. I should be pleased, if others see that I am getting better than that must be the case, I must be dealing with tasks better and being more upbeat when I am with people. However I think the medication masks much of the illness and just allows me to carry on as if all is well, what people don’t see are all the thoughts going round my head, the numbness, the negativity, the loneliness.

The hardest thing with depression and many other mental health illnesses is that it can’t be seen, and I know that is much the same as asthma or diabetes (and many others I imagine), but they are illnesses that are physical, and these are illnesses that are constant and also acceptable within society, because they are tangible these illnesses are never questioned. Mental health is not always constant, you have good, bad and terrible days, but often not seen by many, who just see you either happy or ‘grumpy’.

Does anyone else with depression feel that life is lived in monotone? Or have you found ways to get some colour coming in?


3 thoughts on “Monotone

  1. I know when I was on Serotonin/prozac it had the effect of leaving me cut off from the highs as well as the very, very, lows sort of like restricting yourself to the middle lane on the motorway – a prefectly good place. Everything is curbed. And that is the problem. It doesn’t seem right and you gfell as if you are not yourself. Well you are not and that is good. You need time.
    Getting more colour in yor life will take that time. Think of what you are going through as a blue wash on a painting. The stuff upon which the colour will sit in time. Forget about making sure you are upbeat with peopel or having a good time on holiday. Now is the time when you sort it all out in your head and in your physical life. Dont think you have to be well now, this instant – it takes time, embace that. It’s a mind set thing. Prozac etc just gives you that breather so you can get it all sorted. So you can put the anchors down in your life; so that you can get the systems in place that will help you cope with the crap when you are no longer on meds.
    Now is the time to assess your life and work out who you are from an adult perspective not looking at only the bad bits but also the good bits as well – and you do have them, and in abundance.
    It is a strange place where you are now, I know I have been there too. You will find the colour and it will be all the more dazzling because of the journey you are making.
    Take greatest care.
    Tattie X

  2. I think Tattie has spoken some beautiful words there, but its so hard to see anything but grey when you’re shrouded by it. I didn’t take medication but life was grey and I struggled to find any enjoyment in it. I wish I could tell you how or even when the colour began to return but I just don’t know, it just did. You will feel again, realising that you’re not “there” yet is a good thing I think, I realise it’s missing. Like Tattie says, try not to think about how you should be or how you appear to others, do what ever you can to make YOU feel better x

  3. Tattie put what I was thinking so much better than I could! That monotone time is the time you need to feel balanced and work out what you need to do for you. Which is pretty much impossible when you’re trying to deal with the lows lurching in whenever they’re least wanted.
    When you said about others seeing you getting better you said ‘I should be pleased’. No you shouldn’t. You should be feeling however you’re feeling. There is no right and wrong. But that also means you shouldn’t belittle the moments (even if they’re few at the moment) where you feel pleased or proud or relieved that you’re doing something about how you feel.

I hope you enjoyed reading this post, I would love to know what you thought.

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