It’s been a while since I last blogged, school holiday’s are not a great time to blog, busy during the day and then recuperating on an evening with chocolate and wine! (Which hasn’t been good for my waistline!!). AJ & FJ are back at school now and TJ starts playgroup on Monday, she will be going 2 mornings a week, so hopefully I can get some time to do the delightful housework and get some time to myself.
Our family holiday has come and gone, and I think I enjoyed the holiday, I know I didn’t not enjoy it, but my ability to enjoy or not seems to have been sucked away with my medication. The way I tend to describe my mood at the moment is monotone, there is no colour variation, just one long colour all the same, and unfortunately it is a fairly grey colour.
As I muddle through life it appears to most that I am doing ‘much better’, a clear example is my MIL commenting to NJ that I seemed much better when he told her I had finally got some one to one sessions with a psychologist. My mum and sisters must also feel the same as they have not asked me for quite some time how I am doing. I should be pleased, if others see that I am getting better than that must be the case, I must be dealing with tasks better and being more upbeat when I am with people. However I think the medication masks much of the illness and just allows me to carry on as if all is well, what people don’t see are all the thoughts going round my head, the numbness, the negativity, the loneliness.
The hardest thing with depression and many other mental health illnesses is that it can’t be seen, and I know that is much the same as asthma or diabetes (and many others I imagine), but they are illnesses that are physical, and these are illnesses that are constant and also acceptable within society, because they are tangible these illnesses are never questioned. Mental health is not always constant, you have good, bad and terrible days, but often not seen by many, who just see you either happy or ‘grumpy’.
Does anyone else with depression feel that life is lived in monotone? Or have you found ways to get some colour coming in?