I have concluded that I am not actually ill, I am just a rubbish parent! If I was ill, the medication I am taking (and that has been increased on a few occasions) would be working and keeping me level constantly. However, what I now find is that during term time I can cope and manage and life ticks over okay, then come the holidays, when I am alone with all 3 children I can not cope, I have no control over the children and they have no respect for me. This is not an illness, this is someone who can not parent, someone who should not have become a parent. I feel guilty that I am not giving my children the up bringing that they deserve, I am not giving them guidance and the only time I seem to interact with them I am being negative.
I struggle to accept that feeling down, no energy, lacking emotions etc can be categorised as an illness, I accept more that it is in my nature, I was born like this and I am just lazy and can not cope with children or anyone who does not do as I ask. I had a normal upbringing, lived in a middle class town, had friends, went to university, got a job, got married had kids, nothing special, nothing out of the ordinary so no reason to feel down and out.
But I do feel down, I am struggling, struggling with my thoughts and how I am interacting with my children. If I was ill, after almost 2 years surely I would feel better more positive, not crumble at every harsh hurdle, not struggle with my 3 children that I chose to have. I have no one to blame but myself for the way I feel right now, I have created my children, I have molded how they behave, as people always say ‘children learn by example’ and as I am often shouting at my children and not interacting with them it is no surprise that I often find myself on the other side with the child shouting at me and refusing to do anything I ask them to do.
If right now I could make a choice about how to spend the next few days, without any consequences financially of emotionally, I would take myself off somewhere to sleep, read and just be alone, just me, no interaction with anyone, no children and no housework. Unfortunately I live in this real world, it is the school holidays and we have no extra money for niceties, so today I will get on as normal, we will have breakfast, we will meet up with friends and I will smile and chat and be full of life. I will get through the day, as I always do, and think that there are only 4 more weeks of the holiday’s left and I then things will get back to normal.
Then I feel unhappy that I feel this way, I wanted children, I wanted to be a stay at home mum, but I seem unable to enjoy it, I seem unable to parent and give my children what they need and deserve.
All I can hope is that one day I will learn to enjoy what I have been given and except life as it is.