2 years ago our school holidays started on a Wednesday, I remember this as it was the day I realised things with me were not right. I didn’t say anything then, but carried on as normal as I could, it took NJ suggesting that I may have PND for me to finally take the step and talk to someone about it and start to get the help that I needed.
Now 2 years on, and although I am in a much better place than I was, I am still not fully recovered, I wrote this 1 Year Ago Today and this When it All Came Crashing Down about how bad things were. I can deal with most of the day-to-day stresses, the squabbles and the fall outs, and I have nearly got to the end of the 2nd day of the school holidays and my temper is still intact!
The thing that makes me sad and gives me a heavy heart is that I am not recovered, and even though I have been told over and over again that there is no magic time line to mental illness, I still want someone to wave that wand and take all the negatives away. I want my body and mind to be ‘mine’ again, without the medication, without the thoughts that pop up whenever they feel like it.
I am very aware that my life has changed forever and there is no way of going back to the old me, or my old life, it no longer exists. Maybe this is one of things I have to learn to accept that I am now going to see life differently, I will always be acutely aware of my emotions, especially any negative emotions I might be feeling and I will question if this is leading to something more sinister as it has in the past.
Whilst I continue to move forward through my journey at a very sedate pace, I am hoping that seeing someone from psychological services will help with the return to a more ‘normal’ me and help me learn how to deal with my confused and unhelpful thoughts. I am still on a waiting list, and as with all things to do with mental health there appears to be a long wait till I can be seen, I am just grateful that I am not in crisis anymore.