Depression is a very lonely illness, no matter who you do or do not have around you, whether they understand or not, you are still so alone. No one else is inside your mind, they don’t hear your daily thoughts, your constant fight with negativity in your head.
As the days, weeks, months and now years pass by, I have become bored with this illness, and is it really an ‘illness’ or is it just that my brain is wired differently to others? I am bored of hearing myself say that I am struggling, that I am tired, that I don’t have the confidence for this and that. I am bored with taking medication that may or may not be helping.
It is tiring to be putting on the mask to be bright and breezy, to smile and laugh when all you want to do is go back to bed and wake up feeling ‘normal’ (I’m still searching for what that is!!), but that is what this ‘illness’ makes you do, so you can seem as if you are coping okay.
In my darkest moments I have not wanted to be here anymore, but that is not what a loved one wants to hear, they feel confused and angry that they are not enough, that you could feel it would be okay to not be here one day. So you tend to keep that information to yourself, going over and over again that it would be better for everyone if you did the decent thing.
With thoughts constantly going round in your head, it is easy to want to find something to stop the feelings, so self harm comes to the fore, but it is frown up even though it’s for me and about me and no one else, but again others do not understand it and health professionals will tell you not to do it and find alternative ways to deal with how you are feeling.
Then there are the days where everything is bubbling up inside and you want to cry, but you can’t, often the medication stops some of the emotions, and you have to deal with that sinking feeling inside, without a release because you know that the self harm won’t help and won’t make it go away for long.
You don’t share these thoughts and feelings because there are negative thoughts of some sort most days, and who wants to hear the same thing day in day out, and when you look ‘okay’ on the outside everyone is surprised and then it is too much to deal with the disbelief that anything could possibly be wrong.
There is an occasional break from the inside thoughts when you meet someone who is also depressed and you can talk openly and without judgement about how you are feeling, and have felt. However there is the danger of having verbal diarrhea, and you become unable to stop as the relief is so great to know there are others out there.
You can never get away from your mind and your thoughts, they are always with you and even when you sleep your mind is busy with bizarre dreams, that often leave you feeling just as tired as when you went to bed.
But many of us continue to live our lives with the constant battle and the loneliness that it brings, as there is no quick way out, it is a gradual process (apparently) and eventually you become better or learn to live with it.