Yesterday fJ was very poorly, he kept being sick and it was that horrible bile right from the stomach. I also had an unwell TJ, although illness unknown she clung to me till lunchtime only allowing me to put her down whilst I rinsed the sick bowl up. This was after a very disturbed night where TJ had been crying out almost hourly for no obvious reason & FJ waking up at 6, saying he thought he was going to be sick.
During this time I felt calm, unstressed and able to cope. I have decided that this must be my ‘survival mode’. My mind does not have time or space to think about me, about whether I may be tired, how worried I may be or even how fed up I might be. I was very much the same when NJ was in ICU several years ago I don’t think I ever realised or accepted how ill he actually was.
I wonder now if that is how I have lived most of my life, when anything unsettling happens I’ve gone into my ‘survival mode’ I’ve kept emotions to a minimum and just kept going, not allowing myself to show any major emotions. That worked for me until TJ’s birth when my ‘survival mode’ broke. It seems like it still works in short spurts such as yesterday, but today as FJ is much better (but still at home) I am back to normality for me at present, although I think tiredness is overriding most of my emotions.