How do you know that what you are experiencing is depression? What is the difference between depression and frustration with a situation? Whats the difference between depression and laziness?
I don’t know the answers to these questions, or the answers to many more that I have going round my head right now. However what I do know is that at the moment I don’t feel ‘right’, which is a very hard thing to describe. I feel very distant from everyone, NJ, the children, friends, everyone. On the surface I probably seem quite ok, I will chat and smile and do and say the right things, but inside I feel numb and distant from everything. I feel the desire to turn away and avoid any conversation.
The smallest thing that doesn’t go to plan, or the raised voice of NJ upsets me, but I have to hold it together when the children are about, and often they are the ones that I am getting frustrated with.
The constant mess in the house frustrates and stresses me, yet I seem unable to keep the place tidy, apparently I have always been like this, so it’s unlikly to be a sign of depression. I am just someone with no ‘get up and go’, yet somewhere along the way I have been ill and have been given medication and therapy so now I am confused and don’t know what is real and what is in my head.
Over the last few weeks I have been visited by my gremlins, they are quite persuasive whilst invading my brain, and sometimes the thoughts become all-consuming that I forget everything else that is going on around me. I am also quite obsessed with how I feel mentally and physically, is this lack of energy due to poor eating, lack of exercise or is it really a sign that I have slipped down the spiral again?
I want to believe that I am ill, because what if I’m not? What if I am just feeling sorry for myself, and not doing enough to pick myself up? What if I was to get up in the morning and say all is well, and keep smiling and keeping happy thoughts in my mind, is that all it would take? Unfortunately the more I think about it the more the gremlins start shouting, and the more I feel like walking out and leaving everything behind, but you can’t run away from your mind! I know I won’t walk out, where would I go, what would happen to the children and it won’t make me feel any different.
I am not sure there are any answers to these questions, but I’m willing to see if anyone has them.