How do you Know?

How do you Know?

How do you know that what you are experiencing is depression? What is the difference between depression and frustration with a situation? Whats the difference between depression and laziness?

I don’t know the answers to these questions, or the answers to many more that I have going round my head right now. However what I do know is that at the moment I don’t feel ‘right’, which is a very hard thing to describe. I feel very distant from everyone, NJ, the children, friends, everyone. On the surface I probably seem quite ok, I will chat and smile and do and say the right things, but inside I feel numb and distant from everything. I feel the desire to turn away and avoid any conversation.

The smallest thing that doesn’t go to plan, or the raised voice of NJ upsets me, but I have to hold it together when the children are about, and often they are the ones that I am getting frustrated with.

The constant mess in the house frustrates and stresses me, yet I seem unable to keep the place tidy, apparently I have always been like this, so it’s unlikly to be a sign of depression. I am just someone with no ‘get up and go’, yet somewhere along the way I have been ill and have been given medication and therapy so now I am confused and don’t know what is real and what is in my head.

Over the last few weeks I have been visited by my gremlins, they are quite persuasive whilst invading my brain, and sometimes the thoughts become all-consuming that I forget everything else that is going on around me. I am also quite obsessed with how I feel mentally and physically, is this lack of energy due to poor eating, lack of exercise or is it really a sign that I have slipped down the spiral again?

I want to believe that I am ill, because what if I’m not?  What if I am just feeling sorry for myself, and not doing enough to pick myself up? What if I was to get up in the morning and say all is well, and keep smiling and keeping happy thoughts in my mind, is that all it would take? Unfortunately the more I think about it the more the gremlins start shouting, and the more I feel like walking out and leaving everything behind, but you can’t run away from your mind! I know I won’t walk out, where would I go, what would happen to the children and it won’t make me feel any different.

I am not sure there are any answers to these questions, but I’m willing to see if anyone has them.


5 thoughts on “How do you Know?

  1. Lovely, I study this and other forms of mental illness at uni, depression has physical symptoms, many of which you describe above, lack of energy, sensitivity to noise and inability to control and feel anxious as a result, food issues, these are all symptoms of depression, can i say if you are taking AD’s then to go back to your doc and he will change them, and if you arent taking them then its time to start, have you accessed any counselling? if yes its time to go back and revisit that and if not again back to the doctors and ask for it. Better still access it privately, so it can be done quickly, it doesnt have to be expensive many charities offer subsidised counselling. Sweetheart, you are NOT alone and life will NOT always be this way. Depression is like a broken fuse lovely, it needs time and attention to put it right but it doesnt have to define the rest of your life if you choose to say no to it. I realy urge you to read ‘Depressive Illness Curse of the Strong’ it really helped me no end xxxx

    1. Thank you Alyson for taking the time to reply. I am taking AD, and am waiting for a call about either upping or chaning them. I have also just finished a 12 week ‘skills’ course where we looked at different aspects of depresison, anxiety, social interaction etc and also at mindfulness. I will be going for a review in a couple of weeks and hope I will be offered one 2 one sessions. I think last night when I wrote the post I was feeling very down and sometimes (even though deep down I know I’m not well) I wonder if I am making it all up. (If that makes sense?). I am one of the lucky ones who has had lots of support from the local CMHT, I am just impatient and want to feel better yesterday not tommorrow!.

      1. I think you are doing really well, you are being proactive about taking care of your mental health and that more than most ever manage – do push hard for the 1 to 1 sessions, they would make a WORLD of difference to you, and Im so glad that you are on it about the medication, you should NOT be feeling so low on the ad’s, they might well need tweaking or changing – I went through 6 different types til I found the right one for me. Just be completely honest at the review and tell them exactly how you are feeling even if it isnt all the time x Keep going lovely, I know it can feel like walking through treacle sometimes but you are doing it and will get through this x

  2. ive been feeling quite similar to you recently, mine was triggeredd by how i am reliant on evveryone else to do sommething/make decisions before i can act. Living in South Africa i cant work, have no access to money other than throough my husband and i hate having to ask all the time, even though he never says no, but still. ive been reliant on his company to decide whether we have to move house or not, an agency to line up house viewings and waiting for info from HR about volunteer work. I was moody, crrying, sleeping all day, snapping at hubby and kids until i decided there are still things i can do for myself during all of this, like get my police clearnace check ready for when the volunteer contact pays off, register interest with house agents, make enquiries to uk based companies for work such as reclocation companies, sponsorship on blogs. I feel much more positive now about being in control of my life even though im still waiting for other to make decisions that affecct my well being

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