In May last year I wrote about wanting a Time Machine to change how TJ was bought into the world, I am still looking so if anyone spots one please give me a shout!
I know by now that I should be over what happened with TJ’s birth and I possibly am, I am not however over the PND and at the moment I am having a big dive back down the dark pit. I want to be able to go back and even if I must have the same birth experience I would like to just cope with it, not have the breakdown that happened and not have shared everything with everyone. I feel like I have given too much of me away to people who know me, and in doing so lost some of my self-respect.
I’ve cried with so many health professionals, Midwives, Health Visitors, Doctors, CPN’s psychiatrists and psychologists and given everything away. I know that’s what I am supposed to do, but at the moment I look back and feel silly and stupid for the things I’ve said and done, I’m trying to figure out why people think I need the support and why I am seen as any different from the next person.
I’ve not had a bad upbringing, there may not have been hugs and ‘I Love Yous’ flying around, but we did have a really nice house and garden, I was able to do many activities and I think I was essentially happy. I don’t have a bad life now, I have 3 healthy children and a husband who (I think) loves me (not sure why though) and a really nice house in a lovely village. So on the face of it I should not need support, or help with my ‘mental health’ I feel like I am taking up precious time of these health professionals when they should be out there supporting the people who have real problems.
It’s hard to explain but my life has been changed forever, and it’s not in either a good or bad way, it’s just been changed. I’ve been exposed to a world I was blissfully unaware of, the world where mental health problems are the norm and talking about your medication and the way you feel is not shied away from. I am not saying this is a bad place to be, but I do wish sometimes that I had not crossed into the world I now live in, it was quite nice to be unaware of how many people are affected by it all. It was also nice to have a normal family life, where we got on with things, I worked, and we had more money. Now I am so acutely aware of how I feel I am constantly on edge that I am feeling worse, that it’s all going down hill even when things are not that bad.
Unfortunately though, even though I don’t want to have to rely on anyone, especially the health professionals, I do need them. I am not coping and I need support to try to find the right path again, to help me feel like I did at the end of the year when I had so much energy and it all seemed to be going away.
I just want to run away and hide until all this is over, to come back when I am back to being ‘me’ and the negative thoughts and self-doubt have gone for good.