I find myself at the moment in a familiar place, its cold, dark, and emotionless. I would love to jump up out of this dark pit, but I don’t seem to have the energy or the capability of doing so. I was very fortunate that after Christmas I saw what it could be like out of the pit, energy and enthusiasm found me and pulled me right out, to feel that passion and drive that seems to have evaded me for so long. It was a lovely feeling, I almost felt able to take on the world.
Like most things though it didn’t last long and energy and enthusiasm upped and left, leaving lethargy and depression to pull me back into the dark pit where I belong. Even though this is such a familiar place I find it so much colder at the moment, that little sneak at what I should and could be like has made this place seem so much worse.
I know I am not back to where it all started, (now that was a very scary place!) but I am in a horrid place that I really don’t want to be. Everything is taking so much more energy, I feel the need to cry (but can’t) and I have lost the ability to be enthusiastic about anything – even a brand new Kindle didn’t manage more than a small smile! With this comes the guilt; guilt that I am not more appreciative of things and life in general, guilt that I seem unable to get better, guilt that I can not keep up with the house and finally guilt that I am not the person I so wish I was.
I have realised by going to my Skills Group, and listening to things we can and can’t change and various other things that one reason I am unhappy is that I don’t like who I am. I am not that mum that keeps the house tidy and ready for visitors, I am not that mum that doesn’t shout, I am not that mum that has the kids friends over for tea all the time. I’m not the perfect wife, tea is rarely on the table, clothes are often not washed, let alone ironed (although mother in law does help), I’m also not being great when it comes to bedroom fun, (it’s actually pretty non existent at the moment!) I am also not the person that can put in many many hours to make something happen, to achieve what I want to achieve. I am not that person that can do exercise and keep myself healthy, even though I have grand ideas of what I should be doing.
I know that this is all unrealistic, that I can’t be someone I am not, but knowing this and being able to change my mind-set is not the same thing, it is so easy to say do this or do that to change your thoughts, but when something is so strongly engraved on your mind its very hard to erase. I’ve always wanted something that I haven’t got, (and not in a material way) I always wanted to be the popular one, the one that everyone wanted to be friends with, even now I feel unhappy if someone doesn’t gel with me and doesn’t see me as a friend.
I know (hope) that one day I will look back on this time in my life as a learning curve, but at the moment I do not relish the learning and would very much like to go back to before all this started and try to do things differently. I hate feeling like this and sometimes I just want to run away, but running from yourself does not work, there is nowhere to run.