A year ago today I started to take Anti D’s for the first time.
I had seen the Dr the day before and I cried when I had got home, in hind sight it was probably that I now knew that I was unable to deal with this alone. I was however still too scared to take them. The information leaflet and information on the web filled me with anxiety that I would be ill, feel sick, tired, dizzy and so on. I also had a fear of getting addicted to them.
I had a great Health Visitor who I happened to ring about something else and she offered to come and have a chat to me about it all. She explained that basically the medication was just like taking any other medication, such as insulin for diabetes, or an inhaler for asthma. She also said that it would help me get better quicker.
I knew then that I had to take them, that really there was no real reason to not take them as I desperately wanted to be better, I also did not want the children suffering anymore than they already had been.
This is what I wrote in my Baby Center Journal, at the time I wanted to keep all this private and the idea of others reading my inner thoughts made me shudder, but now I feel it is time to share those thoughts with the hope that others who read and feel the same will know they are not alone.
September 2nd 2010 – Baby Center Journal
So today I have taken my first Anti D’s, still not sure about the whole thing, but have been told that it’s the best thing to get ‘me’ back quicker. I just hate what I am doing to the family, I just want to go away from everyone, I have made this family so miserable and angry.
DD has gone back to school and I felt sick this morning, I am presuming with the anxiety of doing the school run, which was actually ok, and saw a friend there and had a chat which was nice.
DS is at lunch club and then starts pre-school, so only 1.5hrs till it will just be me and baby. I am being really bad and have just switched TV on for DS and I am sat on the computer.
I just wish I could get away from all the thoughts going round in my head, I feel like they thoughts are getting worse at the moment, and just don’t know what to do. It is good to have somewhere to write this all down though, otherwise I might go completely mad!
I just feel like screaming, with a hope that it will all go away. I hate myself and my life at the moment!!
Re-reading this has made me realise that I am much better than I think I am, I don’t hate myself and life is not too bad, and I feel that things can only get better.