Yesterday I went to see the psychiatrist, only my second visit. I was very anxious about the visit and had been on edge every time I thought about it over the past few days. I’m not sure what I was anxious about, it was just a follow-up appointment after having my meds increased 3 months ago, but then again my anxiety never has any reason.
I was very fidgety when I went in, he had read through my notes from my CPN and knew that things had not been that good, which made things a little easier to talk about. I told him that I had struggled before we went away, but since the holiday things have not been as bad, although I am still getting lots of thoughts of self harm.
I asked about increasing my meds (this is from someone 12 months ago who never wanted to go on meds), but he didn’t feel I would benefit from this and felt that what I needed now was to be with the psychological therapies (which I am on the waiting list for).
He then said that he didn’t feel I needed to see him again, my medication was ok, and I was still being seen by a CPN and could ask to see him again if I felt the need.
I should have been happy, I was being discharged, but when I returned to my car I cried, I was upset and felt lonely and lost and I have no idea why. I felt the need to speak to someone, but didn’t know who I could talk to and who would understand. I later spoke to NJ and I realised that it was possibly because I have not been discharged as I am ‘better’ but because there was nothing else he could do to help and I have just to wait until I get to the top of the list with the therapies.
I felt very down last night, anxious and fed up. I suppose on the one hand I feel ‘better’ I am able to do things and get on with life, but I also know that I am taking medication which is giving me a false feeling of hope and motivation. When I am on my own, with no children about I am at my worse. It gives me time to think about my feelings, about how my life is and where my life is going.
On a quick side note, my life is good at the moment, the kids are mostly happy, TJ is developing well, although she is a handful; climbing, pressing buttons, eating things off the floor etc etc, but generally things are good. NJ and I seem to be getting on well and we have had a good summer holiday away.
However that does not stop me feeling down and rubbish and sometimes want all the thoughts to stop in my head and just move forward. I also know that an increase in my meds would probably not help me, it is going to all be down to me now and how much effort I put into getting better.
One day I will feel right and ‘normal’ and be able to continually enjoy life, one day!