I struggle with the whole depression / PND thing. I struggle with believing and understanding that it is a chemical imbalance in the brain, that it’s not my fault and there is nothing I could do to stop it happening.
I feel responsible that this has happened, that it is MY fault that I am unhappy at times and that I feel unable to do things. I chose to have a 3rd child, NJ was happy with 2, but was also happy to try for a 3rd, but it was me that was the driving force behind it. I know I could not predict that the pregnancy would be filled with stress and worry and that I would end up with a traumatic birth, but I did make the decision to have another child.
I love TJ my youngest (as I do my other 2 children) but it did take a while to get there, now though she is a delight to have, she has started toddling about and shouting and definitely knows her own mind. I wouldn’t want to be without her. There is however that nagging thought at the back of my mind ‘what if’ I hadn’t had a 3rd.
This past week has been a difficult week, there was no significant trigger, I just found myself in a dark place on Wednesday and although things got slightly better through the rest of the week and weekend the thoughts are still there hanging around. This is where I don’t ‘get it’. How can your mind make you have these thoughts, how can it do these things to you and WHY?
My only way of trying to understand is thinking of it like an electrical circuit, where the wires are not quite wired in correctly and they keep not getting together so it keeps breaking. But even then I don’t really understand it.
I am on medication – but is that making it worse? I am waiting for therapy, but there is an 18 month waiting list! I just wish there was a quick fix, but apparently not.
Maybe one day I will actually understand and believe what I have been told about depression, but at the moment my brain is not computing.