Connectors Failing?

Connectors Failing?

I struggle with the whole depression / PND thing. I struggle with believing and understanding that it is a chemical imbalance in the brain, that it’s not my fault and there is nothing I could do to stop it happening.

I feel responsible that this has happened, that it is MY fault that I am unhappy at times and that I feel unable to do things. I chose to have a 3rd child, NJ was happy with 2, but was also happy to try for a 3rd, but it was me that was the driving force behind it. I know I could not predict that the pregnancy would be filled with stress and worry and that I would end up with a traumatic birth, but I did make the decision to have another child.

I love TJ my youngest (as I do my other 2 children) but it did take a while to get there, now though she is a delight to have, she has started toddling about and shouting and definitely knows her own mind. I  wouldn’t want to be without her. There is however that nagging thought at the back of my mind ‘what if’ I hadn’t had a 3rd.

This past week has been a difficult week, there was no significant trigger, I just found myself in a dark place on Wednesday and although things got slightly better through the rest of the week and weekend the thoughts are still there hanging around. This is where I don’t ‘get it’. How can your mind make you have these thoughts, how can it do these things to you and WHY?

My only way of trying to understand is thinking of it like an electrical circuit, where the wires are not quite wired in correctly and they keep not getting together so it keeps breaking. But even then I don’t really understand it.

I am on medication – but is that making it worse? I am waiting for therapy, but there is an 18 month waiting list! I just wish there was a quick fix, but apparently not.

Maybe one day I will actually understand and believe what I have been told about depression, but at the moment my brain is not computing.


9 thoughts on “Connectors Failing?

  1. I totally know where you are coming from. I struggle to ‘work out’ what is happening while still being ‘logical’ about the whole thing. I am in therapy and it is working but it is hard. I hope that you get that call for therapy soon and continue to talk about it all. It helps to write it down, I really believe that. Good luck xXx

    1. Thanks, it really helps to know that people understand me. Sometimes I feel like I am the only one that has these strange thoughts!

      I hope that the therapy continues to work for you.


  2. Hi

    I will do my best here to offer some help, I hope you find it useful.

    I am not 100% clear on your feelings of blame. Is this about you feeling responsible and your fault that you are suffering from PND/depression?

    If it iis what would happen if you could control it, you could decide not to have it? How would that make you feel?

    What if you can do things and it wasn’t your fault, how would things be then?

    What is taking responsibility and blame giving you? Also, what if you hadn’t had a 3rd child, would that be ok? Whose voice is it that is nagging you ??

    There probably is a trigger, you maybe aren’t able to see/know/feel it yet.

    The intention isn’t for me to know the answers to these questions, they are for you.

    Therapy is very useful, personally it depends on the type, NHS therapy can sometimes be fairly structured and inflexible. I offer EFT and NLP which is fantastic with quicker results than usual counselling. I am not sure where you are based, maybe that would be a possibilty for you, if the cost isn’t an issue.

    Medication in my opinion can certainly help, but I am not a health professional. However, if you want something long lasting and to not be on them forever, you will need to address the root cause which i don’t believe medication does.

    Take Care
    Jo x

    1. Thanks for your reply, I know that most of my feelings about responsability are invalid, but its just my mind working overtime. I think the trigger is probably the lead up to a holiday in a few weeks time.

      I have been told that the therapy avaliable in this area is really good, possibly why the waiting list is so long. As money is tight at the moment, private therapy is not an option, but I am seen regularly by a CPN which does help.

      Thanks for taking the time to reply.


  3. I saw the first line of this post on my GReader and it made me do a ‘mental check’ of myself. I’ve been taking meds for PND for a long time….I’ll bob along for ages and then someone will look atme the wrong way and I’ll feel utterly broken for days. I just don’t get it either.This isn’t supposed to be a comment all about me, merely to say that I understand what you are feeling, and you have my support and understanding

    1. Hi,

      Sorry if I triggered anything! Its great to know that other people are the same as me (although not great that you are also suffering!) Sometimes it is just enough to hear other peoples experinces to know you are not alone.

      Thanks for commenting!

      Take Care of yourself. X

  4. Love your analogy is almost spot on – can I recommend a SUPERB book – its called Depression Curse of the Strong – but Tim Cantopher – and it really changed my thinking about depression, and my feelings about it too – very much worth a read. I use the analogy of a broken fuse – it can be running perfectly then it blows and then it just takes a short interlude to get it back up and running again. Thats a hell of a waiting list – most are around 6 months. I know its not cheap – but private counselling should run anything from £35 to £55 a session and ideally you would be looking at 6 sessions – I simply cant express how good it was for me – utterly life changing – Im now med free – have been for over 2 years now – I still have dark days but I bounce back a lot easier and are much less hard on myself too xxx

    1. Will check that book out. Just been lent ‘Eyes without Sparkle’ by Elaine Hanzak, its supposed to be really good too.

      We can’t afford private at the moment, I’m being a SAHM and we are really starting to feel the loss of my salary, even though it wasn’t much. I have been told that the therapy is really good once you get there, I guess that’s why it has such a long waiting list. There are other forms of therapy that don’t have such a waiting list, its just where they are referring me due to the nature of my depression. I do look forward to a time when I can be ‘me’ and drug free.

      Thanks for the comment. X

  5. Ah, hugs coming your way from me. I too suffered from PND, when it came on it came on hard and fast and before you know it I was (literally) hacking my own hair off. I felt that my son was swapped at birth and that I wanted to suffocate him … now he’s sat here hugging me as I type this and we are both brimming with love for each other.
    I think it’s scariest to know that how you feel isn’t ‘right’ but not being able to help feeling like you do.
    As for the waiting lists they are a joke. I tried meds but only for 2 weeks and then I felt it was obvious that they weren’t helping and I substitued running 3 miles a day for them.
    There is light at the end of the tunnel – I promise x

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