I started writing this soon after 28th May, but half term and birthday parties seemed to get in the way, I do want to record the day and how I felt, so this is all about 28th May 2011.
I had been dreading the 28th May 2011 for several months, not knowing how I would be, but expecting that I would find the day very difficult and get upset easily. The birth of TJ can be read here TJ’s Birth which may go some may to explain why I was not looking forward to the day. I also blogged a couple of weeks ago about how I was feeling about the impending day Time to Celebrate?.
The 28th May also happens to be my sister’s birthday, so the day has been a day of note for many years already. This year it was the big 40 for her, so as expected she wanted to celebrate with family and friends. I was unsure whether to go or not, wary of how I would be in myself and with other people who I did not know. We decided that we would go out for lunch to do something for TJ’s actual birthday and then go down to the midlands to celebrate with my sister.
I was feeling strangely calm, I didn’t feel upset or anxious like I was expecting, and the day didn’t seem significant, even though we opened presents for TJ in the morning. NJ said he felt the same, so I wasn’t too concerned. I did have at the back of my mind ‘this time a year ago I was doing…’ but even that did not knock me. We went out for lunch and TJ and the other 2 enjoyed themselves.
As we headed for my sister’s house I did feel a little anxious, noted by NJ as I was starting to fiddle with my bracelet, sometimes I don’t realise that I am doing it until someone points it out. I’m not sure what I was feeling anxious about, possibly the idea of being around lots of people who I didn’t really know, but who would possibly know about me.
When we arrived we helped with sorting out food and decorating and the kids played together, so all was good. I was glad that I had gone as my sister was really pleased that I was there and had made the effort, although she said she would have understood if I hadn’t been able to make it. Things were going ok until my sisters in laws turned up, for some reason her mother in law decided to start asking me about TJ’s birth, saying ‘it was a section wasn’t it?’ and ‘there were some problems’. This was all out of the blue, and across a room, I was feeling a little uneasy. Luckily NJ came to my rescue and gave me an excuse to leave the room. The rest of the evening was fairly ok, I struggled a bit when lots of people turned up at the same time, and people trying to talk to me who I didn’t know and didn’t feel the need to talk back to them (but I was polite!)
We had aimed to leave about 7ish, but as always this didn’t happen and it was 8pm before we finally said all our goodbye’s and headed home. TJ fell asleep fairly quickly, but the older two were still awake at 9.30 when we arrive home. We quickly got them to bed and then sat down for a rest.
NJ and I didn’t really speak about the significance of the day until we got to bed and then we talked a little about the day and how it had made us feel, but both of us felt the same in that we felt fairly indifferent to the whole event. We weren’t upset or down about the day, but also it hadn’t felt like a celebration either.
So the 28th May 2011 did not pan out as I had expected, there were no tears, there were no flashbacks, and only a small bit of anxiety. I know that I still need to revisit what happened on 28th May 2010, and be able to lay it all to rest and put it all behind me. I am glad though that the day went well and her party on 30th May 2011 went well too and she and everyone else seemed to enjoy themselves.