From the outside, I probably look like I have the perfect life. I have got a few good friends, which means I am no longer the loner in the school playground (very important!), we have a nice house, 2 cars (one of which was new last year), 3 great children (from the outside) and I am a SAHM.
Walk inside the house and you see a very different story, toys strewn everywhere, baby clothes on the floor that should be in the washing basket, the kitchen looks like a tip and you can’t actually see the dining room table! I won’t even mention the other areas, they are all the same, and as soon as one area is clear another looks a complete mess again.
I seem to have this inability to have a tidy home, and yes I do have 3 children and a husband to look after (yes he does need looking after!), but at the moment my job is to be a housewife and mother, which means it is my job to keep the house tidy, get clothes washed, make meals and keep the children happy. I seem to be failing at all of these at the moment.
When the house is tidy and organised I feel calmer and more in control, but this week I seem to have lost all motivation to do anything. Yes I am tired, so that is some of the issue, but TJ is now a year and I have been on my current medication since October / November 2010 (with an increase a few weeks ago) so in my mind I should be managing well, not having this silly blip that seems to be happening.
This week I have made a decision about my immediate future, I am going to start doing a bit of work, I felt that it would be good for me and also good for our finances. I have decide to take on being a party plan organiser for a large company (I will blog about it later when I have actually made the final leap). But this in itself seems to have knocked me back, half of this week I have suffered with bad anxiety during the day and on an evening. It’s not stopped me doing what needs to be done, it just sets me thinking how I ended up in this position in the first place.
I still need to learn how to move forward, something I hope will come with time and with counselling. That doesn’t however help me at the present time, when I am neglecting my kids, allowing them to spend hours watching the TV and films, and worse not interacting with them. Today I struggled to make them their tea, I just didn’t have the motivation – I would have loved to have just given them a sandwich, but I’m sure that would have been met (quite rightly) with moans and TJ the youngest needed something more. I did make them their tea, so in theory I should be pleased with myself, but for me it’s just not good enough, I should be more organised and proactive with the house, cooking and kids.
So that is me at the moment – I do hope that at some point in the future I can look back at this blog and see that I have improved and am managing life much better.