Yesterday I had an appointment with a psychiatrist, first time with this particular Dr after seeing 2 others whilst with the crisis team.
As expected I was extremely nervous / anxious before and during the appointment. The appointment had been made to have a review of my medication and to see ‘where we go from here’. My CPN had gone through with me things that the Dr might want to know or talk about, but I still didn’t know for sure what would be asked and what he would be like. I am not good with the unknown, never have been, but now in my current state unknown is really not good.
He started off by asking about why the birth had been traumatic, already I was struggling to get my words out, no idea why but didn’t really want to talk about it and maybe some of me feels that its gone and passed and I shouldn’t still be dwelling on it and that’s how others will view it too. He then went over other stuff, my past, the way I was brought up, but never delved too deeply. It was still however hard work, I still find it hard to understand why talking about emotions and issues is so tiring.
He wanted to know where I saw myself on the ‘happy / normal’ scale where 0 was when I was with the crisis team and 100 was when I have been at my happiest. I find these sorts of questions really hard, I worry that I will say the wrong thing, that I feel better than I am or that I say I am worse than I am and make life harder for myself. He pushed me though and I said maybe 50 – 75 and he seemed ok with that. He actually later said that I was probably about 50.
Before the appointment I had hoped that I would be able to get some reduction on my medication, I think I saw that as an indication that things were getting better and I would be moving on as the saying goes. Unfortunately the Dr did not see it like that and felt that I was still not right and as I was on the lowest dose of this medication he wanted to double the amount, keep my other medication the same and also referer me to psychotherapy (something like that anyway). At the same time he also told me to expect to be on the medication for at least 2-2.5 years.
This knocked me, I struggled with that information, makes me feel worse than maybe I am, I don’t want to have drugs for that long but I do want to get back to ‘normal’. It was my decision, (apparently) as it always is, even though I didn’t want to increase the meds, I knew / know it is the right thing to do, so agreed and have to go back and see him in 3 months time.
After the appointment things were not too bad till the kids were in bed and NJ was back home. Then my mind just seemed to go, I was clumsy and jittery and just generally did not feel right. There were things that needed to be done, like the Sainsbury online shop, and tidying and making tea, and chocolate to be consumed! NJ told me at one point to go and sit down, I think he was worried that I might drop / spill / knock something over! The evening passed without any spills and I even indulged in a glass of red wine! Red wine and chocolate = heaven!!
Today I am still struggling, my mind feels ‘wrong’ but I have managed to do some things, I emptied and filled the dishwasher and I’ve taken FJ & TJ to toddlers. Now we are home and the tidying beckons. All I really want to do is sleep and wake up when my brain is better and life is not quite so complicated.