Should I be celebrating?
In 9 days time my very cute, cheeky and lovable youngest will turn 1, it is a time when I should be celebrating that she has reached her year milestone. I should be getting excited about having a party and sharing in the joy with lots of other people, the same way that I did with AJ & FJ. I am doing the getting ready for a party but the day will most likely be tinged with apprehension and fear of what happened on that day 12 months ago.
You can read my birth story here Birth Story for TJ, where you will possibly understand why I am apprehensive about the day.
The way in which TJ was brought into this world was the way I had always feared, and unfortunately it triggered something in me which has now changed my life forever. I am no longer innocent to mental health problems, I am no longer able to just get on with life unaware what was starting to break inside my brain. I am still struggling with PND and the constant fear that things might get as bad as they did in October last year.
From the outside I have 3 lovely children, all behave wonderfully (apparently!) and all are healthy. So in theory I should have nothing to be depressed, stressed or anxious about… Unfortunately mental health doesn’t work like that, it is completely random and can strike anyone down at anytime. Even now almost 12 months on and things are much easier I still struggle some days with menial tasks of feeding the kids decent food and getting them bathed and into bed at a sensible time.
Whilst things have been and still are difficult I have learnt many things about myself and also about mental illness, so I suppose I should be celebrating that fact, instead of dwelling on the bad I need to pick out the good points and celebrate them. I have also started to talk more one of my sisters, another thing to be pleased about. But these are not things that I will want to have celebrated with the mass at a party for my youngest, these are things that I need to celebrate in my own way.
I am slowly discovering that I do love all my children very much, and however bad and naughty they are, and however much I shout at them I would not be without them. TJ will always be special to me in that her entry to the world has given me a different view on life and hopefully in the long-term the journey will make me stronger.
So in answer to my question to myself, YES it is time to celebrate, TJ has made it to a year seemingly unscathed by the whole process and I am also still here, and the family is still together.