I wrote about the birth of TJ in my journal on Baby Center a month after her birth, so hope that it makes sense, I don’t feel able to re-write it at the moment and don’t wish to put myself through it all again, but hope that it will help others understand what happened and why I am where I am now.
BS for baby no 3! – 25/06/10
After having 2 normal, if a little quick, deliveries I was expecting the same with no 3, unfortunately that is not what happened. So I am thinking that if I write things down it might help with the process of coming to terms with what happened.
I was under consultant care due to GD and baby being small, after our scan at 36 weeks we were told that as baby’s weight seemed to be tailing off I would be induced at 37/38 weeks. I wasn’t best pleased but knew I had to do what was best for the baby. After being monitored for a few days all seemed ok, but at the following weeks appointment I was booked in for an induction the week late, so I would be 38+2.
Went to hospital Friday 28th for 8.00am for induction as planned, but were told on arrival that it was very unlikely that I would be induced today as they were too busy on the labour ward. Not happy as had spent the last week worrying about it anyway! (I wasn’t the only one told this) Anyway they monitored me for 30 mins and all was ok and then she said the Dr would have a chat and decide on the plan. Dr arrived (eventually) and said that due to the diabetes and size of baby they wanted to keep me in and hoped that an opportunity to induce me would come up in a few hours.
I think it was about 10ish by now and so we went for a walk outside and checked where hubby could get some food. I got fed about midday and then possibly about 2ish the midwife said it was good news all 3 of us waiting were going to get induced, so I had an examination and a pessary put in and then monitored for an hour (Very boring!!) and then I was allowed to go about as I pleased, so hubby and I had a walk about etc had tea.
About 8ish I started to get reg contractions, but they seemed to be coming very quick and were very painful. As I have had 2 quick births I was concerned but Midwife was also dealing with other mums to be so I wasn’t seen for a while. When she eventually did see me I was only 2-3cms I was not chuffed as the contractions seem horrendous! She wanted to monitor me to see how baby was doing but I found it too uncomfortable to be on the bed so was stood for a while, but baby kept moving so I had to try to sit and half lie, all the time my contractions seemed to be getting worse, much worse than I have experienced with the other 2. I was convinced I must be fully dilated and started to think I needed to push. I don’t think I was being the best patient at the time shouting that it hurt etc etc!
Midwife came and did another exam and said I was only 5-6 I wasn’t happy, she wasn’t happy that she didn’t have a good trace of baby’s heart beat, then all of a sudden she said don’t panic but I’m going to pull this cord to get another midwife as I not managing to get the heartbeat very well. Suddenly we are surrounded by several people and people putting stuff on the bed and when I ask what’s it for the midwife said we need to prepare you for theatre just in case!! So I start worrying, then this big black guy appears and he just says right straight to theatre! So I am wheeled to theatre and I just remember DH not being allowed in and I was asking questions and everyone was moving very quickly around me, I also remember this guy in jeans and a shirt running in that wasn’t in scrubs – (DH said he didn’t think he had any shoes on either!) and then put an oxygen mask on me. This big black guy was examining me and saying he wanted to break my waters. I was moved onto the operating table and then the guy in the shirt must have been the anesthetist as he put another mask over me and said right count from 1-20, I think I got to 7. The next thing I know I am coming round and being told that it’s all over and I have a baby. They wouldn’t tell me what I had as DH wanted to tell me.
It all happened so quick and we weren’t told what was happening, but to be honest I know that was the way it had to be, the thing I am struggling to come to terms with is not seeing her as soon as she was born and because of the GA not really being with it for the next 12 hours.
I am still struggling to bond with her like I did with the other 2, it just feels different and I know it shouldn’t.
When I was pg I always said my worst nightmare would be to have a CS and not only did that happen it was a crash section too. I know time is a great healer, but I just wish I could go back and say no to the induction and then maybe I would have got the birth I wanted.