I am currently looking for a time machine, so if anyone finds one please send it my way!
I’m not looking to change the world, or change things in history (well not exactly) I would just like to go back 1 year to May 2010 and say NO when they say I need to be induced, ignore their suggestions that baby was not growing and it could be born undernourished. If I had said ‘NO’, then I would not have spent the past 12 months trying to come to terms with a difficult birth and subsequent PND that I am still trying to beat.
I like to think that I am kind of intelligent and know that the time machine does not exist and therefore I have to deal with what happened and ‘move on’ as some people will say. But wouldn’t it be good if they did, all those mistakes that have been made could be changed and made good! I suppose though that brings in a whole new set of questions and moral dilemmas, which isn’t what this is about. It’s just about me wanting to change the way TJ was brought into this world.
I spent the first few months of her life almost in denial that she was here, that she was actually mine. Of course I knew she was mine, but I do remember I often sat in the living room and she was over the other side of the room in her baby chair and all I wanted was for her to sleep. Don’t get me wrong, she was well looked after, I fed and changed her as necessary but I wasn’t into cuddles or anything. I then spent the next few months in a bit of a daze as my PND really took hold but was constantly paranoid that TJ and the other 2 would be scared for life as their mother was a fruit nut! I was also constantly worried that I wasn’t stimulating TJ enough. The HV, CPN’s and NN all went out of their way to say that they would be fine and that TJ would not suffer due to how I was being as I was still caring for her and the other 2.
Over the last couple of months things have slowly started to improve, so much so that I felt that I was finally on the mend. How wrong could I be! Easter was mostly good, NJ was off for the second week so we took full advantage of the good weather and had days out, walks around the village and walks to the swing park (not forgetting to get some sweets on the way!) We even managed to do some decorating in the living room (only taken us 5 years!), so all seemed good. The kids went back to school on Tuesday and all seemed ok, then Wednesday came and AJ was a nightmare going to the Drs and from then everything seemed difficult and the thoughts of self harm crept back in.
Now I know that there is a lot happening over the next few weeks, AJ’s party and then birthday, then TJ’s birthday and party so I was always going to find things hard. But I fed up with it being hard, having to use self-control not to self harm is tiring, when sometimes I would like the easy way of dealing with the stress of it all.
So this is why I would like a time machine, not to change TJ but to change the way she was brought into the world so that she could have a semi normal mummy, and not the fruit cake that I have become!