Today is not going well.
I have been feeling quite good over the last couple of weeks and starting to feel more like ‘me’. Unfortunately TJ has got a cold and has woken up and needed feeding for the last 3 nights in a row and FJ is just being difficult ALL the time. This is starting to tip me back over the edge, I can feel the unwelcome thoughts creeping back in, the feelings of being a useless mother and just wanting to crawl back to bed. Maybe that last one is more to do with the lack of sleep than the PND who knows?
I have spoken to the Health Visiting team and the nursery nurse is coming out on Thursday to help with some ideas of what we can try to do with FJ. I hate that I am not able to cope with my own child, what have I done wrong along the way to make him be like this? The only saving grace is that he is good when he is at pre-school and they never have a problem with him, so maybe I have done something right!
When things get like this I just want to start all over again, but do it right this time. Although as I don’t know where I went wrong, I wouldn’t know what to change. Maybe my depression has been there for so long I’ve not seen the mistakes I have made along the way. Do other people feel like this? Does everyone feel stupid and embarrassed by their mistakes and wish it would all go away?
When I used to do essays and projects at school I would start things several times as it never seemed neat enough to begin with, so anything I wasn’t happy with would go in the bin and I could start again. I suppose that is what I am wanting to do now, hide the mistakes and start again, but with a child you can’t do that, you can’t start the parenting again, you just have to continue and try to make it neater as you go along.
I will beat this stupid illness and I will come out the other side, although maybe it’s not the illness it’s just that I am to self-critical and need something to blame on my own inability to do things right.
I have a friend coming round for coffee this afternoon, so maybe chocolate cake (made by NJ) and a natter will make the day seem better?