Today is not going well.

I have been feeling quite good over the last couple of weeks and starting to feel more like ‘me’. Unfortunately TJ has got a cold and has woken up and needed feeding for the last 3 nights in a row and FJ is just being difficult ALL the time. This is starting to tip me back over the edge, I can feel the unwelcome thoughts creeping back in, the feelings of being a useless mother and just wanting to crawl back to bed. Maybe that last one is more to do with the lack of sleep than the PND who knows?

I have spoken to the Health Visiting team and the nursery nurse is coming out on Thursday to help with some ideas of what we can try to do with FJ. I hate that I am not able to cope with my own child, what have I done wrong along the way to make him be like this? The only saving grace is that he is good when he is at pre-school and they never have a problem with him, so maybe I have done something right!

When things get like this I just want to start all over again, but do it right this time. Although as I don’t know where I went wrong, I wouldn’t know what to change. Maybe my depression has been there for so long I’ve not seen the mistakes I have made along the way. Do other people feel like this? Does everyone feel stupid and embarrassed by their mistakes and wish it would all go away?

When I used to do essays and projects at school I would start things several times as it never seemed neat enough to begin with, so anything I wasn’t happy with would go in the bin and I could start again. I suppose that is what I am wanting to do now, hide the mistakes and start again, but with a child you can’t do that, you can’t start the parenting again, you just have to continue and try to make it neater as you go along.

I will beat this stupid illness and I will come out the other side, although maybe it’s not the illness it’s just that I am to self-critical and need something to blame on my own inability to do things right.

I have a friend coming round for coffee this afternoon, so maybe chocolate cake (made by NJ) and a natter will make the day seem better?


7 thoughts on “Struggling

  1. One of my favorite quotes is, “Never regret. If it’s good, it’s wonderful. If it’s bad, it’s experience.”.

    No parent is perfect. We are only human. I yelled at my son the other day over something really silly. I felt terrible, wished I could have taken it back, but of course, once it’s said, it’s said. So I took a deep breath, apologised for shouting, gave him a cuddle and then tried to be a bit extra attentive for the rest of the afternoon.

    I really think that’s all you can do. Apologize if you need to and then try to do better in future.

    Have fun with your friend. I’m pretty sure chocolate cake makes most things at least 50% better 🙂

  2. You have so much insight in your own problem, you will definetely see the light again. Perfectionism can be a terrible burden, but if you know what the problem is, you can fight it.
    You may find my thoughts on depression interesting – look under Diary of a depression fighter at

  3. As a parent of three who are 16, 20 and 21 I can look back over the years of trials and tribulations and feelings like those you describe and tell you that its all absolutely normal and fine and healthy. You don’t have to be perfect, you don’t have to be good, just good enough. And admit your mistakes to them and apologise just like you would expect them to do to you?

    1. Thanks for your comments, its good to know I am ‘normal’! I hope in 15yrs time I can look back and know that they have come out ok and all this is quite normal.

  4. My heart goes out to you. They are very much their own little people, but what I find is that when I am stressed or tired, he picks up on it and presses buttons, or things that I manage OK most of the time, suddenly presses a button and I don’t manage. It’s not about not coping with your own child or doing something wrong. His behaviour at pre-school shows he can be fine. I hope you take some positives from these comments, take a deep breath, give yourself a break – you are doing great, we all have times when we spiral a bit downwards, but to top again, is not too far. Hang in there.

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