Feeling Lost

Feeling Lost

I’m feeling in a strange place at the moment, last week was better than it had been for a while, I had very little anxiety and even managed a trip to Meadow Hall and had a lovely time with a friend. However since Sunday I have got my anxiety back, and also my bad thoughts in my head. These thoughts of self harm are starting to take over again and I also am thinking constantly how am I feeling?

I just feel a little lost at the moment, how do I feel? Am I depressed? Have I got anxiety? why does my head keep questioning how I feel? How can I appear ok on the front but inside I just want to scream? Some of me wants to keep all this to myself, so I can ‘appear’ to be getting better and then maybe I can move on from what has happened, but then the sensible side of me says ‘you must talk’. I am fed up of talking, I’m sure everyone is getting a bit tired of me always talking about how I am feeling, constantly up and down. I suppose that is why I have created this blog, I can talk to everyone and no one and if you don’t like what you are reading you can walk away and I will be none the wiser!

Yesterday even though I was struggling with my thoughts I managed to sort out my kitchen, moved stuff about and cleared the work tops, I am just hoping that I can keep it tidy now! Just the rest of the house to work on, will start with the dinning room, although that’s the place that seems to collect the most junk!

Maybe tomorrow things will being to seem a little clearer?

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6 thoughts on “Feeling Lost

  1. I’ve had PND and still have clinicla depression, not all the time mind it comes and goes. And yes I do think the sound of my own voice is boring.
    Tidying up and clearing a way helps bring things into order when you feel most confused and definitley disorderly. Think of it as therapy not a means to an end as you will be forever clearing and tidying. Tell your other half about the need for order so he understands why even the tiniest thing out of place at a particular time sets your bllod pressure boiling.
    Take care.

  2. You are so not alone. Please know that and that you help not only yourself but others too by sharing how you feel.
    I talk in some of my earlier posts on my blog about my PND although to be fair I think depression for me is always lurking waiting to catch me out.
    Remember you are sensitive and intelligent (both good things) and also that depression is physical and you would not beat up a person with a broken leg so lighten up on yourself a bit too. Good to know you a little now and hope to hear more from you

    1. Hi Kate,
      Thanks for your message, it is so strange to feel supported with just a few comments from other people, to know that there are so many others going through the same thing is comforting in a strange way.

      I will look up your blog and try and follow (if I can get myself sorted!)

      Thanks again for the message.

  3. Hi, I’ve followed your blogs on BC and will be following them here too! I first read about you last November and I’ve been thinking of you a lot since then, hoping you’re on the road to recovery. I’ve had a horrible year of PND too and can relate to you a lot. I’m seeing a psychiatrist at the moment and he’s helping a lot so far, as is putting my feelings into words, either written or spoken (but I prefer written!) I hope things start looking up soon for you too and will be keeping an eye out for you. If it helps you can direct all your rants at me cos you’ll know I’ll always be reading 🙂 All the best.

    1. Hi Helen, I can’t believe that anyone had really been following me, didn’t know that anyone would be interested in my weird ramblings! Sounds like you have got some good support with your psychiatrist, I am not so sure on my support at the moment as between my GP (well nurse practitioner) and my CPN I feel like no one wants to actually help with what is going on in my mind! Do you have a blog, or do you just write on BC? (need to try and work out your BC name now!)

      Thanks for the message.

  4. My BC name is Arxsabriel and at the moment although I have a wordpress page I’ve yet to upload anything! I write into a physical journal and then copy it onto my laptop. Then I might put it on BC. But it takes so long to type stuff from my diary that my BC entries are about a month behind! 😀

    I know what you mean about lack of support from you GP. I have the same problem, I felt that all they wanted to do was put me on some pills to make it all better and get rid of me but I know my problems are a lot deeper than that and stem from childhood which is why my psychiatrist is such a massive help. Maybe some form of counselling is worth considering for yourself?

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