It’s been 4 very long and very hard years since I was first diagnosed with depression and anxiety, at the time I thought if I took the pills they offered within a couple of months I would be back to ‘normal’, how wrong I was!
I have had some good times, with my mood appearing to improve for short spaces of time, but it never seemed to last. It has possibly not been helped by my very strong desire to come off medication, convinced that it was making me worse. Unfortunately instead of things improving this year that have just gone from bad to worse, and after a stay in hospital, (in March this year) I just haven’t been able to secure my footing on life.
I’ve got lots of input from services, CPN, Psychiatrist, PALS (Fitness), Pathways (Group Sessions) and also the help of family and friends. But unfortunately nothing seems to be working, I can’t seem to motivate myself, I can’t seem to see anything positive in life, and even though I am doing things, I am just going through the motions.
Because of all this I have forgotten who I am, I’ve forgotten what I used to be like, I don’t know what has always been me and what is me from the illness. I know I will never be ‘the me’ I once was, but I don’t even recognise myself these days. I struggle to remember what is happening in friends and family’s life, and therefore I am not usually there for them when they need support. I struggle to plan anything, and lists just make me anxious. I used to like lists and being organised, but it just isn’t happening at the moment.
How can anyone actually like me, when I don’t like myself, when I don’t even know who I am. I know I used to be fairly confident, and had some self belief, but now all that has gone. I find it very hard to believe that anyone really needs me as a friend, but I think I have always thought that. I guess I have never felt good enough for anyone to want to be friends with me.
My life has become a very small place, with me doing very little, and I know that the more I do the better I should feel, and I am trying, but actually it is not always that easy, and even though I have been doing things in recent weeks, apart from a very small flicker of light, I haven’t seen any improvement.
How do I get ‘me’ back? How do I find things to enjoy, how do I wean myself off playing on the iPad & iPhone and stop watching films throughout the day? A lot of people say be kind to yourself, take time to get better, do things that make you happy, but I don’t do anything all day for anyone but me. And it’s getting easier and easier to do nothing, and the feelings of guilt are just floating away. I’m not sure if that’s good or not, personally I think it’s not a good thing.
Then everything comes back to the same place, the same thoughts, the same gremlins, eating away at my mind. The gremlins that set my mind on the negative path of self destruction, the thoughts of not wanting to be here start getting stronger. I know I won’t give into the gremlins, but it’s tiring having a constant fight in your own mind.
I am hoping that one day I will get better, I will be able to function better, and I will start to find ‘me’ again.