Parenting?

I have concluded that I am not actually ill, I am just a rubbish parent! If I was ill, the medication I am taking (and that  has been increased on a few occasions) would be working and keeping me level constantly. However, what I now find is that during term time I can cope and manage and life ticks over okay, then come the holidays, when I am alone with all 3 children I can not cope, I have no control over the children and they have no respect for me. This is not an illness, this is someone who can not parent, someone who should not have become a parent. I feel guilty that I am not giving my children the up bringing that they deserve, I am not giving them guidance and the only time I seem to interact with them I am being negative.

I struggle to accept that feeling down, no energy, lacking emotions etc can be categorised as an illness, I accept more that it is in my nature, I was born like this and I am just lazy and can not cope with children or anyone who does not do as I ask. I had a normal upbringing, lived in a middle class town, had friends, went to university, got a job, got married had kids, nothing special, nothing out of the ordinary so no reason to feel down and out.

But I do feel down, I am struggling, struggling with my thoughts and how I am interacting with my children. If I was ill, after almost 2 years surely I would feel better more positive, not crumble at every harsh hurdle, not struggle with my 3 children that I chose to have. I have no one to blame but myself for the way I feel right now, I have created my children, I have molded how they behave, as people always say ‘children learn by example’ and as I am often shouting at my children and not interacting with them it is no surprise that I often find myself on the other side with the child shouting at me and refusing to do anything I ask them to do.

If right now I could make a choice about how to spend the next few days, without any consequences financially of emotionally, I would take myself off somewhere to sleep, read and just be alone, just me, no interaction with anyone, no children and no housework.  Unfortunately I live in this real world, it is the school holidays and we have no extra money for niceties, so today I will get on as normal, we will have breakfast, we will meet up with friends and I will smile and chat and be full of life. I will get through the day, as I always do, and think that there are only 4 more weeks of the holiday’s left and I then things will get back to normal.

Then I feel unhappy that I feel this way, I wanted children, I wanted to be a stay at home mum, but I seem unable to enjoy it, I seem unable to parent and give my children what they need and deserve.

All I can hope is that one day I will learn to enjoy what I have been given and except life as it is.

Seasons

S is for Seasons

I love the seasons in the UK, we get to see so much change almost every three months.

Spring sees the start of the new life, the flowers starting to grow and flower with the daffodils and crocuses, trees starting to bud and then blossom on them.

Image: graur codrin / FreeDigitalPhotos.net

In summer our gardens are an array of colours with all the flowers and trees full of leaves.

Image: Tina Phillips / FreeDigitalPhotos.net

Autumn is great with the trees changing colour to orange, red and brown and when you see them from a distance it is such an array of colours.

Image: koratmember / FreeDigitalPhotos.net

Winter, even though it is fairly barren on the flower and tree front the crispy sparkly mornings and then thick white snow are such an amazing thing to see.

Image: dan / FreeDigitalPhotos.net

H is for Holiday

Image: Liz Noffsinger / FreeDigitalPhotos.net

H is for Holiday

When I think of holidays I always imagine a white beach with clear blue sea, the air is warm and the atmosphere is calm and quiet. This is just a dream as I have never been privileged to holiday in this environment, I have had a few holidays abroad, but most holidays have been in the UK.

As a child I always had a two-week holiday in the summer, we went the first two weeks in July as most other schools were not off then, but Leicestershire was different and it meant it was cheaper for my parents, we holidayed under canvas untill I was 11 or 12, and the we progressed to cottages. I think I had my last holiday with my parents when I was 17, my sisters were no longer holidaying with us and I think I found it quite lonely that year.

Whilst I was at University I never went on a summer holiday as I always worked throughout the summer to try to get some money together, and I guess life was fairly laid back when I was at Uni that I would never have contemplated a holiday anyway, (and funds would never have allowed!).

When I left Uni and moved in with NJ we didn’t actually have a holiday until our Honeymoon, but from then on we have always made sure we have had at least a few days away, and since having children we have had a summer holiday every year either 1 or 2 weeks away, mostly in the UK, but we have had a couple abroad.

For me holidays are important, they are a time away from your normal life, before mobile phones, it was also a break from contact with others (now I would feel lost without my phone!). When I worked it was a welcome break from the stress of the office environment and also the daily routine of alarm off, get up etc etc. Now that I am not at work it is a welcome break from the normal household chores, a chance to share the childcare and cooking and the organisation that being part of a family entails.

The best thing about holidays though is spending time with the family, just the immediate family, husband and kids, no friends or in-laws, or parents. We do have short breaks with friends and in-laws, but my summer holiday is mine to share with NJ and the kids. We get the chance to relax the rules on bedtime, on mealtimes and we get the chance to just be together and have some fun.

One day I will get to lie on that golden beach, but I know that I will have to wait and so until then I will continue to enjoy my holidays, which are now under canvas and enjoy seeing my children enjoy their summers.

What do you think about when you think of holidays?

C is for Camping

I was torn on the letter C for the A to Z blogging challenge, Children (I have 3 to talk about), Cats, Chocolate (I am rather partial to Cadbury’s Chocolate), Countryside or Camping? Whilst I can become somewhat addicted to Chocolate I also know it’s not great for me so whilst I am being positive it has to be Camping so;

C is for Camping.

As a child summer holidays were spent camping, and my memories are from age 5-10 where we went back to the same campsite in Anglesey, North Wales. The site was very basic, just toilets and showers and somewhere to freeze your ice blocks, and all those years ago EHU was not something that those camping under canvas would have. We camped in a big field, usually as far away from the toilets as possible, and usually as far away from other campers aswell. I have very fond memories of my camping holidays, days spent on the beach and walks through the countryside and then having barbecues for tea. I know that I am viewing this through rose-tinted glasses and there will have been times when I would have argued with my sisters (and my mum & dad), but for me they were great holidays.

As a new family unit we went on our first camping trip last July / August and had a great time. The weather was kind to us (which I think helps), but it was just so relaxing. The children could run around outside whenever they wanted, with no worries of cars and, unlike being in a static caravan (our previous holidays) we were most definitely outside for as long as possible. We are gearing up for our firstcamping holiday of the year at the beginning of June with another family and I can’t wait to just get there and be able to relax and watch all the kids play. We still need to find acampsite for our summer holiday, but I think we will be ok not booking for another couple of weeks.

Are you a camper? Or is the idea of sleeping in a field just too much to consider?