3 Years On

Next week TJ turns 3, and 3 years ago I was still innocent to the effects of  mental health and names of different antidepressants, even though I’d had a brush with depression at university I had never discussed it with anyone and so it was still just inside my head.

My pregnancy was not as straight forward as the previous 2, and the birth was definitely not, you can read about it here, but briefly I had always dreaded having a c-section, and not only did I end up with a section I was knocked out with a general aesthetic, and spent the next 24hrs feeling quite out of it. I struggled to bond with TJ and I seemed to spend most of my time crying but I was given help after a very sympathetic midwife at the hospital (I had to have a blood test due to gestational diabetes) listened to how I felt and she relayed her concerns (with my consent) to my health visitor.

I denied that I could have depression, I was adamant that I was just struggling to come to terms with TJ’s birth (who for the first few months I kept calling ‘the baby’), I was given extra support from the health visiting team and I was also referred to a counsellor, but by the time our family holiday came round I realised that I was suffering from PND, it took NJ mentioning it, for me to actually vocalise it.

At the beginning of September 2010 I started taking antidepressants (fluoxetine) within a couple of weeks it was clear things were not good and suddenly I had been referred to the  crisis team, a change of meds and things began to settle down. Over the next 2.5 years although my mood and ability has gone up and down, and I’ve had meds changed up and down, I have felt (looking back) that life was bobbing along okay.

Then came March / April 2013 and I find myself in the familiar hands of the crisis team (now called the intensive home based treatment team), they are trying to sort out my medication, which I am not entirely convinced about at the moment, but NJ has convinced me that I have to try what the professionals are suggesting.

I go from feeling calm and happy at times to racked with guilt for being ‘ill’, to full of anxiety and then thoughts of wanting to self harm. I have so far managed 3 or 4 weeks without cutting, but tonight the urges have been incredibly strong, I’m not too sure how I’ve managed to stay safe.

From my point of view I have nothing tangible to be unhappy about, from the outside everything must seem great, big house, nice family, 2 cars, I’m a SAHM, but inside I’m not right and I no longer know why. When I was first ill I could identify with the difficult birth and pregnancy, now there is nothing to identify with. I have spoken to so many people over the last 3 years that all the reasons I thought were why I was / am the way I am, that I have realised none of these are real anymore. I am me, and somehow I have to learn how to live with being me, I have to learn to like me, and possibly love me (although that may be stretching it a bit far!).

I am worried that my current medication is sedating me too much to feel anything, I have been given a lifeline from my daughters preschool and she is going there nearly full time, which gives me the space I need, but more importantly the attention she needs and she is loving it there. I just no longer know how to live properly and I no longer know what it is that I want.

People on the outside will say that I am doing okay as I am functioning, I get dressed everyday and get the kids to school, they are always fed, clean and dressed (okay not so clean at the end of the day, but that’s good right?) and 9 times out of 10 are where they need to be on time. Unfortunately no one can see inside my head, they don’t see the constant thoughts of self harm, the constant thoughts of being unworthy of what I have, the constant thoughts of being an inadequate mother, and I could go on but I think you will probably get the idea.

So that is me, 3 years on, I am now an old hand at reading and hearing about mental health, a conversation that contains talk of suicide and or self harm is often the norm, and I currently seem to be living in a slightly different world to the one I was in 3 years ago.

Today – 8th April 2013

Once again I find myself sat at the computer whilst all 3 children are playing on electrical items, iPhone, iPod and DSi. I am acutely aware how bad this type of parenting is, and doing it seems to make my anxiety and depression worse, but I am also finding it difficult to actually interact with the children and just want my own space. In a slight change to the norm I am not playing a game on the computer, purely because I am waiting for others to help me to the next level, but at least I am attempting to write a post, which may or may not make me feel slightly better / more normal.

It is the second week of the Easter holidays and AJ is back from spending a week away with her best friend, it seems no different her being here, than when she was away, I think I was so spaced out and anxious last week that I didn’t miss her as much as I might have done had I been well. The next 3 days are planned, they are out with their grandparents and then 2 days of meeting with friends, so hopefully they won’t be having as much time on the electronics!

I have so much I should be doing, tidying, cleaning, ironing the mountain that has gradually grown from a mole hill in the corner of my living room, interacting with the children, making meals and even spending time on my business! But I can’t summon up the motivation to do any of them, and wish I could just be alone. I will have to tackle the mountain at some point as everyone’s wardrobes are becoming very empty, and ironing as and when things are needed becomes stressful in itself.

Over the last couple of weeks my anxiety / depression has almost got to crisis point again, my anxiety felt like I was back when I was first diagnosed with PND, shaky, heart pounding and feeling sick and I had / have succumbed to self harming again. All the health professionals are aware and even NJ is aware this time and is being really supportive (although there were a few disapproving conversations to begin with). They have reduced my medication until I can see the psychiatrist and given me some Diazepam to help with the anxiety. It seemed to help over the weekend after taking just 2, but I don’t want to be reliant on them. I feel edgy / anxious again today but will hopefully manage it on my own.

My newest dilemma is if I should speak to the kids (AJ at least) about my depression and anxiety, at almost 10 I think she should know that I’m not well, but I’m not sure how I would approach it and what the best thing to say would be. Any experience / thoughts from others would be great.

My day will continue no doubt with the kids watching TV / a film, playing on the electronic toys and me sitting at the computer. I hope that one day I will progress and start to feel more ‘normal’ again.

On my Shoulder

Sitting on my right shoulder is my gremlin, and each day he seems to be getting bigger as he shouts his negative thoughts at me, egging me on to feel down, fed up and rubbish. On my left shoulder is my positive thoughts (I have no image of what this looks like!) but it seems to be getting smaller, losing its strength as the gremlin gains his.

I no longer know what is me, what is my medication and what is the depression (if that’s what it is?) I have spent the last couple of weeks feeling ‘fed up’ and down for no apparent reason, I just do. I have no get up and go and no desire to be with other people, I struggle each day with all 3 children, but mostly my youngest as she (quite rightly) begs for my attention, and I just want to be alone.

I hate myself for feeling like this, and even though I am still functioning by getting the kids to school, collecting them and giving them tea, I know I am failing them on so many levels. I’m not giving them what they need, the one to one attention, support with their school work, my undivided attention, playing and having fun with them. I am even beginning to wonder why I had kids, I look back over the last 10 years and wonder have I ever really coped with them? My son struggles being the only boy and often say’s he wishes he was the only one, and my eldest has said the same many times, I feel so crap that I have made them feel like this, that they do not want to share their lives with their siblings.

My gremlin is sitting there telling me to find something sharp to self harm with, and so far I have resisted  but his voice is getting ever louder and I do not know how long I will be able to ignore him.

The health professionals know that I am struggling at the moment, but no one can actually turn my brain off and stop the gremlin, no one can change who I am and make me the person I want to be. I know all the things I should be doing, keeping myself busy, eating healthily, doing exercise etc etc, but anyone who has been in this black hole will know that it is at times like this that the black hole is so big it is hard to get yourself out of it and do the things you ‘should’ be doing.

I am really a very useless person.

Gremlins

After feeling quite despondent after last weeks psychology appointment I wasn’t sure how this week would go, suffice to say that it was much more hard going, which has left me feeling down, quiet and emotional.

I know I have to go through all this to be able to somehow come out on the other side, but I don’t think I realised how much just one difficult session would effect me. I talked about me, and how I feel about me, and how I feel others see me, it was mostly about my relationship with my mum, or lack of, but it has sent me back to the darker place. NJ asked me yesterday what the session was about, and I could only say what I said above, but it was more than that, but it is hard to explain, and some of the things just make me sound more weird than I already am!

So today I have struggled with my emotions, TJ is at home as we have swapped her playgroup morning to fit in with other things this week, but it means I have been at home and not visiting friends like I would normally do on her day with me. I could easily have sat and done nothing, I was going that way and had even given in to TJ watching beebies, but fortunately (I guess) the postman arrived with some baby plants that needed to be potted, so as it wasn’t raining we togged up and went outside for an hour, meaning I was distracted for some time and TJ got some fresh air.

TJ is now in bed and I am left alone to think, which is really not a good idea at the moment, but she needs sleep and the school run is not that far off. I should be busying myself with housework but it is never very inviting at the best of times. I am now thinking how long will my gremlins stay in my head this time, will I be able to shake them off in a couple of days, or will they still be there where I head back to the psychologist and therefore be given more food to grow?