Trying to Groove Again

I’m late taking part this week with Grooving Mums, hopefully I won’t get a black mark for it!

I’ve definitely lost my groove at the moment, it got up and walked off a couple of weeks ago and hasn’t been seen since. So if anyone does see it on their travels please send it my way!

The only thing that I have managed to achieve is to work with NJ to get the last of the stock from The Toy Forest live on the internet today (Sunday) so we can try to make some sales, but also to actually be finally rid of the stock in the house, and the reminders of my failure to have a successful business of my own. The products are all lovely so it is something that I am quite sad to be letting go, but I know that for my mental health it is the right thing to do. If you want to have a look at the products this is the link The Toy Forest

So whilst I am desperately seeking my ‘groove’ I will take a look at Kate’s challenges and see if anything will help or point me in the right direction.

1. Body – Sign up to do a Sports Relief Mile.  Check out http://www.sportrelief.com/the-mile    There are challenges of varying types for different levels of fitness so do take a look whether you are a rampant runner or a slouch potato.

Unfortunately I won’t be partaking in this, I think it’s a great thing to participate in but this year I am putting all my efforts and pleading for money from unsuspecting relatives towards The Joanne Bingley Memorial Foundation.

2. Mind – Do you have a favourite artist?  Would you like to know more about art?  How can you incorporate more art in your life?  Blog about it and tell us more.

I don’t have a favourite artist, it’s not something I am that bothered about. I do like looking at art, but I am more into prints and photos than actual paintings.

3. Spirit – Have you ever meditated or found other ways to calm the soul?  Is this something you might like to investigate further?  Tell us about it and then we can all learn new methods that might work for us.

I’ve never  meditated, but over the last 12 weeks I have been on a skills course with the psychological services that incorporates Mindfulness, which is not meditation but it’s about focusing the mind on the here and now. Its is based on the Buddhist way of thinking and meditating. The theory is really good, but unfortunately I’ve not managed to put it into practice yet. I am hoping that if I keep reading through my notes then I will eventually be able to put it into practice in everyday life.

4. Blogging – You are a woman and you will have women in your world, alive or dead, who matter to you.  Why not write 90 words (or more or less) about her and link up to this charity blog hop for Breakthrough Breast Cancer? Cllick here to take part or to read stories of some rather wonderful women http://kateonthinice.wordpress.com/2012/01/26/i-am-looking-for-90-bloggers-to-support-breakthrough-breast-cancer/

I think this is a great blog hop and have already joined in here

5. Special Days – It is National Storytelling Week and you can find out more here http://sfs.org.uk/nswevents2012  Why not ring the changes and write up a short story on your blog?

I would love to write a story, I think it is something that I will think about and maybe take up the challenge at a later date as my brain is not fully functioning at the moment.

6. The Big Question – Who are you?  Take this as you will.  Blog about who you are or perhaps write an “About Me” page for your blog.  Is it easy or challenging to say who you are?  What can you learn from that?

I think Kate’s given us a hard one this week, I’m not too good writing about myself, but again I will try to take up the challenge this week and see what I can come up with.

So that’s me this week, I’m hoping that my groove comes back soon and then I can start moving forward again. I’ll have a look at some other posts and see if they can inspire me with some groovyness.

Getting Grooving?

Once again it’s that time of week when I look at Getting My Groove Back, although I have realised that over the last few weeks I have said very little in how I am trying to get my groove back and just answered Kate’s questions / challenges. This week then I will start with what I have been doing to try to find my Groove.

Its been quite tough this week emotionally, ending with feeling really down yesterday when I wrote the post Dark Pit but today has not been quite as bad, although I do feel tired and drained. I think it helped that I spoke to one of the psychologist facilitating on my Skills Course and I also wrote the post, sharing your feelings really does seem to help relieve you of some of the darkness. Anyway onto how I have been getting into the groove (well at least trying to anyway!)

1. I’ve been to a fundraising meeting with The Joanne Bingley Memorial Foundation, there were 6 of us there (just the right amount for now) and we put together ideas for the coming year of ways to raise awareness and raise vital funds at the same time. It was great to be doing something new and I am hoping that this will get my enthusiasm back at some point.

2. I am still going strong with the local Toddler Group, although I seem to have great ideas about what we should be doing, it soon seems to come round to Wednesday night and I have achieved very little in the way of a welcome letter.

3. NJ has bought me a Kindle with a bright pink case, I am really pleased (although I seem to have not been outwardly excited about it!) and am currently reading my first novel on it, this is a time for me and its a good break from playing silly games on my iPhone.

Kate’s Challenges!

1. Body -  This week, there is a campaign about eating a healthy breakfast for 5 days. http://shakeupyourwakeup.com/challenge   Give it a go and tell us how it goes.

My Breakfast is not that bad, more or less the same and the brain power it takes to have something different, and then the kids want something different I won’t be going there. It will be interesting to see what others manage to do though.

2. Mind – It is Chinese New Year and I have just opened my fortune cookie.  What I want you to think and/or blog about is if you had a guarantee that the fortune in your cookie would come true in the next 12 months, what would you want it to say?  You can do something down to earth, humorous or something obscure and Confuscious like.  It is entirely up to you.

This is actually a hard one,can I have 2? Probably not, but I am going to be naughty and have 2 fortunes as I can’t decide which would be better.

1) I would love my fortune cookie to tell me I am going to get better, that the nonsense in my head was going to go and I would feel strong and confident and also able to start moving forward with my life.

I am sure this is something many people would want, money!

2) I would win the lottery, or come into some money. The as a family things could be more comfortable, we could be rid of the debts we have,  maybe even pay off the mortgage, then we would have a great family holiday like Disney Land! I could go on and on about what I would do with money, but as I don’t wish to bore anyone I won’t!

Having written both of these down, even though money would be great, me being well would benefit everyone too so I will opt for better mental health.

3. Spirit – Sticking  with the Chinese New Year, what animal are you?  If you don’t know, look it up for fun.  Does the description of the animal you are ring true?  Which animal would you like to be and why? You can find all the information you need here http://www.life123.com/holidays/new-years/chinese-zodiac/chinese-zodiac-signs.shtml

I am a Rabbit, and the site says “Rabbits in the Chinese zodiac are considered friendly, artistic, compassionate and thorough. Watch out for laziness, self-indulgence and moodiness in Rabbits as well” I think this about sums me up!

4. Blogging – Have you heard the wonderful and rather exciting news?  What do you mean “Yes, I have as Kate just won’t stop going on about it!”   I am now a member of the Britmums team with a great initiative that will make a real difference too.   Read all about it by clicking here http://kateonthinice.wordpress.com/2012/01/23/have-you-heard-the-news-i-have-a-new-and-exciting-role/

Your blogging challenge this week is to join Britmums if you have not yet done so and then join the Charity Connections – Blogging It Forward group on there.  Don’t just join but get involved in some of the already fascinating discussions taking place on there.  Have your say at http://britmums.com

Brilliant news for Kate, and I was already a member of Britmums, and joined up with the Charity Connections group as soon as I found out. Some interesting comments from people, really making me think about charity work. However I think my main focus will be with The Joanne Bingley Memorial Foundation, but it will be interesting to learn how others blog for charities.

5.  Special Days – As I have already mentioned special days in this post, my challenge to you is to make one day this week really special. How you do that is up to you.  Will it be a day out?  Some one-on-one time with your partner?  You decide.

I don’t think we will manage one whole day, but we are going out on Saturday to a friends for dinner with another couple, we always have a good time, so I will let you know next week how it went.

6. The Big Question – This challenge is the one that is aimed at making you think deeply.  Of course, the big questions come to me in all sorts of ways. This one came whilst watching Dancing On Ice on the telly because I am a very deep philosopher lol.  Take it in whatever way you see fit.  Let it mean what it means to you as an individual.  So the question is, have you lost that loving feeling?  Whether that is for yourself, your partner, your child, your job or whatever.  Reflect on it in a way that is meaningful to you.

My first reaction was that I have lost that loving feeling for myself, but then on further thinking I am not sure I have ever loved myself. I know at the moment I am not too keen on myself, I could and should do so much more! I do still love NJ and the kids, although I think I may need to be more open with NJ about how I feel, actions speak louder than words and all that!

 

So thats me, for the week, the kitchen challenge has failed, I am back to struggling to keep things tidy, I didn’t even manage a full month! I’m not going to set myself any challenges at the moment as things are tough emotionally at the moment and I don’t want to put pressure on myself and I will just see what I manage to achieve by next week.

Where has my Groove Gone?

Another week, another Grooving Mums post, if you want to find out more about it then visit Kate On Thin Ice to find out more.

This has definitely been a week of 2 halves, last week and into the weekend I was full of optimism, I felt like I could take on the world. I was enthusiastic about most things, and felt strong enough to start taking on new things and even considering what type of career I wanted to get into once TJ went to school. Unfortunately by Sunday evening optimism and enthusiasm felt they needed a break and up and left. I wish I knew why, but I just can’t work it out. There seems to be nothing specific that kicked it off, I just seemed to get a wave of unhappiness flow over me and it seems to have stayed.

So I’m not being that Groovy at the moment, although aside from a minor 3 day blip in the kitchen I am still managing to keep the kitchen tidy and suitable for visitors to see at the drop of a hat.

Kate’s challenges for the week, some harder than others to reply to!

1. Body – How are you sleeping?  Do you qualify as sleep-deprived?  Are you a mum to a baby who just isn’t sleeping through yet?  What toll is that taking?  Do you have older children creeping into bed with you?  What does your bed look like?  Is it comfortable and supportive enough?  Could you give your bed a makeover in some way perhaps with scented pillows or a colourful bedspread?  Could you have a nap at some point in the day?  How can you ensure you get better quality sleep?

At the moment I am fortunate that I take some medication to help with my anxiety and  my general mood but it also helps me sleep! When I first started taking it well over a year ago it knocked me out within about 10 mins, it was great. However it no longer has quite that effect, but it does mean I mostly sleep through the night. I have always said that my bed is my bed, and I don’t share it with anyone, well except NJ, but I don’t think he would be too impressed if I made him sleep with one if the kids. So I am not sleep deprived, but am starting to feel weary at the moment as my mood is slipping and it seems to be sapping my energy at the moment. I love our bed, it’s a nice big king-size bed that means me & NJ don’t kick each other in the night and the kids think its great as a trampoline!

2. Mind – Our children have reward charts and get stickers when they do well?  Could you play with this idea and create your own chart or adapt a child’s one?  What are those things that you know you should do but don’t seem to get around to?  How can you motivate yourself?  In my continuous attempt to get mums to say good things about themselves, why not tell me what you deserve a reward for?

This is quite apt at the moment as AJ & FJ have recently got chores charts, whereby they have to do certain chores like laying the table, clearing the table and emptying their lunch boxes to get a sticker. Each ticker is work 5p and at the end of the week we add them up and see how much money they get. I am hoping that eventually the chores they are doing will become second nature, but it may take some time! As for me I have been inspired by a friend to have some notebooks for separate jobs, so we currently have a list for housework type things, cleaning bathrooms (yes I need reminding) hoovering etc and then such things as tidying certain cupboards out. Then we have one for DIY and Garden jobs, some for me & some for NJ and I have also got a list of jobs for money jobs like completing my tax return (what joy!). I am not doing great at getting them completed but at least they are there and in one place.

3. Spirit – Is the spirit willing? You can respond to this one in whatever way you see fit.

Hmmm, if you had asked this last week I would have given a very different response. This week however my spirit is definitely not willing! I was full of life and ambition last week, full of that real ‘me-ness’ and somehow that spirit that I had found has got up and gone, maybe I was over using it, and it felt worn out? Or maybe it had such a shock to be around me that it needed some space? Whatever the reason is, its definitely no longer with me.

4. Blog – Have you attended a blogger event?  Have you met any bloggers in the flesh?  Would you like to do?  Why is that?  I am speaking at Britmums Live so I hope some of my lovely Groovy Mums will be there to hold my hand.

I’ve not been to a blogger event and I’m not sure its something I would want to do. I always struggle with meeting new people and the idea of meeting lots of new people at the same time would really not seem like fun to me. The other aspect is the cost and leaving the kids, I think whilst TJ is still so young then it’s not something that would be easy to do. For me there is also the world of anonymity and by meeting people there would not be that aspect (although there is 1 possibly 2 people who do know me that read my blog regularly) and alongside this is the fear of people’s opinion of me if they were to meet me. It’s very easy to build up a picture of what someone is like when reading a blog, in much the same way as listening to the radio, but the 2 do not always match. I suppose its one fear or anxiety issue that I may face at some point, but it wouldn’t be at a big blogger event (but don’t quote me on that, as we women are allowed to change our minds!)

5. It is the creator of Winnie the Pooh’s birthday this week.  So, as a bit of fun, why not work out which Winnie the Pooh character you are most like and why?  It might help you to discover what is great about you and also the things that you could usefully change.

Having had a look at the characters I have not been able to work out which one I would be, I am possibly a cross between Eeyore – the pessimist and Piglet – the anxious one.

6. The Big Question – How is your sex life?  Oh, I know we are not supposed to talk about religion, sex and politics but you know me, I like breaking the rules.  So how are things in the bedroom (or your venue of choice)?  Has sex become a chore? Do you find it difficult to make time for sex?  Are you too exhausted for sex? Have you managed to spice up your love-life?  Be brave and reveal all on your blog or just do some quite reflecting on this issue.

I think this is one that I will leave in the bedroom, apart from to say that NJ thinks we don’t partake in his favourite activity enough.

 

For me this week it will just be about trying to find ‘me’ again, I have a meeting about fundraising for The Joanne Bingley Memorial Foundation  on Sunday so lets hope I have got some enthusiasm back by then, or I won’t be much use.

I’m off now to see what everyone else has been up to, hopefully more than me!

Guilt

On Monday I listened to Chris Bingley talk about his wife’s untimely death on Radio Humberside only 10 weeks after having a baby following a severe case of PND, she felt she could no longer be here or have to deal with what was happening in her head and walked out in front of a moving train. I also read an excellent article in The Yorkshire Post  about Chris and his wife Joanne’s illness and how he is dealing with the lasting effect of it all.

Chris has set up The Joanne Bingley Memorial Foundation to try to get better understanding of the illness to those that need it and ensure that anyone who does suffer has the right support. Chris felt that his wife Joanne did not get the medical support that she should have done and feels that had she been given that support and taken to hospital then she would still be with us today.

Listening to this and reading the paper I can’t help but feel some guilt that Joanne died and I didn’t, I feel that had this not happened then I may well not have got the excellent support that I did. If I hadn’t received the help and care that I did I am not sure what would have happened, I know looking back that I was in a very bad place and I was suddenly surrounded daily by CPN’s worried about what I might do, there was even talk of me going into hospital (something I really did not want to do). All this support was offered to me, but it wasn’t to Joanne which is so wrong, and I know that around the country the care given to women suffering PND varies greatly.

It is because of this guilt that I am so committed to getting involved with The Joanne Bingley Memorial Foundation to help spread the word about the illness, help get all health professionals fully informed of what is needed by the sufferer and the immediate family to ensure that someone like Joanne, suffering so badly, does not do the worse thing possible.

Chris has set up an e-petition “Call to Action” for Improvement in Perinatal Mental Healthcare Services to get the government to sit up and take notice and realise that this is a serious illness that effects so many, and when the worse thing happens a child ends up with no mother, the father has no wife, siblings have no sister and parents have lost a child. Please take the time to sign the petition and read the article, the pass the information on, the more signatures we get the more chance we have of this issue being debated in parliament