Will Power or Motivation?

I have, on several occasions in my life, had very good will power, enabling me to give ‘things’ up. When I was 11(ish) I stopped sucking my thumb (I know, quite late in life!), at 16/17 I stopped biting my nails, at 23 I stopped eating rubbish and lost weight for my wedding and at 26/27 I stopped smoking. When I was expecting all 3 children I stopped drinking, stopped eating runny eggs and the cheeses as I was told and cut out peanuts. With my last pregnancy I even managed to cut out chocolate and all sweet things as I had gestational diabetes! I have also managed several times to be careful what I eat and do some exercises.

Now however, I find myself in a strange place I seem to have no will power, I spend my days eating food that is high in sugar and low in healthiness! I want to lose a few pounds and tone up a bit as my clothes are starting to get a little tight, and I refuse to buy bigger clothes! I have also been drinking wine, which at the moment I really shouldn’t as my mental health is not great and alcohol is a depressant, but I just can’t stop myself. I know the things I SHOULD be doing but my will power seems to have taken off somewhere and I am unable to find it, but then I wonder if it’s all down to motivation and if I found motivation I would find will power hiding there too?

Where my will power has totally let me down is with self-harm, I cut myself for the first time in September 2011, I managed to stop at the end of October 2011 but 15 months later at the end of January (i think) this year I cut myself again, and have done a few times since. It’s not something that is easy to explain with the why I do such a silly thing, and this post isn’t about that, but it’s almost like an addiction.

I am now at a point where I seem to have no will power to be healthy no will power to not self-harm (although have managed a week without) and no motivation to be healthy or stop being daft! But, are will power and motivation the same thing?

Whether they are the same or not, I have definitely mislaid them both, if anyone has any good suggestions on how to entice them back I am all ears!

How do you Know?

How do you know that what you are experiencing is depression? What is the difference between depression and frustration with a situation? Whats the difference between depression and laziness?

I don’t know the answers to these questions, or the answers to many more that I have going round my head right now. However what I do know is that at the moment I don’t feel ‘right’, which is a very hard thing to describe. I feel very distant from everyone, NJ, the children, friends, everyone. On the surface I probably seem quite ok, I will chat and smile and do and say the right things, but inside I feel numb and distant from everything. I feel the desire to turn away and avoid any conversation.

The smallest thing that doesn’t go to plan, or the raised voice of NJ upsets me, but I have to hold it together when the children are about, and often they are the ones that I am getting frustrated with.

The constant mess in the house frustrates and stresses me, yet I seem unable to keep the place tidy, apparently I have always been like this, so it’s unlikly to be a sign of depression. I am just someone with no ‘get up and go’, yet somewhere along the way I have been ill and have been given medication and therapy so now I am confused and don’t know what is real and what is in my head.

Over the last few weeks I have been visited by my gremlins, they are quite persuasive whilst invading my brain, and sometimes the thoughts become all-consuming that I forget everything else that is going on around me. I am also quite obsessed with how I feel mentally and physically, is this lack of energy due to poor eating, lack of exercise or is it really a sign that I have slipped down the spiral again?

I want to believe that I am ill, because what if I’m not?  What if I am just feeling sorry for myself, and not doing enough to pick myself up? What if I was to get up in the morning and say all is well, and keep smiling and keeping happy thoughts in my mind, is that all it would take? Unfortunately the more I think about it the more the gremlins start shouting, and the more I feel like walking out and leaving everything behind, but you can’t run away from your mind! I know I won’t walk out, where would I go, what would happen to the children and it won’t make me feel any different.

I am not sure there are any answers to these questions, but I’m willing to see if anyone has them.

New Year New Me – Week 2

So I’ve completed my first week of my healthy eating & exercise regime, and how did I do?

Well not too bad, I have eaten mostly well, Saturday I went over my alloted calories and then had a glass of wine, and then Sunday I wasn’t horrendous but did eat more than I should have done. Overall though I think food wise I have done well, I have often craved some chocolate and biscuits but have managed to battle the feelings and had an apple or some grapes instead (although they really don’t taste the same!).

On the exercise front I have not done as well, I received my new exercise DVD on Wednesday and I had full intention of using it that night, but it didn’t happen. In my defense I had been on an hours walk up a steep hill with a friend in the morning, so that may have had something to do with my lack of enthusiasm to get going that evening. However the rest of the week does not have such a good excuse, just that I never got round to it. I am determined that this week I will start doing my exercises, as I know once I start I will enjoy it and it will also make a huge difference to the way my body looks.

One really good thing to come out of this already is that we are all eating better, I have made proper meals most of the week and so we are eating vegetables more than once a week! This is especially good for NJ and I, its easy to make the kids eat well and then when we have our tea we can not be bothered so end up with a pizza or a microwave curry. Tonight’s meal is fish pie & vegetables, just hope that everyone likes it.

My challenge this week is to do at least 2 exercise sessions and continue to eat healthily.

New Year New Me

Along with half the population I am starting a healthy eating and exercise regime today, and in a vain attempt to make myself accountable I thought I would blog about it and see how I get on.

Most people who look at me say I am fine, there’s nothing to lose etc, and this is not a brag, but I sometimes find myself making excuses for me wanting to lose weight and tone up. I am short (hence the name) and as soon as I put a few extra pounds on it shows. I refuse to buy bigger clothes (can’t afford it anyway!) but also I don’t want to get bigger.

I have had an issue with my weight for years, I grew up with a mum that was always on a diet, she tried all sorts of different things, but one that always sticks in my mind is one that was a strange-looking drink that started as a powder! She would sit and drink that as we all ate our meals. She has always gone on about size, her’s and other people’s, and this is something that has rubbed off on me. Thankfully  I am not concerned with other people’s weight, but I am concerned with my size and what people think of me. My Dad did not help this issue, after my first term at uni he said to me ‘you’ve been eating well’  to which I said yes, and then he said it again and I realised that he meant that I had put on weight. It may have been nice of him to talk about other things first perhaps? Anyway we are adamant that we don’t want our kids to be affected by our own battles with weight so NJ and I always talk about healthy eating and what is good to eat and whats good to eat as a treat.

So I am starting today eating healthily and counting calories as I find that is what helps, but I won’t deprive myself of all things all the time, I just won’t be eating chocolate everyday or drinking wine every night! I am also going to start doing exercises, hopefully 3 or 4 times a week, which I think will make the biggest difference to me. NJ is joining in too, he needs to lose more than me, but we also want to get the whole family eating better and not as much processed food.

I am also hoping that by eating better and exercising I will not only help my body but also help my mind. y mental health seems to be on the up at the moment, but I know that exercise and healthy eating always helps.

So if anyone wants to join me on this new year new me quest then it would be great to have someone to keep me motivated.