Today – 8th April 2013

Once again I find myself sat at the computer whilst all 3 children are playing on electrical items, iPhone, iPod and DSi. I am acutely aware how bad this type of parenting is, and doing it seems to make my anxiety and depression worse, but I am also finding it difficult to actually interact with the children and just want my own space. In a slight change to the norm I am not playing a game on the computer, purely because I am waiting for others to help me to the next level, but at least I am attempting to write a post, which may or may not make me feel slightly better / more normal.

It is the second week of the Easter holidays and AJ is back from spending a week away with her best friend, it seems no different her being here, than when she was away, I think I was so spaced out and anxious last week that I didn’t miss her as much as I might have done had I been well. The next 3 days are planned, they are out with their grandparents and then 2 days of meeting with friends, so hopefully they won’t be having as much time on the electronics!

I have so much I should be doing, tidying, cleaning, ironing the mountain that has gradually grown from a mole hill in the corner of my living room, interacting with the children, making meals and even spending time on my business! But I can’t summon up the motivation to do any of them, and wish I could just be alone. I will have to tackle the mountain at some point as everyone’s wardrobes are becoming very empty, and ironing as and when things are needed becomes stressful in itself.

Over the last couple of weeks my anxiety / depression has almost got to crisis point again, my anxiety felt like I was back when I was first diagnosed with PND, shaky, heart pounding and feeling sick and I had / have succumbed to self harming again. All the health professionals are aware and even NJ is aware this time and is being really supportive (although there were a few disapproving conversations to begin with). They have reduced my medication until I can see the psychiatrist and given me some Diazepam to help with the anxiety. It seemed to help over the weekend after taking just 2, but I don’t want to be reliant on them. I feel edgy / anxious again today but will hopefully manage it on my own.

My newest dilemma is if I should speak to the kids (AJ at least) about my depression and anxiety, at almost 10 I think she should know that I’m not well, but I’m not sure how I would approach it and what the best thing to say would be. Any experience / thoughts from others would be great.

My day will continue no doubt with the kids watching TV / a film, playing on the electronic toys and me sitting at the computer. I hope that one day I will progress and start to feel more ‘normal’ again.

Failed!!

I have finally made the ultimate parental fail, I slapped my eldest because she had been winding me up all day and I snapped. It is an unforgivable action that a parent can do, made even worse by it being me that was angry and cross and it not actually being about what she had done.

I have apologised, and she hasn’t been ignoring me, so hopefully it has affected me more than her, not that it makes it better.

I no longer know how to discipline my children, and my anger seems out if control. AJ and FJ refused to get dressed this morning which meant we didn’t go out (which was their aim), but how do you make a 9.5 yr old do what you want them to, when they seem to have lost all respect for you and have no regards for other people’s feelings.

So I am now failing terribly as a parent and I no longer know how to claw back the respect that a child should give their parents, (the only saving grace is that up to now she behaves perfectly with others) they were both told no electronic toys for the rest of the day, but they just went and found other things to play with, so that didn’t work!

Any suggestions would be great, recriminations for my actions will not help I already know what a bad mother I am.

On my Shoulder

Sitting on my right shoulder is my gremlin, and each day he seems to be getting bigger as he shouts his negative thoughts at me, egging me on to feel down, fed up and rubbish. On my left shoulder is my positive thoughts (I have no image of what this looks like!) but it seems to be getting smaller, losing its strength as the gremlin gains his.

I no longer know what is me, what is my medication and what is the depression (if that’s what it is?) I have spent the last couple of weeks feeling ‘fed up’ and down for no apparent reason, I just do. I have no get up and go and no desire to be with other people, I struggle each day with all 3 children, but mostly my youngest as she (quite rightly) begs for my attention, and I just want to be alone.

I hate myself for feeling like this, and even though I am still functioning by getting the kids to school, collecting them and giving them tea, I know I am failing them on so many levels. I’m not giving them what they need, the one to one attention, support with their school work, my undivided attention, playing and having fun with them. I am even beginning to wonder why I had kids, I look back over the last 10 years and wonder have I ever really coped with them? My son struggles being the only boy and often say’s he wishes he was the only one, and my eldest has said the same many times, I feel so crap that I have made them feel like this, that they do not want to share their lives with their siblings.

My gremlin is sitting there telling me to find something sharp to self harm with, and so far I have resisted  but his voice is getting ever louder and I do not know how long I will be able to ignore him.

The health professionals know that I am struggling at the moment, but no one can actually turn my brain off and stop the gremlin, no one can change who I am and make me the person I want to be. I know all the things I should be doing, keeping myself busy, eating healthily, doing exercise etc etc, but anyone who has been in this black hole will know that it is at times like this that the black hole is so big it is hard to get yourself out of it and do the things you ‘should’ be doing.

I am really a very useless person.

Should I be sacked?

If I was in paid employment as the house keeper and nanny I would have been sacked by now as I am doing a very poor job as both! As it is I have to continue to struggle and battle with the housework and the children.

I know what I need to do, but I seem unable to carry out any of the tasks required. The house looks like there has been an explosion in all the rooms, there is washing that needs drying, clothes that need washing and ironing to do. The children are running riot and are just doing what ever they please, shouting, throwing, hitting and I appear to be speaking in a foreign language to them.

The house I think I can just about remedy, so maybe I would just be on a final warning for that, but as for the children I seem unable to control them and therefore my job as a nanny would be defunct. (If only!)

I know that I need to have more interaction with the children, they need to have less TV, DSi, iPhone, iPad and computer, and they need me to sit with them and play or make things. They also need more discipline, but I am so useless that when I try to discipline them I never see anything though, or not have any continuity so they just do what ever they want. I know that I need to have some self discipline to create more routine in the house and more time with the children than on the computer, iPhone, iPad!! I also need to feed them better, real meals that involve more than cucumber and tomatoes as their vegetables.

I possibly need to introduce reward charts, but again that would require my commitment to continue with it for more than a week to get any real return from the children, and with the ages 9.5, 6 and 2.5 it is quite hard to find something that will work for all of them. They have no respect for me or each other and are rude and selfish most of the time. Apparently when with other people they are wonderful, so somewhere inside them they have learnt something good.

I feel such a failure as a parent, you hear so much in the media about how bad children are and I know that I have 3 of them in my house, answering back, doing whatever they want and generally not being nice. No matter what anyone says, they are a creation of me, in both body and mind and I wish so much I could go back and re-do my work, and try harder this time.

I want to shout at them (which I have been doing far too much these last few days), but I also want to swear at them (which I won’t do) and bang their heads together (which I also won’t do). Sometimes I even want to walk out of the house and leave them to argue and fight on their own (again I won’t do), but my conscience won’t let me do anything to cause them harm, or put them in harms way.

I know that this negative thinking is the depression rearing its head again, but I don’t know what has triggered it, or maybe nothing has and I just have a broken mind? The worse I get the worse the children seem to be and then the worse I get, a catch 22 really.

It’s all back to normal on Monday, so maybe then my brain will settle down and I will get some sort of control of the house, if not I am seeing my psychologist on Tuesday so maybe he can help me work out why it’s all going wrong again!