Not Really Grooving!

Last week I didn’t manage to join up with Grooving Mums, I definitely didn’t feel Groovy at all, or in any way working towards being grooving! I also didn’t seem to find the time to even attempt to join in. However this week I am going to join in, I’m still not really grooving at all, but maybe joining in will help my mind start feeling groovy again.

If you are not sure what Grooving Mums is all about (where have you been?) the take a look here and see what Kate on Thin Ice is trying to help us mums do.

So here are these weeks challenges / questions (not compulsory)

1. Body – do you love or loathe your body?  Celebrate the fact you are a mum by posting here http://cafebebe.co.uk/2012/02/real-mummy-tummies/

I’m not a huge fan of my body, mostly the area I dislike is my stomach (like most mums!), I’ve never had a flat stomach, but have always desired one, even though I know it’s not something we can all have. I was lucky in my pregnancies that I never got stretch marks, but I do feel that after my 3rd pregnancy my stomach is more wobbly. I am unsure though if this is because I had a section and felt unable to do exercise for quite some time, and even now I am not getting going with the exercise lark.

2. Mind – who is setting the standard?  Is it too high or too low?

Not sure about this one and what Kate means by it, but I know that I am setting my own standards for myself too high, I expect myself to be perfect, to have the perfect house, be the perfect friend (that everyone wants to be friends with), the perfect wife, the perfect mummy, basically I want to be the best at everything and I don’t come anywhere near my own standards and this is something that I know I need to work on.

3. Spirit – take time out today to reflect on lost loved ones and to remember those for whom Valentine’s Day will be particularly sad this year.

I am very fortunate at the moment that I have not lost many relatives yet, and as yet I have not lost any friends. However I know as my parents and in-laws get older this is something that will come at some point and actually worry more how my children will cope with the loss more than my own loss. I know a few people who will have been alone this Valentines day, but not well enough to know if they are happy or not. I would like to hope that if it was going t be a difficult day for them that close friends would have rallied round and given support.

4. Blogging – write a love letter and post it.

This is a hard one, I will have a think and see if I can manage to write something.

5. Special Days – It is Valentine’s Day.  Show yourself some love this week.  Buy yourself some flowers or do for yourself what you can imagine the world’s best partner doing for you.  Why not?  Go on, do it and see how it feels.

How I would love to do something for myself, in fact I did have a day to myself yesterday (Tuesday) but I actually did not do what I had planned. My plan was to go to the local town, have a look round the nice little shops, check out the charity shops and even have a coffee whilst I was out. All I managed was a trip to the bank, a quick walk round and then straight back home. I felt unable to go into the shops, I didn’t want to have any interaction with anyone, or feel obliged to buy anything. I did manage to watch ‘Dirty Dancing’ though in the afternoon (whilst blogging!) and that was nice.

6. The Big Question – Do you love yourself?  If yes, tell us how and why.  If not, why not?

My mood is low so at the moment nothing would feel good and loving myself is not something I can do. I am hoping that once I have had a review of my medication I can begin the journey to learn how to love myself as it’s not something I have ever been able to do. I am not entirely sure why I have never loved myself, maybe I am just a negative person, or maybe I have never learnt how to be happy with myself. This is something that I hope my children will learn, that they are special and beautiful and no matter what they do they will always be loved and should always love themselves.

So that is me for this week, I have not done anything recently that is helping me move forward with my Groovyness, my CPN has also recommended that I don’t try to take anything on at the moment or agree to anything. Just because my mood is so low and I am struggling to carry out the basics at the moment and there is no point in making myself feel worse by failing to do something I had originally agreed to.

The Year – 2011

As the year is coming to an end I thought it would be good to take a look at the highs and lows of the year, hoping to see more highs than lows!

It is actually quite difficult to remember back to this time last year, even though I was gradually getting better, life from then is still a bit of a haze. I think things were going ok, I was seeing my CPN weekly, and my medication was settling down. I was however off the alcohol, something that has definitely changed now, as I allow myself a glass of two of an evening.

Closure of my Business 

My First big event of the year was the closure of my on-line toy and gift shop, I had hoped that once I was a SAHM then I would be able to make a go of the business and see money coming in to help with the income of money. Unfortunately I was not well enough to pursue this, and myself and NJ agreed that we had to close the site down as we were spending more than we were making, I think it was also adding to my anxiety, stress and depression. I was upset and very down at this point, I felt a failure, a waste of space and angry that I was unable to do something, that from the outside seemed simple. I think though at the same time I felt some relief, I no longer had to try to make sales, I didn’t have to converse with sales people on the phone about the company, I could simply tell them that the store was now closed, I actually think that this was when I started to answer the phone, and not leave it to ring.

Becoming Unemployed 

The middle of February I became officially unemployed, my maternity leave had come to an end, which meant that I would no longer be receiving an income. I felt deflated and useless, which considering I had wanted to be a SAHM, was a strange reaction. I hit breaking point again, I felt broken. The business had closed and then I was unemployed.

This is something I still struggle with, I have always worked, from age 13 I had a paper round, and then various other jobs, shop work, bar work and during the summer I worked in a factory, I have always made my own money, even though as a married couple our money has always been in a joint account. Things are tight now (like the rest of the country!) and I often feel guilty, although NJ tells me not to worry and we will cope. He is also of the opinion that at the moment I am really not in the right place to try to get a job, and unfortunately I have to agree. I just hope that in the not too distant future I will find myself in the right place and be able to think about what I want to do and start working towards that.

Starting a Blog

With the closure of the business and the departure from paid employment I felt I needed something else, I needed something to think about and do, and so my Mrs Shorties Mind was born, I put myself out there in the www and to begin with I was just me all alone, and then I began to link up via different places and then I got a few followers. My blog was and still is a place to speak openly about what has and is happening to me and hopefully help others that may be going through the same thing, I also now wish to raise awareness of PND, this was a high point for me.

Going to Toddlers

Having lived in my village for 5 years, it was only this year that I found the courage (and support of friends) to finally go to a toddler group. I wrote about it here, not only did I manage to go to the toddler group, but I am now a member of the committee and I feel very much part of the group. It is definitely one of my highs of this year.

Making Friends 

I made 2 very good friends this year, I was already friendly with HR, but it was more of a good natter to and from school, but with going to Toddlers my friendship with HR grew but I also made friends with ZC and since then the 3 of us have helped each other with our battle with depression and also been on nights out and had some fun.

Mental State

The first half of the year had many ups and downs, I wrote about my struggles on my blog, so won’t go into them again, but I think some of my struggles were regarding the looming anniversary of TJ’s birth, I didn’t know how I would be, how I would cope. I was also still feeling down a lot of the time, crying still and generally just not coping. My CPN had mad a referral to a psychiatrist, but it seemed to be taking a while for the appointment to come through.

The appointment came through for 3 days before TJ’s 1st birthday, so I was never sure if the anxiety about it was for the appointment or for the looming birth anniversary. The psychiatrist upped my medication, and informed me that I would be on the medication for at least another 18 months, I was upset as even though I knew I wasn’t better I suppose I had hopped deep down that he would say all was ok and I could reduce my medication. 7 months on from that appointment and I now realise it was the best thing to do, I am feeling a lot better and able to deal with life slightly better.

During this month I wrote about wishing I could go back in time, Time Machine Anyone?, I was also unsure whether I should be celebrating TJ’s birthday or not. TJ’s birthday came and went, and I recorded the event here.

That’s the first half of the year, which I think was possibly the most taxing emotionally, but I did manage to get through the year from May 2010 to 2011 which I now know I should be celebrating, but unfortunately I still feel a tinge of regret that I have put the family through everything that I have.

The second half of the year starts with my birthday, and to be honest, I can’t remember that much from it!

Take That

I did however go to see Take That shortly after, which was great, although not as good as when I saw them at the MEN back in 2007! The lead up to the even was awash with anxiety and thoughts of pulling out and making up some reason not to go, but  I did go, and although the anxiety got me before the doors opened, once we were in, it was great. I went with NJ, NL (my sister) and HB (best friend) and apart from some drunken ladies behind us we all enjoyed it.

Camping

This summer we went on our first family camping holiday, something I had been trying to persuade NJ to do for several years, and finally he had given in. It was a good holiday, everyone enjoyed themselves and we are looking forward to going again next summer. Unfortunately for me I just ‘enjoyed’ it, I know I had a good time, but I seemed to have lost the ability to be excited and super happy. I am glad though that everyone enjoyed the holiday, and hope that next year I can feel more of the excitement about it.

NJ’s 40th

NJ hit the big 40 this summer and we were fortunate enough to be able to have my family look after the 3 terrors whilst we went to a luxury hotel and enjoyed some ‘us’ time. We had a great 1st day, ending with a 5* meal (slightly scary to start with!) NJ really enjoyed himself and I look forward to being able to do the same in a few years time when we have saved enough funds!

Unfortunately I was stupid enough to forget to take my medication that morning and did not have any with me, I was tired during the day, but the following day I was very ill, I was having major withdrawal symptoms and felt awful all day, which kind of spoilt things, but it was a lesson learnt and now I have spare tablets in my handbag just in case.

FJ Starting School

September saw FJ starting school, I’m not sure who was more nervous, me or him! He settled in really well and is doing great at the moment, I guess that is something else to celebrate. Although his behaviour at school is pretty good (did have a small incident with hitting someone!) his behaviour at home is still quite difficult, I just need to learn how to rein him in.

FJ 5th Birthday Party

As we had allowed AJ to have a big party for her 5th birthday, it was only right that FJ had one too, I didn’t think it would be too difficult. We had a church hall and entertainer booked, we just needed to do the food and party bags. How wrong could I be, the party bags seemed to take over my life, we didn’t want to spend much, but also didn’t want the plastic rubbish that they usually ended up with. The theme of the party was a pyjama party, so in the end we came up with the idea of a book, flannel, soap and some chocolate. The book, soap and chocolate was easy to sort, but trying to find fun flannels seemed to keep me occupied for weeks! It was sorted in the end, and with help from some great friends (and NJ) the party went well and FJ seemed to enjoy himself.

Joanne Bingley Memorial Foundation

I found out about the Joanne Bingley Memorial Foundation through attending a talk by Elaine Hanzak-Gott, the foundation aims to raise awarness of PND and ensure that there is enough help and support for those suffering with it. I am hoping in the New Year to become more involved with the foundation to help others that are struggling with this horrible illness.

Skills Course

After being refered to psychological services it was suggested that I attend a 12 week course which helps you learn how to deal with various emotions connected with depression / anxiety. I agreed to go, but was very unsure after the first session, however I am pleased to say that I stuck with it and have finished the first 6 weeks. I have met new people all with their own problems and we are helping each other with our own ideas of how to deal with different situations. I am looking forward to going back to the course next week and seeing what new things we will talk about.

Center Parcs

At the end of November we went to Center Parcs with NJ’s parents, something we have done the past 2 years to enjoy the Winter Wonderland. The lead up to this had me stressed, trying to plan who was taking what food, thankfully NJ dealt with most of this and I just had to pack the clothes. We did actually have a really good time, the kids enjoyed the pool and me and NJ had some time to ourselves whilst his parents baby-sat. The Saturday afternoon was my favourite time, we had hired a beach hut, which was heated and had a TV, we actually didn’t spend much time there and spent most of it with the kids in the pool. I was with TJ most of the time and it was great to see her enjoying herself as she went down the little slide in as many different ways as she could.

Family Visit

I always try to visit my family just before Christmas to exchange birthday and Christmas gifts. I have 4 nephews, 3 with a birthday in December and 1 at the beginning of January so I like to get the birthday presents to them before Christmas happens. The lead up to this was stressful as I had to get all the presents bought and wrapped. We did manage it though, and everyone seems pleased with what they have got. I enjoyed seeing my mum, dad, sisters, niece & nephews even though it seems a tad loud at times (8 children from 1 – 8.5).

Christmas

So Christmas came, the presents were opened and the food was eaten, the day was not too stressful, but I would like to do things differently next year if its possible. NJ and I didn’t seem to stop all day sorting food, clearing up and then traveling to relatives. Next year I would like to be able to just stay at home all day and enjoy a slower pace of life for just one day.

Mental State

My mental state over the second half of the year I didn’t think had been too bad, but looking back over my blog I have realised that there have been a few hard points, and although I haven’t blogged much in the last couple of months I know that things have been fairly difficult for me. However they have not been as hard to come out of the bad times as in the past, so I will see that as a positive.

On a high note, I have been told by a couple of people now that I seem much better than I have in the past, and seem much happier. I really hope this is the case and that I can finally start to get my life back on track and look to the future.

So what has your 2011 been like?

When It All Came Crashing Down

After 2 weeks of taking my Anti D’s things started to go horribly wrong, I don’t remember a great deal about how I actually felt at that time, I just remember what happened. Luckily (I think) I did write in my Baby Center journal again and this has helped me remember and recognise how bad things were.

I am going to include my Journal again as I don’t think I can really put how I was feeling and the events that happened any better or clearer. Some people may think it is too personal, but I wish to highlight what having PND can do to you. I am also finding this all quite therapeutic as it is making me see how far I have come.

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15th September 2010 – Baby Center Journal

So tomorrow I will have been taking the Anti D’s for 2 weeks, and my emotions have been all over the place.

Last week I didn’t feel too bad, I told the NN and the HV that I didn’t need to see them this week as I was coping better, and the counsellor said I also seemed better that I had been. Then since Sat I have felt really anxious and down.

DH came to the Gp’s with yesterday, which I found really hard, and he did too. The Gp wants to refer me to a psychiatric nurse, which has made me feel worse in that this is real. Although I told DH last night that I am fine, there is nothing wrong with me and I don’t need to see anyone anymore. I just feel that if I kept telling myself I am ok, I will be ok, I also feel like I want to stop taking the meds, and just go back to normal and stop relying on people when there is nothing wrong and I am just being lazy.

I am seeing the NN today (realised I needed to see her before next week!) so will tell her how I am feeling.

Can you will yourself better? Maybe if I just got on and got the house sorted I would feel much better and DH wouldn’t be so annoyed with me, and will see that I am ok.

This has all been a bit of a mishmash today, but I just need to put my feelings / thoughts down somewhere

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27th September 2010 – Baby Center Journal

Its been almost 2 weeks since I last wrote anything, and in that time its been a bit of a nightmare, I’ve tried to write a few times but just wasn’t up to it I suppose.

I saw my HV on the Thursday (at clinic) and had a mini breakdown with her, she was really concerned and wanted to get me to see a GP there and then, but I had DD to take swimming and really didn’t want to not take her. So she asked my permission to speak to a GP and she would ring me in the morning.

HV came round in the morning, told me she had got me an appointment to see a Dr and she would come with me for support. So off I go and see Dr where I have another melt down, he asked me if he could contact the CPN and get someone out to see me I agreed as I could see no other option.

My biggest problem was feeling like I wanted to self harm most of the time, and I am guessing that is what was concerning them. I was really worried about DH knowing, but agreed to let the HV tell him what was going on.

I got a phone call at lunch time from the Crisis Team, which I wasn’t expecting, and then DH called to say he was coming home. The HV had told him that he needed to be at home, as I wasn’t safe to be alone! It was hard when the CPN’s turned up (2 of them) asking about what had happened, so I had to go over the birth etc again. DH was home by this time, so he was made aware of what was going on by them. They said they would call in the morning to arrange to see me.

I waited all day for the call, which did not help my anxiety, someone phoned me about 4ish, they did apologise but there had been an emergency that was being dealt with. She came out to see me on the Sat & Sun, the Sun she was really concerned about my anxiety and  the not sleeping so she got me some sleeping tablets and something else to help till the following day when I was to see a psychiatrist. She had told DH that if I had had something sharp enough I would have hurt myself (which was true), I had tried to do something but there was nothing sharp enough, just sort of scratched myself, I don’t think DH really got what was being said. Later when we were out I must have said something and he then realised what had happened and kind of lost it, which did not help me, which is why I didn’t want him to know in the first place.

The next day (Mon) DH went to see the HV and I think she helped him understand what was happening, and that it wasn’t really me, just the ‘illness’ making me think like I was, he was also told by the CPN that I should not be left alone as I wouldn’t be safe. I was asked several times if I wanted to go into hospital (I said NO). Saw the psychiatrist, who prescribed something to help with the anxiety, but I didn’t get the chance to really talk to anyone, which set me off again.

I have seen someone from the Crisis team everyday since, some I have felt better with than others. I have had my anti-depressant upped and am still taking the other tablets to help with sleep and anxiety. I did hurt myself again on the Tuesday, but haven’t really done anything since although have felt like doing something most of the time.

My DH has been really supportive and has been working from home, I have told him when I have had bad thoughts and also that I didn’t feel safe going shopping on my own (I was likely to buy something sharp). It has been very strange having conversations with people quite calmly about things not being sharp enough to do what I want and that I would buy something if I could.

This morning I felt really bad and told the CPN that I felt like it was never going to stop or get better, and felt that the meds were making me worse, but this afternoon I actually started to feel normal! So maybe the meds are working, I am still very anxious about things, especially if the phone rings and thoughts of having to talk to lots of people. I have also started to spend more time with DD#2 the baby. I have also started using her name more, and things do seem to be improving so maybe there is light at the end of this very long tunnel.

This has been a really long journal today, but I think I needed to write all this somewhere, I know tomorrow I may feel bad again, but a least for now I can feel slightly normal and might even be able to watch some telly!

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 I hope that anyone who has managed to read all this and is struggling will see that even though 12 months ago things were very bad, I have come out the other side. I am still recovering and it doesn’t take much to knock me down, but I am nothing like I was and those silly thoughts are getting less and less.

1 Year Ago Today

A year ago today I started to take Anti D’s for the first time.

I had seen the Dr the day before and I cried when I had got home, in hind sight it was probably that I now knew that I was unable to deal with this alone. I was however still too scared to take them. The information leaflet and information on the web filled me with anxiety that I would be ill, feel sick, tired, dizzy and so on. I also had a fear of getting addicted to them.

I had a great Health Visitor who I happened to ring about something else and she offered to come and have a chat to me about it all. She explained that basically the medication was just like taking any other medication, such as insulin for diabetes, or an inhaler for asthma. She also said that it would help me get better quicker.

I knew then that I had to take them, that really there was no real reason to not take them as I desperately wanted to be better, I also did not want the children suffering anymore than they already had been.

This is what I wrote in my Baby Center Journal, at the time I wanted to keep all this private and the idea of others reading my inner thoughts made me shudder, but now I feel it is time to share those thoughts with the hope that others who read and feel the same will know they are not alone.

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September 2nd 2010 – Baby Center Journal

So today I have taken my first Anti D’s, still not sure about the whole thing, but have been told that it’s the best thing to get ‘me’ back quicker. I just hate what I am doing to the family, I just want to go away from everyone, I have made this family so miserable and angry.

DD has gone back to school and I felt sick this morning, I am presuming with the anxiety of doing the school run, which was actually ok, and saw a friend there and had a chat which was nice.

DS is at lunch club and then starts pre-school, so only 1.5hrs till it will just be me and baby. I am being really bad and have just switched TV on for DS and I am sat on the computer.

I just wish I could get away from all the thoughts going round in my head, I feel like they thoughts are getting worse at the moment, and just don’t know what to do. It is good to have somewhere to write this all down though, otherwise I might go completely mad!

I just feel like screaming, with a hope that it will all go away. I hate myself and my life at the moment!!

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Re-reading this has made me realise that I am much better than I think I am, I don’t hate myself and life is not too bad, and I feel that things can only get better.