Trigger warning, some people may find this hard to read as it mentions suicide.
I’ve been struggling badly with my mental health for well over a month and last thursday (27th march), things just got too much for me, I struggled with the kids, not doing as I asked, but to be honest I don’t know what they were or were not doing, I just know I was struggling with them. I had decided to go out once NJ got home, but a slight remark by him re money and not doing something I asked him to straight away, something snapped. I got the kids to bed and then went out. Nj wasn’t pleased with me going out, he wanted to know where, I just said ‘out’ I need to just get out! I thought he wouldn’t give me the car keys, but he did (but not particularly willingly it has to be said).
So off I went, I made a stop at the coop for some water (it was going to be something stronger but my purse wasn’t in my bag!), and off I drove. I parked up not too far from home, and the weather was in touch with my dark mood, it was very windy, rainy and kept hailing! I couldn’t see the point in living, I couldn’t see how things would ever improve, it’s been nearly 4 years and I continue to cycle with my moods, having more bad than good days. I had been trying so hard to do things, keep trying to find the happy things, but I was getting pleasure from nothing. I was also making everyone around me miserable, I thought that their lives would be much happier and easier without me around.
I sat there with my bag of pills not sure whether to start taking them or to ring the intensive home based treatment team (IHBTT), something made me make the call, maybe I didn’t want to die, maybe I knew it was wrong, maybe I was scared it wouldn’t work and the repercussions? I really don’t know, but I made the call and spoke to a bloke for maybe 20 mins, he wasn’t overly helpful, but I guess it stopped my knee jerk reaction. I contacted a friend and went round for a coffee. I let nj know I was safe, I just couldn’t face going straight home.
I am lucky to have this friend she was there ready to listen and not judge, I think she struggled to know how to help, she wanted to DO something, for me she was doing plenty, just being there. I realised that I was going to have to speak to nj, it had gone too far not to tell him the truth.
I got home and we sat down, I assumed that he would have had done idea of what had been going on, blogs I had written, things I had said, but even though he was worried about me and wanted me to come gone safely, he still said he had no idea and was shocked when I told him what I had nearly done. I can’t say I’m surprised, it’s not something I would have wanted to hear from him, and that is why I had never mentioned it to him before. There was upset and tears, anger and frustration, followed by a difficult night of not much sleep for either of us.
I was out in the morning with TJ and some friends, Nic turned up as he couldn’t face work, he stayed for a short time, then as he was leaving we kind of talked / argued. There was not much I could say, I had reached out for help, I couldn’t undo or unsay what had happened. I let a couple if friends know things were really bad, but tried my best to relax for the rest if the morning.
When the team member from IHBTT came (Nic was with me) we discussed what we should do, hospital was mentioned, I wasn’t keen, but I also knew I probably wasn’t safe at home either, and I didn’t want nj babysitting me. (I think I would change this attitude if I had my time again!). It was after lots of deliberation that they would try and find me a bed.
It didn’t seem to take long (possibly a couple of hrs), but the realisation that this wax happening was beginning to sink in, it wasn’t a nice feeling. Then there was the organising if childcare, which nj dealt with, I was in no fit place to do talking or tell people what was happening.
So after saying goodbye to the kids, with fj being really upset, we set off to a hospital, it was all very surreal. Once there nj wasn’t allowed in the ward so we said our goodbyes and I was left alone in a very strange environment.
I know it was the safest place for me, but I still couldn’t get my head round how I had ended up in a psychiatric hospital.
I’m an informal patient, so in theory I should be able to come and go as I please, but because I pose a risk to myself I have to be accompanied if I want to leave. It makes me feel like a prisoner, but that’s another blog post to write.
I hope if I ever get in a bad place again I can speak up quicker, tell nj what is happening and not put the family through the hell I am.