Existing

I am currently in the midst of a bad depressive state / episode / mood, whatever the term might correctly be! And it has occurred to me how strange it is that whilst I am feeling like this, in a constant negative wave of emotions, of gremlins gnawing at my brain until I’m almost at the brink, that life just simple goes on around me. Nothing changes, I do the necessary, sort the kids, do a bit of ironing, do some washing up, sort the dishwasher, generally keep the house ticking over, even if it is very slowly. And because I manage nothing has to change, which isn’t what this post is about.

Basically what I am getting at is how strange it feels to see the world keeping going, live keeps going, as it has to. I feel like I am just a bystander whilst everyone else is part of the race, everyone else is partaking, enjoying the feelings and the community around them. I struggle at the moment being with anyone, that includes NJ and the kids, I have forgotten the art of proper conversation, a conversation that isn’t just about me. The kids want to talk when they get home, tell me about their day, but I am just not interested, I try to be, and nod etc, but I’m not really there, I’m not soaking up their enthusiasm as I should be. NJ tells me about his day, and I try to make conversation, but it doesn’t last long. I have nothing to talk about, my days are constantly the same, and are basically taken up with constant negative thoughts, not exactly stimulating conversation.

In the outside world people around me are chatting, laughing and experiencing life, all I  can do is stand and watch, I seem to have forgotten how to take part, how to engage in my surroundings and live. To most people, maybe to everyone, I am doing ok, I am talking and laughing, and doing the school run, the kids are clean, fed and where they need to be on time. That is the mask that I have to wear, the mask that covers up the false life I live. That is the problem with this illness, no one can see or know unless you tell them, no one can hear the negative nagging in your head.

Would you want to live a life where you merely existed? Would you want to bother sharing your day when you have merely existed? Existing isn’t enough for me, I need to live, I need to feel alive, but right now I don’t know how and if it is possible.

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