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At my appointment with my psychologist yesterday he talked about changing my mindset, I need to change from having a fixed mindset to a growth mindset. So instead of thinking ‘how much have I achieved in my career, family life, etc’ it’s thinking ‘where am I heading as I grow towards my potential? and what lessons am I learning?’.

We also talked about trying to change how I talk and think, I need to stop saying ‘I should’ and have more ‘I want’. The theory is that the more I do things that spark my passion, such as my business, the more energy I will have and more ability to deal with the children.

It all sounds sensible and my CPN agreed with what has been said, she is also encouraging me to get into exercise to help with my energy levels.

However in the cold light of day when I haven’t got my CPN or psychologist sat there talking to me it is not as easy to do, I know the things I would like to do, but it is so much easier to just sit and play candy crush, or watch the TV, or go on Elefriends, or write a blog! I know that doing things that I like and have the potential to be doing something for me are good and will hopefully lessen my thoughts of sh, but it’s such hard work, to change the way I have been thinking for the last 3 years, to think about me and stop worrying about the house or the family, or even what other people might think of me.

One thing I would love to know is how was I before all this happened? What was my mood like, how did I talk, was I as negative then as I am now? It would be great to talk to a health professional who knew me well before all this happened, but that is not possible.

My other issue I have is that I don’t seem to be being a particularly good friend at the moment, I seem to have forgotten how to listen to other people and give advice and support, I read on Elefriends and I seem unable to give any words of advice, I seem so caught up in my own self pity, as if I am the only person who is suffering, that I have forgotten how to be supportive to others.

So I need to change my mindset, I need to become more aware of my own desires and dreams for the future, but I also think I need to be more aware of the people around me (including my children and husband) and their issues and their lives.

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