I have concluded that I am not actually ill, I am just a rubbish parent! If I was ill, the medication I am taking (and that has been increased on a few occasions) would be working and keeping me level constantly. However, what I now find is that during term time I can cope and manage and life ticks over okay, then come the holidays, when I am alone with all 3 children I can not cope, I have no control over the children and they have no respect for me. This is not an illness, this is someone who can not parent, someone who should not have become a parent. I feel guilty that I am not giving my children the up bringing that they deserve, I am not giving them guidance and the only time I seem to interact with them I am being negative.
I struggle to accept that feeling down, no energy, lacking emotions etc can be categorised as an illness, I accept more that it is in my nature, I was born like this and I am just lazy and can not cope with children or anyone who does not do as I ask. I had a normal upbringing, lived in a middle class town, had friends, went to university, got a job, got married had kids, nothing special, nothing out of the ordinary so no reason to feel down and out.
But I do feel down, I am struggling, struggling with my thoughts and how I am interacting with my children. If I was ill, after almost 2 years surely I would feel better more positive, not crumble at every harsh hurdle, not struggle with my 3 children that I chose to have. I have no one to blame but myself for the way I feel right now, I have created my children, I have molded how they behave, as people always say ‘children learn by example’ and as I am often shouting at my children and not interacting with them it is no surprise that I often find myself on the other side with the child shouting at me and refusing to do anything I ask them to do.
If right now I could make a choice about how to spend the next few days, without any consequences financially of emotionally, I would take myself off somewhere to sleep, read and just be alone, just me, no interaction with anyone, no children and no housework. Unfortunately I live in this real world, it is the school holidays and we have no extra money for niceties, so today I will get on as normal, we will have breakfast, we will meet up with friends and I will smile and chat and be full of life. I will get through the day, as I always do, and think that there are only 4 more weeks of the holiday’s left and I then things will get back to normal.
Then I feel unhappy that I feel this way, I wanted children, I wanted to be a stay at home mum, but I seem unable to enjoy it, I seem unable to parent and give my children what they need and deserve.
All I can hope is that one day I will learn to enjoy what I have been given and except life as it is.
Aug 03, 2012 @ 10:14:30
Everything you’ve said here could apply to me. Most days I feel EXACTLY like this. My eldest daughter shouts at the cats & at her sister in the way that I shout at her. As a parent it is very easy to see the bad habits we get into & worry about those but I think it’s important to remember that no one is perfect & all this perfect parent bullshit we get thrown at us is nonsense. You are ill, & that’s bound to take its toll. But you know & from reading your blog you clearly love your children more than anything but kids are such hard work & it’s hard to be happy & rational at the best of times, never mind when you’ve an illness to grapple with. I too would ditch my kids for an hour of peace & a little slice of sanity & I can tell you that when my daughter starts school in September I shan’t be crying, unless they are tears of joy & relief. You’re not on your own in feeling like this. & I totally get that whole feeling of just being lazy & crap at life, but I really don’t think its true. I wish I too were like all those wonder-woman stay at home mums but some of us just thrive from different things & I don’t think that makes us bad people. Don’t know if this has helped at all but just want you to know we’re in the same club & you shouldn’t feel bad. x
Aug 03, 2012 @ 11:05:34
If you are a rubbish parent, then so am I. But I don’t think I am. It’s hard. I only have two kids, and they are not living with me at the moment, and it’s still hard. It’s relentless. I admire anyone who is a stay-at-home mum, because I know it’s not something that would work for me at all. You say your meds have been increased, but have they been changed? It may be that you need something different… Please don’t give up on yourself like this. Do you get any time for you at all? Do you have any other strategies for self-care or mindfulness? It’s amazing how much of a difference they make to me. You are doing the right thing, my therapist would say, by acting opposite – going and having fun. Sometimes I have to force myself to get off the sofa and on the floor with them and I’m surprised at how much fun we have. Even just 10 minutes a day. It’s tiny steps, but all in the right direction.
Aug 06, 2012 @ 03:17:41
I can relate to so much of what you have said in your post… So, so much! I am just over a year into my PND journey and I can assure you I too have these same thoughts. I’m not sure if I can say anything that will make your day (or the holidays) feel any better, other than please know you are NOT alone in how you feel. It doesn’t make you a terrible mum, and it certainly doesn’t mean these feelings are going to last forever. What it does mean is that you are already doing more for yourself and for your children by being able to openly admit this is how you feel. That alone is one major victory in itself! Take care and I look forward to hearing more from you soon. xx
Aug 08, 2012 @ 10:14:02
I think we all have variations on that theme don’t we? We all sometimes think “I am a rubbish …….”. Most of the time we are just too harsh with ourselves.
All the best
Aug 09, 2012 @ 19:38:20
You are certainly not rubbish. You are just a normal parent coping with the demands of young children day in day out. The summer holidays are a grind to be honest. You are all cooped up together and all getting fed up of each other. Its no wonder everyone gets crabby and fed up. I also long for a bit of peace – an hour with a book and a cup of tea would be heaven. I find that for me I have to know that we have something planned to do every day even if its just going to a friends for a play or going to the park. Getting out of the house helps me keep my sanity. Also would there be any way that you could pay a local teenager to keep the kids amused for a couple of hours in the garden etc whilst you get a bit of a rest? Don’t be too hard on yourself – parenting is wonderful but is also the hardest job ever!
Aug 17, 2012 @ 17:21:36
You are not alone with these feelings. It probably comes from wanting to be a good mum and that probably means you are a far better one than you realise. You wait and see.
Aug 21, 2012 @ 16:49:40
Found myself nodding through all of this. My son has gone back to school today – and I virtually did cartwheels through the playground! Youngest returns to nursery tomorrow, and I feel like I’ve just finished a marathon. I’ve been aggressive to them (although not violent), I’ve shouted and screamed, I’ve cried hysterically, I’ve gone back to bed and left them with computer games to keep them amused…..
I’ve done everything a bad parent would do.
All we can do is try our hardest to get the help we need to be better – better mums at least, if not better with our PND.
Kids know how to push every button. And even mums without PND struggle during the holidays. There’s no shame in it.
But you sound like maybe some counselling, to give you coping strategies, might help.
In the last month, I’ve started back with a terrific psycho-therapist who has helped me enormously in the past.
Medication is not always the answer – or maybe not the only answer.
I’ve always found talking to someone really helps.
You are not a bad person, or a bad Mum.
But if things really feel hopeless and like they’re not getting better, maybe you should talk to your GP about the options you have.
Sep 09, 2012 @ 21:00:50
Oh poppet,
you are not alone, lots of people feel like you.
I so hope you find a way to find the happy x
Sep 10, 2012 @ 15:25:18
Thank you all for your replies and taking the time to comment, and I apologies that I am not replying personally to anyone. It seems such a long time ago that a wrote this, and I am ashamed that I haven’t yet replied I thought I should do now.
It is great to know that I am not completely useless, although I do think my parenting skills need a bit of work, but I shall try and work on that and not worry too much.
I managed to get through the holidays, and now life is getting back to normal (for 7 weeks until half term!), and I have also finally been offered one to one sessions with a psychologist, so I hope this will start to get me on the right track.