Can I Hide?

In May last year I wrote about wanting a Time Machine to change how TJ was bought into the world, I am still looking so if anyone spots one please give me a shout!

I know by now that I should be over what happened with TJ’s birth and I possibly am, I am not however over the PND and at the moment I am having a big dive back down the dark pit. I want to be able to go back and even if I must have the same birth experience I would like to just cope with it, not have the breakdown that happened and not have shared everything with everyone. I feel like I have given too much of me away to people who know me, and in doing so lost some of my self-respect.

I’ve cried with so many health professionals, Midwives, Health Visitors, Doctors, CPN’s psychiatrists and psychologists and given everything away. I know that’s what I am supposed to do, but at the moment I look back and feel silly and stupid for the things I’ve said and done, I’m trying to figure out why people think I need the support and why I am seen as any different from the next person.

I’ve not had a bad upbringing, there may not have been hugs and ‘I Love Yous’ flying around, but we did have a really nice house and garden, I was able to do many activities and I think I was essentially happy. I don’t have a bad life now, I have 3 healthy children and a husband who (I think) loves me (not sure why though) and a really nice house in a lovely village. So on the face of it I should not need support, or help with my ‘mental health’ I feel like I am taking up precious time of these health professionals when they should be out there supporting the people who have real problems.

It’s hard to explain but my life has been changed forever, and it’s not in either a good or bad way, it’s just been changed. I’ve been exposed to a world I was blissfully unaware of, the world where mental health problems are the norm and talking about your medication and the way you feel is not shied away from. I am not saying this is a bad place to be, but I do wish sometimes that I had not crossed into the world I now live in, it was quite nice to be unaware of how many people are affected by it all. It was also nice to have a normal family life, where we got on with things, I worked, and we had more money. Now I am so acutely aware of how I feel I am constantly on edge that I am feeling worse, that it’s all going down hill even when things are not that bad.

Unfortunately though, even though I don’t want to have to rely on anyone, especially the health professionals, I do need them. I am not coping and I need support to try to find the right path again, to help me feel like I did at the end of the year when I had so much energy and it all seemed to be going away.

I just want to run away and hide until all this is over, to come back when I am back to being ‘me’ and the negative thoughts and self-doubt have gone for good.

Breast Cancer 90 Bloggers Blog Hop

I am joining Kate on Thin Ice with her Blog Hop Bingo to raise awareness of Breakthrough Breast Cancer.

Did you know that around 1000 women die from breast cancer every month?  One in eight women will develop breast cancer at sometime in their lifetime.   It is important to note that men also get breast cancer.  The good news is that more people are surviving breast cancer due to greater awareness, improved treatments and better screening.

Kate has challenged the blogging world to get 90 bloggers to write 90 words about a women that is important to them, mother, sister, daughter, friend, colleague anyone. So here is my 90 words about a very good friend.

This friend is a very strong and inspirational women, she was there with me right through my troubled pregnancy with TJ, she listened when I was upset about my traumatic birth and she helped me when I was at my worse with PND by getting me out of the house and walking, she even agreed to ‘babysit’ me when I wasn’t allowed to be left alone and NJ needed to be in the office. She always listens, never judges and gives excellent advice even when life is hard for her.

“Pink Ribbon Bingo have pledged to support Breakthrough Breast Cancer all year round with 15% of the gross revenue accrued through online play on the site being donated to the charity.  Visitors also have the opportunity to donate a percentage of their winnings directly to the charity.  Along with the fundraising element, Pink Ribbon Bingo and The Daily Mail online will be helping the charity to raise awareness by promoting their vital health messages such as TLC (Touch, Look, Check).“

“Celebrity supporter videos on the Pink Ribbon Bingo website including Jessie J, Melanie C, Tom Ellis, Macy Gray, Sharon Corr and Kelly Hoopen – http://www.pinkribbonbingo.com/.

If you click on these YouTube links, you can hear Kate Thornton and Tamzin Outwaite’s support.

Kate: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=brz793lgb_g&feature=youtu.be Tamzin: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BCh671wnj2o“

Getting Grooving?

Once again it’s that time of week when I look at Getting My Groove Back, although I have realised that over the last few weeks I have said very little in how I am trying to get my groove back and just answered Kate’s questions / challenges. This week then I will start with what I have been doing to try to find my Groove.

Its been quite tough this week emotionally, ending with feeling really down yesterday when I wrote the post Dark Pit but today has not been quite as bad, although I do feel tired and drained. I think it helped that I spoke to one of the psychologist facilitating on my Skills Course and I also wrote the post, sharing your feelings really does seem to help relieve you of some of the darkness. Anyway onto how I have been getting into the groove (well at least trying to anyway!)

1. I’ve been to a fundraising meeting with The Joanne Bingley Memorial Foundation, there were 6 of us there (just the right amount for now) and we put together ideas for the coming year of ways to raise awareness and raise vital funds at the same time. It was great to be doing something new and I am hoping that this will get my enthusiasm back at some point.

2. I am still going strong with the local Toddler Group, although I seem to have great ideas about what we should be doing, it soon seems to come round to Wednesday night and I have achieved very little in the way of a welcome letter.

3. NJ has bought me a Kindle with a bright pink case, I am really pleased (although I seem to have not been outwardly excited about it!) and am currently reading my first novel on it, this is a time for me and its a good break from playing silly games on my iPhone.

Kate’s Challenges!

1. Body -  This week, there is a campaign about eating a healthy breakfast for 5 days. http://shakeupyourwakeup.com/challenge   Give it a go and tell us how it goes.

My Breakfast is not that bad, more or less the same and the brain power it takes to have something different, and then the kids want something different I won’t be going there. It will be interesting to see what others manage to do though.

2. Mind – It is Chinese New Year and I have just opened my fortune cookie.  What I want you to think and/or blog about is if you had a guarantee that the fortune in your cookie would come true in the next 12 months, what would you want it to say?  You can do something down to earth, humorous or something obscure and Confuscious like.  It is entirely up to you.

This is actually a hard one,can I have 2? Probably not, but I am going to be naughty and have 2 fortunes as I can’t decide which would be better.

1) I would love my fortune cookie to tell me I am going to get better, that the nonsense in my head was going to go and I would feel strong and confident and also able to start moving forward with my life.

I am sure this is something many people would want, money!

2) I would win the lottery, or come into some money. The as a family things could be more comfortable, we could be rid of the debts we have,  maybe even pay off the mortgage, then we would have a great family holiday like Disney Land! I could go on and on about what I would do with money, but as I don’t wish to bore anyone I won’t!

Having written both of these down, even though money would be great, me being well would benefit everyone too so I will opt for better mental health.

3. Spirit – Sticking  with the Chinese New Year, what animal are you?  If you don’t know, look it up for fun.  Does the description of the animal you are ring true?  Which animal would you like to be and why? You can find all the information you need here http://www.life123.com/holidays/new-years/chinese-zodiac/chinese-zodiac-signs.shtml

I am a Rabbit, and the site says “Rabbits in the Chinese zodiac are considered friendly, artistic, compassionate and thorough. Watch out for laziness, self-indulgence and moodiness in Rabbits as well” I think this about sums me up!

4. Blogging – Have you heard the wonderful and rather exciting news?  What do you mean “Yes, I have as Kate just won’t stop going on about it!”   I am now a member of the Britmums team with a great initiative that will make a real difference too.   Read all about it by clicking here http://kateonthinice.wordpress.com/2012/01/23/have-you-heard-the-news-i-have-a-new-and-exciting-role/

Your blogging challenge this week is to join Britmums if you have not yet done so and then join the Charity Connections – Blogging It Forward group on there.  Don’t just join but get involved in some of the already fascinating discussions taking place on there.  Have your say at http://britmums.com

Brilliant news for Kate, and I was already a member of Britmums, and joined up with the Charity Connections group as soon as I found out. Some interesting comments from people, really making me think about charity work. However I think my main focus will be with The Joanne Bingley Memorial Foundation, but it will be interesting to learn how others blog for charities.

5.  Special Days – As I have already mentioned special days in this post, my challenge to you is to make one day this week really special. How you do that is up to you.  Will it be a day out?  Some one-on-one time with your partner?  You decide.

I don’t think we will manage one whole day, but we are going out on Saturday to a friends for dinner with another couple, we always have a good time, so I will let you know next week how it went.

6. The Big Question – This challenge is the one that is aimed at making you think deeply.  Of course, the big questions come to me in all sorts of ways. This one came whilst watching Dancing On Ice on the telly because I am a very deep philosopher lol.  Take it in whatever way you see fit.  Let it mean what it means to you as an individual.  So the question is, have you lost that loving feeling?  Whether that is for yourself, your partner, your child, your job or whatever.  Reflect on it in a way that is meaningful to you.

My first reaction was that I have lost that loving feeling for myself, but then on further thinking I am not sure I have ever loved myself. I know at the moment I am not too keen on myself, I could and should do so much more! I do still love NJ and the kids, although I think I may need to be more open with NJ about how I feel, actions speak louder than words and all that!

 

So thats me, for the week, the kitchen challenge has failed, I am back to struggling to keep things tidy, I didn’t even manage a full month! I’m not going to set myself any challenges at the moment as things are tough emotionally at the moment and I don’t want to put pressure on myself and I will just see what I manage to achieve by next week.

Dark Pit

I find myself at the moment in a familiar place, its cold, dark, and emotionless. I would love to jump up out of this dark pit, but I don’t seem to have the energy or the capability of doing so. I was very fortunate that after Christmas I saw what it could be like out of the pit, energy and enthusiasm found me and pulled me right out, to feel that passion and drive that seems to have evaded me for so long. It was a lovely feeling, I almost felt able to take on the world.

Like most things though it didn’t last long and energy and enthusiasm upped and left, leaving lethargy and depression to pull  me back into the dark pit where I belong. Even though this is such a familiar place I find it so much colder at the moment, that little sneak at what I should and could be like has made this place seem so much worse.

I know I am not back to where it all started, (now that was a very scary place!) but I am in a horrid place that I really don’t want to be. Everything is taking so much more energy, I feel the need to cry (but can’t) and I have lost the ability to be enthusiastic about anything – even a brand new Kindle didn’t manage more than a small smile! With this comes the guilt; guilt that I am not more appreciative of things and life in general, guilt that I seem unable to get better, guilt that I can not keep up with the house and finally guilt that I am not the person I so wish I was.

I have realised by going to my Skills Group, and listening to things we can and can’t change and various other things that one reason I am unhappy is that I don’t like who I am. I am not that mum that keeps the house tidy and ready for visitors, I am not that mum that doesn’t shout, I am not that mum that has the kids friends over for tea all the time. I’m not the perfect wife, tea is rarely on the table, clothes are often not washed, let alone ironed (although mother in law does help), I’m also not being great when it comes to bedroom fun, (it’s actually pretty non existent at the moment!) I am also not the person that can put in many many hours to make something happen, to achieve what I want to achieve. I am not that person that can do exercise and keep myself healthy, even though I have grand ideas of what I should be doing.

I know that this is all unrealistic, that I can’t be someone I am not, but knowing this and being able to change my mind-set is not the same thing, it is so easy to say do this or do that to change your thoughts, but when something is so strongly engraved on your mind its very hard to erase. I’ve always wanted something that I haven’t got, (and not in a material way) I always wanted to be the popular one, the one that everyone wanted to be friends with, even now I feel unhappy if someone doesn’t gel with me and doesn’t see me as a friend.

I know (hope) that one day I will look back on this time in my life as a learning curve, but at the moment I do not relish the learning and would very much like to go back to before all this started and try to do things differently. I hate feeling like this and sometimes I just want to run away, but running from yourself does not work, there is nowhere to run.