Q&A Time

So I have been tagged in a meme by Ellen27 from In a Bun Dance, which has taken me a while to respond to. I’m never very good at filling out forms or questionnaires as I always worry about getting things wrong, even when there is no right or wrong answer. I have done my best and hope that anyone who reads finds it mildly interesting.

Which living person do you most admire, and why?

 No good on this one – Sorry!

When were you happiest?

I think the day I got married is one of my happiest memories, I remember I couldn’t stop smiling it was great.

What was your most embarrassing moment?

I have several, but the one that I keep remembering is asking someone when they were due (cringe moment) and they weren’t pregnant!!!

Aside from property, what’s the most expensive thing you’ve bought?

Aside from the new car we bought last year (which we will never really ‘own’) our wedding rings.

What is your most treasured possession?

My 3 children AJ, FJ and TJ, I would be lost without them.

Where would you like to live?

I’d love to live somewhere by the sea.

What’s your favourite smell?

Newly cut grass

Who would play you in the film of your life?

Pass – no idea on this one!

What is your favourite book?

I don’t have a favourite book, and have struggled to read much since having children. My favourite author at the moment is Dorothy Koomson, she’s written some great books.

What is your most unappealing habit?

According to NJ (Hubby) it is leaving stuff lying around where I last dropped it. I beg to differ, but can’t think of anything else.

What would be your fancy dress costume of choice?

I haven’t worn fancy dress for years! So not sure if I was invited to one now what I would wear, but in my younger days I was always a bit of a tart and liked to wear things that were very short and usually involved suspenders!

What is your earliest memory?

I remember being in a car and seeing a metal teapot / kettle on the back shelf. I think it was when we were moving house, so I would have been almost 5.

What is your guiltiest pleasure?

Chocolate

What do you owe your parents?

I struggle with this, following my PND diagnosis I have had a bit of distant relationship with my parents, so I will leave that there.

To whom would you most like to say sorry, and why?

To my children & hubby for making their lives a misery over the last 12 months (possibly longer) whilst suffering / recovering from PND.

What or who is the greatest love of your life?

NJ (Hubby)

What does love feel like?

Safe, Secure, Happy, Excited, Contented,

What was the best kiss of your life?

Probably with NJ, but can’t remember any one specific time.

Which words or phrases do you most overuse?

NO, ic, don’t do that!, When you coming home?

What is the worst job you’ve done?

I have not had any horrendous jobs, but the worst part of being a parent has to be cleaning up sick, from carpets, beds and cars!!

If you could edit your past, what would you change?

At the moment the one thing I would change is not having an induction with TJ then I would possibly not have been through PND.

What is the closest you’ve come to death?

I don’t think I have ever been close to death, although I think NJ was worried when I was given a GA to have TJ

What do you consider your greatest achievement?

My 3 children

When did you last cry, and why?

Earlier this week, just because of life and I was struggling

How do you relax?

Not good at that one, struggle to relax most of the time, but when I do try I read blogs, play on my iPhone or watch telly.

What single thing would improve the quality of your life?

Financial security

What is the most important lesson life has taught you?

That family and friends are the most important thing and should be treasured

So that is me, I won’t tag anyone else as I don’t think there is anyone left that I know to tag!

Time to Change

I have just read this great post by Alyson’s Blog about the Time to Change campaign, that is trying to get people talking about mental health and stop the stigma that goes with it. I signed a pledge on the Time to Change site some time ago and have linked up to it on Facebook and Twitter but never thought about spreading the word through my blog.

So inspired by Alyson I am going to urge everyone to sign the pledge to stop the stigma and start talking about mental health.

It’s all too easy to turn the other way or avoid ‘that’ conversation with someone you think or know has a mental health problem, but its time that changed. I am guilty of what I am now trying to change, I didn’t understand mental health problems, and fell in line with the other ‘sheep’, complaining when people were off work for ‘depression / stress’ that people ‘should just get on with it!’ I used to worked in community health as an administrator, so was surrounded by discussions of clients suffering from PND and depression, but I supposed even though I tried to empathise I never really understood how debilitating and lonely it can be. Even when a family member suffered with depression I still didn’t get it, just thought they were being a bit lazy and not trying hard enough.

That all changed in September 2010 (last year) when I finally admitted that I had PND, I struggled with the diagnosis, struggled to believe that it was an illness. I won’t bore you with all the details as you can read that in my ’Story’ (once I manage to complete it!) but suffice to say it took sometime for me to accept that I was ill. It also took me some time to talk to people about it, to not feel afraid of people’s reactions, to realise that if people reacted badly, that said something about them and their attitude about mental health and not a reflection of me. (so far I have been lucky as no one has reacted badly to what I have said).

So now I want to talk about mental health, I want to change the way people react, I want to educate people and get people to talk about it and not be afraid. So please, if you agree with what Time to Change  is all about please make a pledge to speak about mental health.

Struggling

Today is not going well.

I have been feeling quite good over the last couple of weeks and starting to feel more like ‘me’. Unfortunately TJ has got a cold and has woken up and needed feeding for the last 3 nights in a row and FJ is just being difficult ALL the time. This is starting to tip me back over the edge, I can feel the unwelcome thoughts creeping back in, the feelings of being a useless mother and just wanting to crawl back to bed. Maybe that last one is more to do with the lack of sleep than the PND who knows?

I have spoken to the Health Visiting team and the nursery nurse is coming out on Thursday to help with some ideas of what we can try to do with FJ. I hate that I am not able to cope with my own child, what have I done wrong along the way to make him be like this? The only saving grace is that he is good when he is at pre-school and they never have a problem with him, so maybe I have done something right!

When things get like this I just want to start all over again, but do it right this time. Although as I don’t know where I went wrong, I wouldn’t know what to change. Maybe my depression has been there for so long I’ve not seen the mistakes I have made along the way. Do other people feel like this? Does everyone feel stupid and embarrassed by their mistakes and wish it would all go away?

When I used to do essays and projects at school I would start things several times as it never seemed neat enough to begin with, so anything I wasn’t happy with would go in the bin and I could start again. I suppose that is what I am wanting to do now, hide the mistakes and start again, but with a child you can’t do that, you can’t start the parenting again, you just have to continue and try to make it neater as you go along.

I will beat this stupid illness and I will come out the other side, although maybe it’s not the illness it’s just that I am to self-critical and need something to blame on my own inability to do things right.

I have a friend coming round for coffee this afternoon, so maybe chocolate cake (made by NJ) and a natter will make the day seem better?

Spreading the Word

I have been reminded today that I should highlight / introduce some blogs that are part of a comment group set up by British Mummy Bloggers. For me the others in my group are: Domestic Goddesque, Hello its Gemmas Blog, In a Bun Dance, JoJo’s So-Called Life, Lion Taming at Number 32 and Little Red Buttons. All the blogs are really interesting and all different, I really recommend you stop by and have a read. I am unfortunately guilty in that I am struggling to keep up with all the above blogs on a daily basis. I really don’t know how some people manage to juggle work, blogging, running a house and looking after children. I am just about managing to write a blog once in a while, look after the children and in a fashion look after the house!

Blogging is such a great thing, a way to share and reflect on life and things that might be happening, or like some show people how to make / create things. I have found it quite therapeutic and have been pleasantly surprised by comments that I have received. I also like the way that a community can be created and you can find like-minded people out there that are sharing similar experiences or can empathise with what you might be going through.

So this post is to say hello to my fellow comments group, you are great set of people, and also to say sorry for not commenting, I will get myself sorted soon!