Almost a step too far.

Trigger warning, some people may find this hard to read as it mentions suicide.

 

I’ve been struggling badly with my mental health for well over a month and last thursday (27th march), things just got too much for me, I struggled with the kids, not doing as I asked, but to be honest I don’t know what they were or were not doing, I just know I was struggling with them. I had decided to go out once NJ got home, but a slight remark by him re money and not doing something I asked him to straight away, something snapped. I got the kids to bed and then went out. Nj wasn’t pleased with me going out, he wanted to know where, I just said ‘out’ I need to just get out! I thought he wouldn’t give me the car keys, but he did (but not particularly willingly it has to be said).

So off I went, I made a stop at the coop for some water (it was going to be something stronger but my purse wasn’t in my bag!), and off I drove. I parked up not too far from home, and the weather was in touch with my dark mood, it was very windy, rainy and kept hailing! I couldn’t see the point in living, I couldn’t see how things would ever improve, it’s been nearly 4 years and I continue to cycle with my moods, having more bad than good days. I had been trying so hard to do things, keep trying to find the happy things, but I was getting pleasure from nothing. I was also making everyone around me miserable, I thought that their lives would be much happier and easier without me around.

I sat there with my bag of pills not sure whether to start taking them or to ring the intensive home based treatment team (IHBTT), something made me make the call, maybe I didn’t want to die, maybe I knew it was wrong, maybe I was scared it wouldn’t work and the repercussions? I really don’t know, but I made the call and spoke to a bloke for maybe 20 mins, he wasn’t overly helpful, but I guess it stopped my knee jerk reaction. I contacted a friend and went round for a coffee. I let nj know I was safe, I just couldn’t face going straight home.

I am lucky to have this friend she was there ready to listen and not judge, I think she struggled to know how to help, she wanted to DO something, for me she was doing plenty, just being there. I realised that I was going to have to speak to nj, it had gone too far not to tell him the truth.

I got home and we sat down, I assumed that he would have had done idea of what had been going on, blogs I had written, things I had said, but even though he was worried about me and wanted me to come gone safely, he still said he had no idea and was shocked when I told him what I had nearly done. I can’t say I’m surprised, it’s not something I would have wanted to hear from him, and that is why I had never mentioned it to him before. There was upset and tears, anger and frustration, followed by a difficult night of not much sleep for either of us.

I was out in the morning with TJ and some friends, Nic turned up as he couldn’t face work, he stayed for a short time, then as he was leaving we kind of talked / argued. There was not much I could say, I had reached out for help, I couldn’t undo or unsay what had happened. I let a couple if friends know things were really bad, but tried my best to relax for the rest if the morning.

When the team member from IHBTT came (Nic was with me) we discussed what we should do, hospital was mentioned, I wasn’t keen, but I also knew I probably wasn’t safe at home either, and I didn’t want nj babysitting me. (I think I would change this attitude if I had my time again!). It was after lots of deliberation that they would try and find me a bed.

It didn’t seem to take long (possibly a couple of hrs), but the realisation that this wax happening was beginning to sink in, it wasn’t a nice feeling. Then there was the organising if childcare, which nj dealt with, I was in no fit place to do talking or tell people what was happening.

So after saying goodbye to the kids, with fj being really upset, we set off to a hospital, it was all very surreal. Once there nj wasn’t allowed in the ward so we said our goodbyes and I was left alone in a very strange environment.

I know it was the safest place for me, but I still couldn’t get my head round how I had ended up in a psychiatric hospital.

I’m an informal patient, so in theory I should be able to come and go as I please, but because I pose a risk to myself I have to be accompanied if I want to leave. It makes me feel like a prisoner, but that’s another blog post to write.

I hope if I ever get in a bad place again I can speak up quicker, tell nj what is happening and not put the family through the hell I am.

 

Existing

I am currently in the midst of a bad depressive state / episode / mood, whatever the term might correctly be! And it has occurred to me how strange it is that whilst I am feeling like this, in a constant negative wave of emotions, of gremlins gnawing at my brain until I’m almost at the brink, that life just simple goes on around me. Nothing changes, I do the necessary, sort the kids, do a bit of ironing, do some washing up, sort the dishwasher, generally keep the house ticking over, even if it is very slowly. And because I manage nothing has to change, which isn’t what this post is about.

Basically what I am getting at is how strange it feels to see the world keeping going, live keeps going, as it has to. I feel like I am just a bystander whilst everyone else is part of the race, everyone else is partaking, enjoying the feelings and the community around them. I struggle at the moment being with anyone, that includes NJ and the kids, I have forgotten the art of proper conversation, a conversation that isn’t just about me. The kids want to talk when they get home, tell me about their day, but I am just not interested, I try to be, and nod etc, but I’m not really there, I’m not soaking up their enthusiasm as I should be. NJ tells me about his day, and I try to make conversation, but it doesn’t last long. I have nothing to talk about, my days are constantly the same, and are basically taken up with constant negative thoughts, not exactly stimulating conversation.

In the outside world people around me are chatting, laughing and experiencing life, all I  can do is stand and watch, I seem to have forgotten how to take part, how to engage in my surroundings and live. To most people, maybe to everyone, I am doing ok, I am talking and laughing, and doing the school run, the kids are clean, fed and where they need to be on time. That is the mask that I have to wear, the mask that covers up the false life I live. That is the problem with this illness, no one can see or know unless you tell them, no one can hear the negative nagging in your head.

Would you want to live a life where you merely existed? Would you want to bother sharing your day when you have merely existed? Existing isn’t enough for me, I need to live, I need to feel alive, but right now I don’t know how and if it is possible.

Simple Pleasures

I was very pleased to see the Listography back again, run by Kate Takes 5. This weeks topic is your top 5 simple Pleasures. With my state of mind as it is, I don’t get much pleasure from anything at the moment, so it took a bit of time to think about it, but I did come up with some things that actually do give me a small sense of pleasure for that short time.

1. Breakfast in Peace.

There used to be a time when I could get up, shower, and come downstairs and eat breakfast alone, checking my emails, Facebook and the news on my iPhone. It was lovely, even though it only lasted maybe 10 mins, that peaceful time set me up well for the morning and helped me deal with the family squabbles. Unfortunately of late my youngest has learnt to come out of her room once I open my door, she is full of beans and ready for the day ahead. I struggled along, eating breakfast with her interspersed with the other 2 joining us and also wanting breakfast, until I realised that if I sorted her and her siblings out whilst making lunch for them and once all that was sorted then ate my breakfast I would get some peace. So I do get a little peace, but I do long for that 10 mins that I used to get, maybe one day the youngest and the other 2 will stay in bed long enough for me to get that again?

2. A Long Shower

During the school / working week I get up before NJ and get showered, sometimes I am still trying to wake myself up, but mostly I am thinking of the day ahead and knowing that I need to get a move on as no one else will move until I do! And then often on a weekend we are also rushing to get out for something or other (these days it’s football on a Sunday morning), so I don’t get the nice relaxing shower that I long for. What I really like is when we are having a lazy day, or we are going out (and plans are going well), and I can spend time just relaxing in the shower just enjoying the hot water!

3. A Peaceful Family Meal

We don’t get to sit and eat as a family very often as NJ works late, so it tends to be weekends and holidays, however most of those meals end up with bickering from the kids, or me and NJ nagging one of the kids to eat properly (or just eat in TJ’s case!), it’s just so nice when we do manage a meal that is peaceful and relaxing. This actually happened yesterday (Thursday), as NJ was off work for 2 days for half-term holidays we decided to treat the kids to a McDonalds (ok it was really for me!), for the first time in ages TJ actually sat and ate, and the other 2 ate nicely and we came out of the restaurant (never feels right calling it a restaurant!) feeling full, relaxed and happy.

4. A Glass of Red Wine

I’m sure I am not the only one who gets a little pleasure from a nice glass of red wine? I have spent much of the last 3.5 years not being able to drink alcohol due to my medication and those times when I did drink I found myself so tired tired that I didn’t enjoy it. However over the last few months I have been able to indulge and there was nothing nicer on a Friday or Saturday evening once the kids were all in bed to sit down, turn the lights down and then relax with a nice glass of red wine. Unfortunately a change of meds this past week means that I will once again have to be teetotal!

5. A Tidy House

If you have read any of my blog you will know that I am not good at housework, but I do long to have a tidy house. Some days it does happen, and today was one of them. I managed to give the kitchen a good clean, the living room is tidy and so is the dining area. It always makes me feel more relaxed but it is so hard to achieve.

So what are your top 5 simple pleasures?

Blog Prompts

I am struggling to think of things to write about at the moment that do not include depression, anxiety, bad parenting, and anything else that is negative. It would be great if some of you could give me some suggestions of what to write about. I’ve looked at blog prompts, but as I struggle to make any decisions at the minute I think I need a bit of guidance.

Any suggestions welcome, but would like to try and write about some positive things!

3 Years On

I have just had a message from Word Press to tell me my blog is 3 years old! Doesn’t time fly! Unfortunately even though I have had some highs along the way at the moment I don’t feel like I have moved on at all since I started my blog.

I know in reality I have moved on, the issues that I struggled with back then are not all the same as they are now.

This is all my first post said

“I have decided to write a blog to put down what has happened and what is happening to me with regards to my mental health.

Over time I intend to write about the birth that tipped me over the edge and the events that happened before all of that which I believe contributed to my mental health problems that I am now experiencing.”

When I first started writing it did seem to help, I began to become a small part of the blogging community, unfortunately as I was very intermittent in my blogging I never really became really involved and blogs that I enjoyed reading soon slipped by and I’m not sure how much my blog was or is read.

I’m not about to make any grand resolution to write once a week, or everyday, but I think I do need to blog more often. I enjoy blogging and writing, it helps to sometimes get things out that are in my head, and I hope that maybe someone who reads it may feel like they are not alone.

When I started this blog I don’t think I would have ever dreamed that in 3 years time I would still be feeling the same and still be struggling with depression and anxiety. Maybe I can try and make the next 3 years different? Maybe I can finally get a grip on this illness and find the right medication and support to get me to a much better place and then maybe I can be of some help to others that are just starting on that horrible journey of depression, anxiety and any other mental illness.

Goals

I have realised that I need to have some goals in my life, I need to have something to aim for, some thing for me.

Since 2002 I have been trying to get pregnant, been pregnant or had a baby to look after. I still have to look after the kids (and the husband), but there will be no more babies, which means I don’t have to think about that. Even before that time I was thinking about getting married and then before that was Uni, A-Levels and GCSE’s. I’ve always had a goal of some description, but now I seem to be lacking in having any direction.

I had a meeting recently with my business mentor, and I have got some business goals and I feel good about them, as it’s my own business I should feel like I have something to work towards, but it’s not helping.

I don’t even know what I want, what will help, what will make me feel like I have something to live for? Yes I know I have my kids and my husband and I guess that should be enough, but as the youngest goes to school in September I will be at a loose end during the school day. NJ (Hubby) would probably say I could use the time to get the house sorted, which I could, but I don’t think I would feel fulfilled, but maybe I would?

So Goals, what can I aim for?

My business goals are to get a team working with me over the next 12 months and to get to the next level in my business.

My personal goals are less clear. Maybe doing a weekly goal would help?

So this weeks goal (Thur to Wed) will be to get all the washing and ironing up to date – and if you saw my pile of ironing you’d understand why it’s a big goal!

If anyone has any good suggestions for long term goals that may help me feel more like a living person, rather than just existing, please let me know.

I’m linking this up to Kate on Thin Ice and her Groovy Mums post.

Hmmmm

I want to write, I need to write, I have so many thoughts and questions going round my head that I need to get out!

I feel really out of sorts, but can’t put my finger on why? I saw my CPN yesterday and we talked about how I was feeling and from things I said she said that isn’t depression it’s your emotions that you are struggling with. Which I’m now thinking about all the time. I was confused enough before I saw her, now I’m even more confused. Do some people have long term depression and learn to live with it? Am I just wasting resources and should be managing on my own? I just don’t know what to think any more.

I have realised that I need to make more time for me, take time out for things that I want to do rather than doing things that need to be done, or things that the kids want to do. I’m not sure what those things are, but I need to start thinking what they are and find the time to do them.

I also need to plan my business better, I need to make it work because I know it will make me happy, I need to succeed in something in my life.

But knowing all these things doesn’t seem to make my mind any clearer, I guess I just have to keep plodding on and hope that one day things will seem clearer.