9th July 2014

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It’s been a while since my last post and I have tried several times to post, but the words haven’t flown and my mind has just not been cooperative! It will be interesting to see if this post gets published!

So it’s been over 3 months since I last posted, and I wish I could say life has been so busy that I just haven’t had the time, but unfortunately I can’t, my life has just been consumed by depression. Since leaving hospital I have tried to move forward, but it just hasn’t happened, I’ve been given new antidepressants, and had the dose increase several times up to the maximum, but as yet I haven’t seen or felt any big improvement.

My motivation is at an all time low, and how I feel about myself is not far behind. I look around my house and see so many jobs that need doing, but I just don’t have the energy to do any of them. I know I need to start doing things, but I just don’t know where to start, when nothing gives you pleasure or a sense of a achievement then it is hard to be motivated.

I have tried to cut down on how much I play on my phone by deleting some of the games I’ve been playing, unfortunately a couple are still on the iPad so I’ve still been playing them today! I got books from the library, but I’ve not managed to start reading any of them yet. I have put an order through for Phoenix Cards, but even that hasn’t perked me up.

It is possible that I am (subconsciously) waiting for something big to happen, something that makes me go YES I have enjoyed that, but I think it is more likely to be a slow drip of things getting better. My CPN has referred me to something called Pathways, which is somewhere that does lots of different activities and is for those people who have struggled with depression and other mental illness to help them get back out and doing. I’ve no idea what it will be like, but I know I need to do something. I’ve also been referred to the local health and fitness support, which I start in September, so will see if some exercise might help me?

As well as the above 2 things to help get me out and doing I’ve also got a Family Support Worker who I met for the first time today, he is going to work with me and the kids to help me get back some control and hopefully make the house happier again. I think this is probably the major area that will help me in the long run. I struggle so much with how I am with the kids and how they are with me, that the more i struggle the worse it gets, they know how to get their own way and because of how I’ve been feeling it’s been easier to just give in and let them get on with whatever they want to do. So it will be interesting to see what is going to happen, and what I’m going to have to do.

I guess I should be pleased that I have managed to lose a bit of weight, I started doing the 5:2 diet again, and I think I have done about 3 weeks now. I’m hoping that I don’t ruin it all with the school holidays coming up. Unfortunately for me though I wanted everything to be instant, I want to fit back into my old clothes and I want to be able to eat what I want when I want.

So that is me at the moment, I have managed to write a post (finally!!), I know there is not much substance to it, but hopefully it will be easier.