9th July 2014

It’s been a while since my last post and I have tried several times to post, but the words haven’t flown and my mind has just not been cooperative! It will be interesting to see if this post gets published!

So it’s been over 3 months since I last posted, and I wish I could say life has been so busy that I just haven’t had the time, but unfortunately I can’t, my life has just been consumed by depression. Since leaving hospital I have tried to move forward, but it just hasn’t happened, I’ve been given new antidepressants, and had the dose increase several times up to the maximum, but as yet I haven’t seen or felt any big improvement.

My motivation is at an all time low, and how I feel about myself is not far behind. I look around my house and see so many jobs that need doing, but I just don’t have the energy to do any of them. I know I need to start doing things, but I just don’t know where to start, when nothing gives you pleasure or a sense of a achievement then it is hard to be motivated.

I have tried to cut down on how much I play on my phone by deleting some of the games I’ve been playing, unfortunately a couple are still on the iPad so I’ve still been playing them today! I got books from the library, but I’ve not managed to start reading any of them yet. I have put an order through for Phoenix Cards, but even that hasn’t perked me up.

It is possible that I am (subconsciously) waiting for something big to happen, something that makes me go YES I have enjoyed that, but I think it is more likely to be a slow drip of things getting better. My CPN has referred me to something called Pathways, which is somewhere that does lots of different activities and is for those people who have struggled with depression and other mental illness to help them get back out and doing. I’ve no idea what it will be like, but I know I need to do something. I’ve also been referred to the local health and fitness support, which I start in September, so will see if some exercise might help me?

As well as the above 2 things to help get me out and doing I’ve also got a Family Support Worker who I met for the first time today, he is going to work with me and the kids to help me get back some control and hopefully make the house happier again. I think this is probably the major area that will help me in the long run. I struggle so much with how I am with the kids and how they are with me, that the more i struggle the worse it gets, they know how to get their own way and because of how I’ve been feeling it’s been easier to just give in and let them get on with whatever they want to do. So it will be interesting to see what is going to happen, and what I’m going to have to do.

I guess I should be pleased that I have managed to lose a bit of weight, I started doing the 5:2 diet again, and I think I have done about 3 weeks now. I’m hoping that I don’t ruin it all with the school holidays coming up. Unfortunately for me though I wanted everything to be instant, I want to fit back into my old clothes and I want to be able to eat what I want when I want.

So that is me at the moment, I have managed to write a post (finally!!), I know there is not much substance to it, but hopefully it will be easier.

Almost a step too far.

Trigger warning, some people may find this hard to read as it mentions suicide.

 

I’ve been struggling badly with my mental health for well over a month and last thursday (27th march), things just got too much for me, I struggled with the kids, not doing as I asked, but to be honest I don’t know what they were or were not doing, I just know I was struggling with them. I had decided to go out once NJ got home, but a slight remark by him re money and not doing something I asked him to straight away, something snapped. I got the kids to bed and then went out. Nj wasn’t pleased with me going out, he wanted to know where, I just said ‘out’ I need to just get out! I thought he wouldn’t give me the car keys, but he did (but not particularly willingly it has to be said).

So off I went, I made a stop at the coop for some water (it was going to be something stronger but my purse wasn’t in my bag!), and off I drove. I parked up not too far from home, and the weather was in touch with my dark mood, it was very windy, rainy and kept hailing! I couldn’t see the point in living, I couldn’t see how things would ever improve, it’s been nearly 4 years and I continue to cycle with my moods, having more bad than good days. I had been trying so hard to do things, keep trying to find the happy things, but I was getting pleasure from nothing. I was also making everyone around me miserable, I thought that their lives would be much happier and easier without me around.

I sat there with my bag of pills not sure whether to start taking them or to ring the intensive home based treatment team (IHBTT), something made me make the call, maybe I didn’t want to die, maybe I knew it was wrong, maybe I was scared it wouldn’t work and the repercussions? I really don’t know, but I made the call and spoke to a bloke for maybe 20 mins, he wasn’t overly helpful, but I guess it stopped my knee jerk reaction. I contacted a friend and went round for a coffee. I let nj know I was safe, I just couldn’t face going straight home.

I am lucky to have this friend she was there ready to listen and not judge, I think she struggled to know how to help, she wanted to DO something, for me she was doing plenty, just being there. I realised that I was going to have to speak to nj, it had gone too far not to tell him the truth.

I got home and we sat down, I assumed that he would have had done idea of what had been going on, blogs I had written, things I had said, but even though he was worried about me and wanted me to come gone safely, he still said he had no idea and was shocked when I told him what I had nearly done. I can’t say I’m surprised, it’s not something I would have wanted to hear from him, and that is why I had never mentioned it to him before. There was upset and tears, anger and frustration, followed by a difficult night of not much sleep for either of us.

I was out in the morning with TJ and some friends, Nic turned up as he couldn’t face work, he stayed for a short time, then as he was leaving we kind of talked / argued. There was not much I could say, I had reached out for help, I couldn’t undo or unsay what had happened. I let a couple if friends know things were really bad, but tried my best to relax for the rest if the morning.

When the team member from IHBTT came (Nic was with me) we discussed what we should do, hospital was mentioned, I wasn’t keen, but I also knew I probably wasn’t safe at home either, and I didn’t want nj babysitting me. (I think I would change this attitude if I had my time again!). It was after lots of deliberation that they would try and find me a bed.

It didn’t seem to take long (possibly a couple of hrs), but the realisation that this wax happening was beginning to sink in, it wasn’t a nice feeling. Then there was the organising if childcare, which nj dealt with, I was in no fit place to do talking or tell people what was happening.

So after saying goodbye to the kids, with fj being really upset, we set off to a hospital, it was all very surreal. Once there nj wasn’t allowed in the ward so we said our goodbyes and I was left alone in a very strange environment.

I know it was the safest place for me, but I still couldn’t get my head round how I had ended up in a psychiatric hospital.

I’m an informal patient, so in theory I should be able to come and go as I please, but because I pose a risk to myself I have to be accompanied if I want to leave. It makes me feel like a prisoner, but that’s another blog post to write.

I hope if I ever get in a bad place again I can speak up quicker, tell nj what is happening and not put the family through the hell I am.

 

Existing

I am currently in the midst of a bad depressive state / episode / mood, whatever the term might correctly be! And it has occurred to me how strange it is that whilst I am feeling like this, in a constant negative wave of emotions, of gremlins gnawing at my brain until I’m almost at the brink, that life just simple goes on around me. Nothing changes, I do the necessary, sort the kids, do a bit of ironing, do some washing up, sort the dishwasher, generally keep the house ticking over, even if it is very slowly. And because I manage nothing has to change, which isn’t what this post is about.

Basically what I am getting at is how strange it feels to see the world keeping going, live keeps going, as it has to. I feel like I am just a bystander whilst everyone else is part of the race, everyone else is partaking, enjoying the feelings and the community around them. I struggle at the moment being with anyone, that includes NJ and the kids, I have forgotten the art of proper conversation, a conversation that isn’t just about me. The kids want to talk when they get home, tell me about their day, but I am just not interested, I try to be, and nod etc, but I’m not really there, I’m not soaking up their enthusiasm as I should be. NJ tells me about his day, and I try to make conversation, but it doesn’t last long. I have nothing to talk about, my days are constantly the same, and are basically taken up with constant negative thoughts, not exactly stimulating conversation.

In the outside world people around me are chatting, laughing and experiencing life, all I  can do is stand and watch, I seem to have forgotten how to take part, how to engage in my surroundings and live. To most people, maybe to everyone, I am doing ok, I am talking and laughing, and doing the school run, the kids are clean, fed and where they need to be on time. That is the mask that I have to wear, the mask that covers up the false life I live. That is the problem with this illness, no one can see or know unless you tell them, no one can hear the negative nagging in your head.

Would you want to live a life where you merely existed? Would you want to bother sharing your day when you have merely existed? Existing isn’t enough for me, I need to live, I need to feel alive, but right now I don’t know how and if it is possible.

Simple Pleasures

I was very pleased to see the Listography back again, run by Kate Takes 5. This weeks topic is your top 5 simple Pleasures. With my state of mind as it is, I don’t get much pleasure from anything at the moment, so it took a bit of time to think about it, but I did come up with some things that actually do give me a small sense of pleasure for that short time.

1. Breakfast in Peace.

There used to be a time when I could get up, shower, and come downstairs and eat breakfast alone, checking my emails, Facebook and the news on my iPhone. It was lovely, even though it only lasted maybe 10 mins, that peaceful time set me up well for the morning and helped me deal with the family squabbles. Unfortunately of late my youngest has learnt to come out of her room once I open my door, she is full of beans and ready for the day ahead. I struggled along, eating breakfast with her interspersed with the other 2 joining us and also wanting breakfast, until I realised that if I sorted her and her siblings out whilst making lunch for them and once all that was sorted then ate my breakfast I would get some peace. So I do get a little peace, but I do long for that 10 mins that I used to get, maybe one day the youngest and the other 2 will stay in bed long enough for me to get that again?

2. A Long Shower

During the school / working week I get up before NJ and get showered, sometimes I am still trying to wake myself up, but mostly I am thinking of the day ahead and knowing that I need to get a move on as no one else will move until I do! And then often on a weekend we are also rushing to get out for something or other (these days it’s football on a Sunday morning), so I don’t get the nice relaxing shower that I long for. What I really like is when we are having a lazy day, or we are going out (and plans are going well), and I can spend time just relaxing in the shower just enjoying the hot water!

3. A Peaceful Family Meal

We don’t get to sit and eat as a family very often as NJ works late, so it tends to be weekends and holidays, however most of those meals end up with bickering from the kids, or me and NJ nagging one of the kids to eat properly (or just eat in TJ’s case!), it’s just so nice when we do manage a meal that is peaceful and relaxing. This actually happened yesterday (Thursday), as NJ was off work for 2 days for half-term holidays we decided to treat the kids to a McDonalds (ok it was really for me!), for the first time in ages TJ actually sat and ate, and the other 2 ate nicely and we came out of the restaurant (never feels right calling it a restaurant!) feeling full, relaxed and happy.

4. A Glass of Red Wine

I’m sure I am not the only one who gets a little pleasure from a nice glass of red wine? I have spent much of the last 3.5 years not being able to drink alcohol due to my medication and those times when I did drink I found myself so tired tired that I didn’t enjoy it. However over the last few months I have been able to indulge and there was nothing nicer on a Friday or Saturday evening once the kids were all in bed to sit down, turn the lights down and then relax with a nice glass of red wine. Unfortunately a change of meds this past week means that I will once again have to be teetotal!

5. A Tidy House

If you have read any of my blog you will know that I am not good at housework, but I do long to have a tidy house. Some days it does happen, and today was one of them. I managed to give the kitchen a good clean, the living room is tidy and so is the dining area. It always makes me feel more relaxed but it is so hard to achieve.

So what are your top 5 simple pleasures?

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